MYRIAD DARKNESSES

No one could ever understand the myriad darknesses I have gone through since going into remission from serious and advanced cancer. I have gone through what I can only describe as a total stripping process. A process whereby I was left naked and bare before the Throne of Grace. If I thought cancer was bad, and the nakedness and stripping that I endured then, this was even more deep and profound. I remember thinking, when I had cancer, “Do I really want to fight this?” And I knew, deep inside myself that truly, I did not want to fight. Heaven beckoned, and it was there that I wanted to go. Had I known what lay ahead, I do not know whether I would have gone ahead and fought or not. I fully expected that if I fought and won, I would be living a ‘normal’ life again. I did not expect what happened.

It was strange – but one day, just after going into remission, I was watching a blind gospel singer and piano player on the television, and something deep inside me said,

“You are going to be blind.”

I did not understand at the time, but I thought that if this was true, I would have the opportunity to use it, and to show people that adversity does not have to destroy you.

Since then, I have gone blind. It happened gradually, and it has been a long process of saying “Goodbye.” Goodbye to faces, to the things of nature that I loved, to colours, and to much much more. I am not going to say that the process has been pain free, and indeed, there have been times when I have agonised and cried out. But that is okay. I am not going to say that I am happy to be blind, but that I try to be the best that I can be, as a blind person. I have met much misunderstanding along the way, endured many insults, many rejections, but despite the pain, have lived through them all. It was a shock at first, to be treated in such a way by so many, and it did not help that I am also wheelchair bound. But I have learned a lot.

Blindness is so isolating. Relationships with people change. It is possible to go to a place where there are many people, but to be isolated from them all. When you are blind, you can hear people, but you cannot see where they are, and you cannot therefore go to them and start talking to them. If they do not come to you, which often happens, even in a church, you can leave having spoken to no one. The isolation is the worst thing that a blind person has to bear.

I am not glad that I am blind, but I am glad that I have learned how, more and more, to drink from the well that is deep within me, and that I have discovered the “treasures of the darkness.”

17 thoughts on “MYRIAD DARKNESSES

  1. One can venture into a crowd healthy and still be ignored and alone… one can set at home fully healthy and not blind and still feel isolated and alone… as far as other people, it has to do with them, not you, for that is the way they are…. in spite of your issues, you are learning more about yourself every day and are a more courageous and better person than they are, you can “see” a lot better than they… your heart does not wish to die yet, there is much living to do!!!… 🙂

    “Every morning your have two choices: continue to sleep with your dreams, or wake up and chase them.”

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  2. I can undo your past neither can ease you suffering in the present, promising of a better future will too sound stupid but all I want you to know Lorraine, is that I love you and you are strong. Pain makes us and break us. The circle of life never ends but life does end. This is the truth. You learnt about life in darkness and I am glad you make sure to help anyone suffering. You are a beautiful soul.❤️ I adore you🌺

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  3. blindzanygirl

    Oh Sameera. What a beautiful thing to say to me. I adore you too. And you too know about making and breaking, and what we do not allow to break hs, makes us.. I love hou Sameera xo

    Like

  4. blindzanygirl

    I think my Reply to you was a bit brief lol. Iam struggling with intense pain right now, and I typed that bit then had to give up. Sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey, you do not have to reply, you do not even need to read it if you do not have time or wish to!!… you do not need to apologize for anything, just deal with issues that life has put in front of you and enjoy and live every second of time, because it will not come again… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. blindzanygirl

    Oh goid Lord! It was not to do with time lol. I have more time than I know what to do with Ha. I read EVERYONE’s comnents, and do reply. I just got overcome earlier and did not respond as I wanted to! I meant to say that I actually wrote that piece maybe a couple of years ago. Since then things have progressed. And I too have grown with my blindness, and with other issues. We have to don’t we. As I jyst said to my lovely Sameera, what does not break you makes you. I actually follow a particular regime to bring about hooefully my own growth throughout all of this. Sometimes though, I pist poems and stuff from a couple of years ago ir something. I gappened to find this in my Diary in a Word document, and thought to post it. It might help someone else. Thanks Dutchll for continuing to come and read and comnent. Your presence is so much appreciated.

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  7. When you have time, that is when you need to use it to live life, live the moment, irregardless of what one’s health issues are!… 🙂 I do understand and you are doing wonderfully well and I am sure a inspiration to many others “The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place my touch will be felt.” Frederick Buechner

    Like you, if I am fortunate to wake up on the green side of the grass of mornings, I challenge what life puts before me and it helps me become what destiny has determined for me!… 🙂

    Thanks for sharing and inspiring, take care and live life!!… bye for now… 🙂

    “I’m not afraid of storms, for I’m learning how to sail my ship.” Louisa May Alcott

    Liked by 1 person

  8. blindzanygirl

    Lovely quote. Thanks Dutchll. Please keep dropping by. I just read one of your pists but could not tell if it was recent or not. I can never read the dates on things. But hope your internet gets sorted soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I helped my late wife battle Stage 4 lung cancer for near 4 years and I have Degenerative Disc Disease of the lower spine, I am no stranger to pain and have a good idea of what you are dealing with…. “some days are diamonds and some days are stone”…. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I hope it does not come soon either, as for the clock, time and destiny has it… 🙂

    “If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood, I’d type a little faster. “ Isaac Asimov

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