The world is fading away. I am not in it any more. I am in another place. A dark place. I can see nothing except blurs. I look at a piece of paper with writing on and it is blank to me. There is no writing on it. I write over the writing that is already there. I cannot see my writing either. I am told I have made a mess.
The world is gone now. I have to say goodbye to it. It is not part of me any more and I am not part if it. I do not hear people speaking to me. I cannot follow a conversation. I am not in this world.
I cannot see faces. I do not know who is who, and they don’t tell me either. I have to guess. They think I know and however many times I tell them that I don’t know who they are they don’t take it in. I apologise to people because I haven’t waved or smiled when they have waved and smiled at me. They say it is ok, but they don’t realise that I want to be in contact with them – that they must come close to me and touch me and say their name. They don’t realise that to then ignore me because I can’t see them cuts me out of human society and makes me isolated and desperately lonely in my world of darkness. I am cut off. Not part of the human race.
I sit. At home I sit. What can I do? Long hours stretch in front of me. I cannot read. I cannot watch television. I cannot take a walk out because I can’t walk. I can’t put a CD on because I can’t see to do it. I can’t ask My husband to do it because he is already too busy or he is watching television or on his computer, or too tired. I sit. In the dark. Doing NOTHING. Nearly going mad. How can I live like this?
I want a drink. I cannot make one. I cannot bother my husband again. I get hungry. I cannot even make a sandwich. I am useless. Helpless, like a baby.
I go to bed. I lie on the bed. In darkness. There is no life. Just darkness. Do I exist?
My body hurts, and my heart hurts too.
I cannot see or feel my clothes. When I try to dress, I cannot find things because I cannot feel. When I do find something I cannot find out which is the right way up or if it is inside out. I cannot find the arms. I cannot dress. I cannot see my hair. Is it ok or not? I cannot see my face in the mirror. I cannot see if I am dressed ok or if I am presentable. I cannot see colours. I don’t know if my colours clash. I cannot see if my clothes are clean. I spill my food down me because I cannot see the food on my plate or my fork and if it is not on my fork properly it goes down me. I am like a baby.
My world has gone. I have no world now. Except darkness.