My heart is full this New Year’s Eve. So many things that I would like to make new but can’t. My eyes, my ability to walk, the restoration of feeling in my hands and feet, lungs so that I can breathe properly. That DAMNED cancer! But I can never make those things new.
I have tried to turn everything to the good – and I believe that I have succeeded, for the most part. Done everything. You know – been positive, seen my glass as half full not half empty. All the things you are meant to do. Smiled when I was feeling like shit. Forgiven people for not understanding and for treating me badly, because they cannot walk a mile in my shoes. Taken insult after insult, and not allowed myself to be affected by it. Sometimes the trial has felt too great. Been called “Inspirational,” when all I wanted was a hug and the permission to collapse in a heap and cry. Sometimes being inspirational is a heavy burden to carry. You can’t always meet up to expectations or to your name.
I have spent this last year going through all the emotions under the sun. But mostly grieving. Grieving for that which I have lost. In fact, it seems as if I have lost everything that I was. Sometimes I have felt that I am just a thing on the bed. Not a person at all. Totally dependent upon others for almost every need. Unable to make choices for myself. Controlled by others. And I have been remembering. Remembering what I once was. An academic. A bird watcher. A pianist. A liver of nature. And oh yes, I have tried to do good, and to be happy in the fact that I can still hear, taste, and smell nature. But you know what? There is NOTHING like SEEING it!
I am being honest here. Sometimes it feels like shit.
And if I say that there is a sense in which I “see” far more clearly now that I am blind, and if I say that I know great joy in the things that are not material, it is as true as my saying “Life is shit, and I feel like shit.” Both things are part of me, and make up the whole.
The one thing about me is that I am honest. I don’t fake it. So you get what you get. Shit and stars are not mutually exclusive. Believing and having faith in a God of some kind, even a broken one, broken like me, and doubting and questioning and enduring a torment of the mind, are not mutually exclusive.
Therefore my writing may change from day to day, and even hour to hour – but it will aways reflect the truth of the moment.
At this moment, as we stand on the threshold of a New Year, I wish more than anything that I could have my eyesight back, and that I could see the birds and the Spring again. I wish mire than anything in the world that indeed, all things could be made new, as we read in the Bible. But I know that when I read those words, they have to be taken in a spiritual sense. And I want my body and my circumstances to be made new. It will not happen. And so I grieve. But in amongst all that grief is a great joy.
Light and dark, joy and pain, faith and doubt, can all walk hand in hand together. And here is where I stand this New Years Eve.