TILTED

Truth! My CT scan said “Patient appears tilted.” Lol. I was greatly amysed. So it’s official now. I am tilted lol

“Tilted” it said,
“Patient appears tilted,”
So now it’s official,
I’m tilted,
The whole world is tilted,
Flawed,
Marked,
Spinning
Out of control,
When will the spinning stop?
In this
Vortex of fear,
Nothing seems right,
All controls gone,
Powerless I wail,
“Please put me right,
I’m tilted.”

BY THE RIVER – a rondeau

By the river the willow stood
Weeping for all that was lost that was good
Bowed down with grief sore tears did fall
How could she bear this bitter gall
It seemed her name was written in blood

Her life was gone however could
She carry now her cross of wood
With every step she took a fall
By the river

But light would come, the green tree would
Bear again the bright Spring’s bud
Hear once more the sweet birds call
Hope spread its strong wings over all
There never would be old deadwood
By the river

TESTED

Never ending
The path that we tread
Beset with perils,
Darkest nights
We lose our bearings,
Stretch out our hands,
Feel our way,
Terror strikes us,
In fear we fall,
But there on the ground we find
Bright gems,
Shining,
Again we rise,
Like gold,
Tested,
Tried,
Proved,
In the fires of life

FORGIVENESS

My time has been occupied this past week with my mother, who is 92 years old. She has a horrible disease called emphysema. Many times during the past week I have thought she was dying. Exhaustion has taken me over. I have felt her pain. I have struggled with her. I have loved her. I have cared for her. Mit has been a hard week. This is the mother who tried to abort me and who, many many years ago, beat my own babies out of me. This is the mother who tried to throw me into a fast flowing ruver when I was a small child. Mthis is the mother whi starved me: assaulted me, who calked me dirty for no other reason than that I was a girl. But here she is…….dying. What would she have done if I had not been here? If she had indeed aborted or killed me? I would not have been here to help her now.

Still, she is the cruel, controlling, angry woman. Still she shouts and shouts and shouts, until I am almost screaming. Flooded by memories of chikdhood. A childhood fulk of screaming and yelling. Of violence. Of knives. Of fists thrust through plate glass windows in anger. A childhood spent in the backs of removal vans. Never a real home.

If ever you find it impossible to forgive, come with me to see this frightened, desolate woman. Look behind her eyes to see what is there. And all you will see is pain. All that ever was there was pain.

One day she started whimpering. And I remembered how as a child, I whimpered, with no one to comfort,or hold me. And all I could do was love her. For the first time in our luves, I held her. Did she rebuff me? No.

How do I do this? I don’t know. All I can say is that when you see thempain behind another’s eyes, it is not impossible to forgive. Today, it will continue. I do not know when her hour will come. Will I be there? Who knows?