Comes The Storm

Synchronicity Of The Heart

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Comes The Storm

I’m not going to give in

to sad endings

let me fly above them all

even if it is alone

I hold every moment intact

thought you look away from me

I have opened so many doors without you

closed others    changed the locks

I have walked the beach with no hand

to hold    hold me tight

what I want is worthless

what I want turns to dust in my hands

what I want I know better than to need

to define me    rain falls without you

comes the thunder

counting until lightening

yes I know the swift approach

light my own candle against the storm

I refuse you now

I have held constant for so long

even as old pictures fade

I remain    yes I

remain strong

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THE DARKNESS GLOWS

It was approaching Christmas 2016, and I had gone blind. I had known that it was going to happen, and it had happened gradually. With the passing of days and months, everything seemed to disappear from my world. Although it existed I could no longer see it. Everything became black. I existed in a world of darkness.

When I first knew that I was going to go blind, I did not find it difficult to accept. I had had serious and advanced cancer, from which I had almost died. To simply be alive, having gone through so much, was a bonus to me. Life was not easy, however, as I was also unable to walk, and was wheelchair bound. But, there was a sense in which the challenge excited me. I had gone through so much in my life, and survived, and this was just one more challenge, which I was determined to face with fortitude.

As the blindness progressed, I discovered that it was not the physical things that caused me the most difficulty, though those were by no means easy, but the mental and spiritual things. I had in no way expected what happened to me. People did not treat me kindly, but cruelly, and I was very alone. It was the sense of aloneness that caused me the greatest suffering. No longer was I part of the human race. As time passed, and I had to deal with intense hurt and pain caused by peoples’ attitudes towards me, I sensed that I was in fact fighting principalities and powers. I was facing my own demons, and sometimes winning and sometimes not winning. It was a deep wilderness experience for me, and in this parched and thirsty land, I yearned for comfort. In this barren land, I yearned for the fullness of human friendship and companionship. I felt bereft and abandoned. It was the sense of abandonment that tested me the most. It frightened me.

As I had become blinder, gradually more and more people left me and abandoned me to my fate. Instead of offering friendship and help, they walked away. But not only that, they found reason after reason to blame and judge me. Unable to see, I regularly failed to smile and wave at people when they smiled and waved at me. People would also speak to me from a distance, but I was not aware that they were speaking to me. This seemed to goad people, until on one very memorable day, a lady approached me in a most belligerent manner, and told me that I was stuck up and stand offish because she had waved at me often, but I had not waved back. I was then told that I was suffering from the sin of pride.

There are no words to describe the pain that I felt. I almost collapsed inwardly. Life was struggle enough without that. I had been practising being in the present moment, knowing that actually I was okay in that moment, even through my difficulties, and so I need not fear or trouble about the future. The future would take care of itself. I had grace in this present moment. However, in the moment that I was accused of the sin of pride simply for failing to wave because I was blind, my world collapsed. The principalities and powers had finally got me. I was on the way out.

So devastating was this experience that I felt dead. Nothing could ever revive me again. Nothing good could ever get into me again. I was lost. Irretrievably.

That night, I went to a very precious place. A very isolated place. It was tiny church in the middle of nowhere. I had been there often just to sit and think. And on tis night, I needed it – badly.

In a sense, I thought that nothing goad could ever penetrate me again. The fight had been long and hard, and now I was exhausted. Destroyed. Yet still, I was drawn, inextricably to this place.

Expecting nothing I sat down on the iron chest at the back of the church. It was very dark inside the church. I felt paralysed. The pain inside me was too much to bear. But very suddenly as I sat I felt very strange sensation. It was as if for very darkness itself was putting its arms around me, enveloping me in love and comforting me. It was almost like a mothers arms going around me. The sensation grew and all of a sudden all that I knew was peace. Utter and complete peace.

I stayed there for some time. It seemed almost like a miracle. I had thought that nothing could possibly penetrate my pain that night, but yet something had and I could only call it the darkness itself.

I left that building a changed person. The miracle had occurred. The fact that I was changed so deeply when everything had seemed impossible told me that it was a miracle. I had not asked for anything. All I had done was sit in the building in the total darkness. The darkness itself had comforted me. The darkness glowed.

