Last year in the summer, I was drawn back to my childhood home. It is a village in Lincolnshire, England. My grandparents had a farm out in the countryside beyond the village, but my grandmother often used to take me into the village with her, to take food and various other things to people who needed them. We would walk together, I just a very little girl, down the long road into the village. Often it was very hot, and as we were walking up the hill, back to the farm, I felt that I would faint from the heat.

I was born in that village, but my parents left there when I was about two years old. We then moved around England a lot – every three to six months. However, I regularly returned to my grandparents’ farm to stay for a while. They were the happiest days of my life. The farm and the village became my only real “home.” My only security. Though much of my life was with my parents, traipsing around the country, which I hated, and which made me a very insecure person for a while.

After having cancer, from which I almost died, and being left blind and wheelchair bound, I was drawn back to that childhood place. It was as if I was trying to reclaim myself again. Cancer changes you. I did not know who I was any more, now being blind and wheelchair bound, and totally dependent upon others for even the smallest thing. Adjusting was hard. It still is, as my health continues to deteriorate, and I was SHOCKED to the core when some people, notably clergy, told me only the other week that I needed to go into a HOME! I am not elderly. My husband and I just about manage. My home is HERE, where I am now, with my husband. We both sank into the most horrible fear, thinking that the issue could be forced. However, we have discovered how to make it so that this cannot happen. I am naturally a very lively, confident and outgoing person, with LOTS of interests and a brain that never stops! So to go into a Home would KILL me. Plus, I have my beloved dog, a beautiful rough (Lassie type) collie called Hope. She is only three years old, and I love her, and she loves me.

But I have digressed.

I went back to my childhood home in the summer of 2017 to try and find myself again. I sat for hours, in the car, outside the village church where I was baptised. There, as I sat, I had many experiences. I went through all the emotions under the sun. I cried a lot, and I laughed a lot.

I longed to go back there to live, and to re-acquaint myself with the place, and get to know people whose names I knew but had never met. So then began a quest to find somewhere to live, there. So far we have been unsuccessful, and my health is deteriorating badly again, so I don’t know if we ever will get to live there. I needed to reclaim my happiness again. To stop being a Wanderer. To become rooted in a place where I had been truly happy.

My cancer had left me a very different person. In many ways a much much stronger one, but also so very very vulnerable. My emotions go all over the place at times, as may be evident in my poetry.

However, whilst I was sitting there, in the car, by the side of the church, i was under a rowan tree, which inspired me greatly. I wrote my third poetry book called “Under the Rowan Tree.” It is not available from anywhere, though some people have asked where they can get it. I sell it at Craft Fairs when I am well enough. But that is not why I am writing this piece. I am writing it to say that I still go back to sit there, under the rowan tree, and feel the different seasons. We are approaching winter now. And as I sit I re-live my memories, and try to make sense of things. I intend to post much more about this, and some of the poems that have come out of doing this.

So, that is just a little bit of an explanation of where I am at. Sometimes my poems etc are full of hope etc but sometimes they are very dark. Both are as true as each other.

Thankyou to all of my Followers and many others who just stop by, for reading my stuff. It means the world to me.

Lorraine x

31 thoughts on “UPDATE

  1. You made me so nostalgic. We all have that one place we call home and it is dear to us. How can someone force you to go to a HOME? Can you not voice out your opinions and how you want to live? I love your poems. Stay blessed and stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. blindzanygirl

    Thankyou Shantanu.

    Unfortunately for some, we luve in what is often called “The Nanny State” here in England. It is a bit like BIG BROTHER. Certain people have the power to put someone into a Hime if they think that that person cannot look after thenselves. Social Services can do this, and interfering non understanding people like clergy can report you to Social Services if they decide to. But we can manage. Though my hysband too is wheekchair bound, he cooks, cleans, looks after the dog (Ha!) and is always around. It is hard, but we manage. When I am well enough we go out in the car, and he describes things to me, like the birds, and what they are dling, as I lived bird watching before my cancer. He helps me with my IPad when it goes wrong (Ha). And a host if other things. Like everone, he gets frustrated at times, and sometimes we both sink. But akways, we come back up again. I am not Home material but some busybodys who don’t even know me, think that I am.

    However, we are purchasing a talking microwave so that I can use that if anything happens to my hysband, and we are trying to adapt our home. Though if we move,which I don’t think will happen, we would have to start all over again.

    I just wish that peopke would get to know me properly before making decisions that are not goid for ys!

    Thankyou for taking the time to read and comment Shantanu.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. blindzanygirl

    Thankyou so mych Chattermaster. I guess we have to have Home inside ourselves. Thankyou so mych for reading this, and for comnenting.


  4. blindzanygirl

    Thankyou so much Shantanu. Love and blessings to you too. You strike me as such a happy person. And your poems are lovely. God bless you my friend

    Liked by 1 person

  5. blindzanygirl

    Tim, I just looked at your Blog, and now am Following it. It looks interesting. I do receive the Daily Readings from the USCCB. It is a bit hard for me to see what happens on your Blog. Do people join in and make Comments? Was just trying to find my way around it. It looks a nice Blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. joanmyles

    Oh, sweet friend, how I wish I could join you, two hearts frolicking in the village and its outskirts….may you find peace and a smooth resolution to your situation…with you in Love today and always, darling Lorraine, blessings and love to you always!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you for following my blog! I post 3 times per week. I have a reflection on the readings that posts on Saturday morning, a prayer based on scripture that posts on Tuesday evening, and have recently begun posting some poetry on Thursday mornings. Peace!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. blindzanygirl

    That is brilliant. Thankyou. I look forward to reading when I can. Peace to you too. As it is the USCCB readings, are youcCatholic or do you just use their lectionary?

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I don’t know what to say to this Lorraine; it’s so wonderful to learn more about you, especially the origin of the Rowan Tree poem but so hard to hear that ‘dogooders’ want to put you into a home! You’re way to full of life to be tucked away from the World. Keep fighting my friend. Hugs :O) xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  10. This was such an emotional post. I wish you find the strength to live life and that many happiness come your way. God bless you dear. I can relate a lot to you. I have terrible health condition myself. But life is never easy. Stay beautiful my dear. hugs and kisses

    Liked by 1 person

  11. blindzanygirl

    Oh Joan. I am so very sorry. I mussed your beautiful comment. I was ill, and mussed many people’s comments. Thankyou so much for those beautiful wirds. You are very kind. Much love to you x

    Liked by 1 person

  12. blindzanygirl

    Oh Lisa. I jyst saw that I did not reply to your kind comment. I was ill and mussed a lot of people out. So sorry. Don’t worry, no one is goung to get me lol xo

    Liked by 1 person

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