I don’t know how it happened. Well yes, maybe I do. I was always the Wild Woman of Derbyshire, so why shouldn’t I have ended up in a tiny stable, with half doors low to the ground, looking into the eyes of a goat with bright yellow eyes and saying,
“I don’t know how we ended up here, but you and me’s in this together.”
I didn’t actually know this goat. In fact we had only just met. In the stable. Just a minute or so earlier, I had been shoved strongly and forcibly into the stable by my friend, Brenda, who was in a frenzy, saying,
“Quick. Get in there.”
In a bit of a daze, I found myself faced by this goat. I was a bit worried about the horns, but not nearly so worried as I was about the bright yellow eyes. I mean, NO ONE had bright yellow eyes – not even a goat. Well, as far as I knew anyway. And it was STARING at me. I don’t know who was more frightened – me or it. I didn’t know its name, but I thought I had better introduce myself.
“Hello. I’m Lorraine,” I said.
Well I wasn’t exactly expecting it to answer back saying,
“Hello. I’m Roger,” or anything like that. But it just STARED at me.
It seemed quite docile, and so I took pity on it, and started stroking its back. But suddenly we were taken up with the sound of a loud shout.
“Come on you little bugger. Get back in there.”
It was Brenda, the Wild Woman of Derbyshire Mark 2 yelling at a horse that was intent upon galloping for England around the field. The field was almost a quagmire. Derbyshire is famous for its rain.
Me and the goat looked at each other. We were beginning to gain quite an understanding of each other. Neither of us really knew what we were doing there, but we both decided we had better make the best of it.
Out in the field, mud was flying everywhere. And wouldn’t you know it – the horse, having completed its gallop for England, decided to roll in it. My eyes went to Wild Woman of Derbyshire Mark 2, and there she was, trying to wipe mud out of her eyes.
Me and the goat looked at each other again. I put my left arm around it – well, as much as you can put your arm around a goat – and we snuggled up together. I assured the goat that this was better than telly. We both settled down together. All that was missing was the ice cream and popcorn. I wondered when the Interval was going to be.
Just as that thought crossed my mind, I became aware of a Ssssh-ing sound. It was Brenda telling us to keep quiet. The horse was moving towards its stable, which was right next to the little one that me and the goat were in. She didn’t want it disturbed as it began to enter it.
Eventually, a seriously mud splattered Brenda came and opened our stable door, saying to me,
“You can come out now.”
I looked at the goat, and it stared back at me with its yellow eyes, and I said,
G’bye mate. See you again soon. I’ll bring the popcorn next time.”
It just looked at me with its yellow eyes, and as I began to walk away, I could have SWORN I heard it say,
“My name’s Roger. I’m the Wild Goat of Derbyshire.”