Ever since that night I have written and talked about the darkness and I have always said that the darkness glows. Paradoxically my journey since then has always been in the darkness that has been as the greatest light to me.

PRALYSIS

How can a soul sustain so much loss?
Grief too deep to bear
A world torn apart
By so many Goodbyes
Pain too deep even for tears
Paralysis
Sets me like stone
Yet even stones can cry
Or so they say
I become mute
As if even one tiny movement would break me
Afraid almost to breathe
Knocked to my knees
Silence
How long can I stay here?
I never want to get up again
Just be silent with my God
Without words
Asking nothing
Giving nothing
Saying nothing
Just paralysed
Stunned
Keep me in this cocoon for ever
So I don’t have to venture out
Oh God
Take my silent paralysis

NEW SONG

The days are growing shorter, darkness falls,
Wrapping its tendrils around my body,
As they tighten their grip a lone bird calls,
Piercing my heart with its stark melody,
Dead leaves crackle their life now is over,
The bird sings again its funeral song,
Like that of a dying, anguished lover,
Knowing the joy that was is now gone,
As the bird reaches its beak to the sky,
Stars start to twinkle and dance in the night,
A nightingale sings, its song rises high,
Out of the darkness has come a great light,
The spell is broken, i know I will live,
I learned in the dark a new song to give

THE FOREST HELD HER

One day the forest held her. So many things were hidden under the canopy of the pine trees She knew that she was safe there. Hidden from view and the cold harsh words of others. No one could assail her here. She remembered the many times she had walked here with her beloved dogs. It felt safe here.

She was no longer the person she used to be. Now she was blind and could not walk. People treated her with disdain and she knew it was probably through fear but that did not help her. She was different. Her life was not like theirs. It seemed that her life and theirs could never meet.

Somehow or other, on this day, the deep dark green of the pine forest held her, its scent flooding her soul. As it did, she was taken back to happier times, and in those few moments she became again, what she once was. And inside herself she knew that even blindness could not snuff out that person that still lived inside her. The forest would for ever hold her, and keep her joys.

HOMESICK

It’s like I’m in a different world
Homesick, lonely, aching,
The world goes on, without me,
I lie here, not even able to imagine any more, paralysed in my mind,
Hopeless, helpless,
Watching you playing, with the eyes of my heart,
I live in the past now, remembering,
But even the remembering hurts,
Perhaps I had better not remember,
For then I was part of something,
Now I am not,
Then I could relate,
Now I can’t,
I read your words, see your world, hear your moans,
With envy, jealousy, disdain,
For you cannot taste my food,
My banquet,
We cannot share, pass the cakes, the cruets,
No seasoning can blend our lives into a world of taste, and sound, and sight,
I am forever lonely,
I was once like you

I STOOD ON THE RISE

I stood on the rise today
Knowing that Someone stood with me
For He had been waiting so long
For me to return
Knowing that at the appointed time I would come
And on that day I was drawn
Unmistakably
Imperceptibly
And in one moment we met
Magnetised
I could not stop
For in another moment in time
Many years ago
I had been given to Him
The first fruits
And in the giving He claimed me for His own
In this place I was named
By name He called me
Down the years
The corridors of time
But time for me is running out
And soon I will be drawn once again
This time by horses
To my final resting place
And on that day too
He will be waiting for me
On the rise
For He sees me coming from afar off
Knowing my time is almost nigh
Arms stretched out to greet me
Speaking my name
And I who can no longer walk
Will run to Him
I who can no longer see
Will behold His face
And in that last embrace I will know
I am “Home at last.”

THE STRUGGLE

THERE IS A HILL IN THE LAKE DISTRICT WHERE WE USED TO CAMP A LOT CALLED THE STRUGGLE. WE HAD NO DIFFICULTY IN CLIMBING IT OR ANY HIGH MOUNTAINS. NOWADAYS THINGS ARE MUCH DIFFERENT AND JUST DOING SIMPLE THINGS IS LIKE CLIMBING MOUNT EVEREST. I WROTE THIS POEM TO EXPRESS WHAT MY LIFE NOW IS

Morning comes, the struggle begins
No strength in my body to get out of bed
The pain of my circumstance each day stings

My muscles won’t work each movement brings
Such pain to this body whose legs are like lead
Morning comes, the struggle begins

In the bathroom I cannot see my things
I shout for help, “What’s that you said?”
The pain of my circumstance each day stings

I rest awhile on the linen bin
So many things going on in my head
Morning comes, the struggle begins

I lose my breath I wish I had wings
To fly from here find a new place instead
The pain of my circumstance each day stings

Is this what i’ve got for all my sins?
It seems every comfort in life has fled
Morning comes, the struggle begins
The pain of my circumstance each day stings

MOURNING DOVE

The mourning dove cried out one morn
And I cried too in loud lament
Such grief I knew, my heart was torn
The mourning dove cried out one morn
And as I cried I was forlorn
In agony my garments rent
The mourning dove cried out one morn
And I cried too in loud lament

AS I LIE HERE

As I lie here today, in the valley of the shadow
Knowing my time is soon to come
That there is a time for everything
And everything will happen in its time
I wonder

Is eternity calling or are we just dust
That will fall into the ground and feed the trees
Is there truly a life beyond in the streets paved with gold
When the moment comes will there be singing?
I wonder

I once tasted death, or almost, and could swear I heard the singing
The songs of the saints who have gone before me
But was it just illusion, an idea planted in my mind
Maybe we hear what we want to hear, and believe as we want,
I wonder

I have run the great race, done what I should
And now the end is nigh and I am tired
Tired of being as I am exhorted to be and wanted to be
To keep the faith and comfort of others alive
I wonder

I am tired now, ready to lay down my sword and shield
Ready to rest and float into the blue beyond
Wearing nothing but my skin, creamy white
Masks all gone, oh how heavy they were to carry
I wonder

I no longer live for you my friend, or carry your impositions
For now I have to go and must travel light
Taking with me only my pure essence, my divine spark
Though even that feels worn and tarnished
I wonder

Maybe there is no more time for thoughts, for wrestling
Maybe it is time to lie back in fluffy pillows and drift
Into the unknown tomorrow, light like feathers that surrounded me as a child
Let me rest now, cover me with your wings, if you are there,
I wonder

OMG I JUST FOUND MY SPAM FOLDER!

I was told that someone’s postss might be going into my SPAM folder. I did not know how to find it or check it. Had no one to help me. Remember I am blind lol. Soooo I googled how to find your Spam folder, and lo and behold, managed to find it. And oh SHIT! Loads of nice Comments went into there. Don’t know how though. I didn’t do it on purpose. So apologies if anyone’s went into there. You are all such kind and supportive people. I would not hurt any of you for the workd. How do you stop stuff going into Spam? So sorry all. Am mortified!

POSTSCRIPT: I searched my Spam Folder, and Approved some really nice Comments. But there were some weird ones too, that did not make sense. I am lost with this. Please bear with me. Smile.

STOPPED

I look and see the Church clock stopped
And wonder if my time will end
How many years from my life are lopped
I look and see the Church clock stopped
How many aeons has it dropped
How many lives have had to bend
I look and see the Church clock stopped
And wonder if my time will end

THE CAT AND THE MOUSE

There once was a cat that smiled all night
It didn’t get very much sleep
It came off best in a cat street fight
When they all ended up in a heap
It strutted around the streets so proud
Singing a song in its head
It thought it was riding on a cloud
Forgetting to go to bed
The streets were deserted, everyone was scared
Knowing that he was the king
But a brave little mouse came and at the cat stared
Then sweetly began to sing
The cat stood stock still at this very strange sight
Mesmerised by the sweet song
It didn’t realise it was getting light
It had been there all night long
The mouse skipped away at the break of dawn
Leaving the cat entranced
All the other cats came and they skipped on the lawn
And everyone started to dance
The brave little mouse had won the war
Now the cats could all live in peace
Never had this been done before
Now the cats don’t fight in the streets.

OUT OF MY BOX

The man I knew is on the rocks
Soon his games will be ended
I am out of my box

Crafty he was, like a fox
No one my soul defended
The man I knew is on the rocks

I can’t turn back the clocks
None of it was intended
I am now out of my box

His love was like sweet smelling stocks
On deception he depended
The man I knew is on the rocks

Those he despises he mocks
I the one he befriended
I am out of my box

Now for a good detox
My spirit has now ascended
The man I knew is on the rocks
I am out of my box