RAMBLINGS

Just rambling on. Not a proper poem. Just rambling

I don’t like to think
Of what we have gone through
But some things bring it back
Old writing
And as I read
I go through it again
So much was forgotten
Do we bury the bones that are too hard to chew?
I don’t want to remember
The present feels so different now that I have remembered
Did all that really happen?
Lord blank out the past
Never to be remembered
I am here
Now
In the present
Such as it is
And because of the past
I am in the present
I live a different life now
And I can never go back to the before
I am living in the after
I am old
So old

36 thoughts on “RAMBLINGS

  1. You’re strong and brave, and have endured a ton. More than the vast majority of people could handle. let me pretend I’m a nicer Vicar than that one who you were talking to. I don’t believe that God caused your problems. I have no good answer on the why. What I can tell you is that I think He’s using your condition and your blogging to serve as an example to other people on how to stay strong when they’re other wise crumbling under less than you’re enduring.

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  2. My perspective is we never escape fully the memories of our past but in time, with love and strength we can triumph. You do that every day with such courage Lorraine. I think you have a very important purpose.. .to remind others we can survive the dark and birth light from its ruins. You rock!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. blindzanygirl

    Thanks so very much for those kind and encouraging words Deborah. I was in a lot of physical pain yesterday and very fatigued, and had not slept for it. I was suffering very badly physically. But we managed to go out for a drive in the afternoon because if I don’t get out at all during the day, however ill Ibfeel, I become very black and depressed. I have to fight or I die. And then when I got home something happened that made me remember the past when I was in the middle of chemo. A chance remark. Something I wrote later on. Just something. And I was reminded by something of how my mother had said to me “You should have died at the beginning.” I remembered her utter cruelty whilst I was undergoing chemo. And I remembered a LOT of things that occurred at that time. It was not very pleasant as I was very sick yesterday. I have little future, and what future I do have is going to get worse, and sometimes I fear. This was what led to those ramblings. I AM old, in terms of years. And last night I FELT it. These ramblings are my “me”. It was how I felt. This morning I am taking pain killers and hoping to be at Mass at 9.30 a.m. I NEED to be there in order to feel and know that I am still alive. I am not doing good physucally. But the summer is coming and I hope I feel a little better physically by then. My mother is sick now and may be dying. She is 93

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  4. It is so so much for you Lorraine. Its so so hard to have all that pain and having been treated so lovelessly. I know how important it is to get out most days. I know when the blackness comes it can feel like you will never see life or light again. I am sending you so much love. I wish there was more I could say or do but my heart is with you…. ❤ ❤ ❤

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  5. blindzanygirl

    Thankyou so much Deborah. I am fed up with this bloody illness, and to be frank, it is starting to frighten me. When I first we t into remission I wasn’t doing too badly. I felt I had a future. I learned to walk again a certain amount. Then it all started to go downhill again. I was told it was one of the chemo drugs that had caused this. The vinblastine. It gave me leripheral polyneuropathy, which affects to motor nerves and makes your muscles die also. So now, I am in a great deal of pain, and I can hardly walk at all. It is progressive. I confess to being afraid. Hesterday was a very very bad day physically and I was crying a lot. Thankyou for your live Deborah, it means a lit ❤️❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  6. blindzanygirl

    Thankyou Deborah. This is queer – I am replying to you by writing in the box that aplears, but it is not going onto the end of Damblings. Weird. I wonder where it is going! Maybe it will appear in a minute! Thanks for your prayers Deborah. I am just suffering horribly right now ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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  7. blindzanygirl

    I know. I would have liked them to show so that people can follow the discussion and how I came to be like I was last night. Weird.

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  8. blindzanygirl

    I just went into Comments on the side bar and they are there. It says I approved them, but they are not apoearing! Duh. Weird. I also found lots of comments from other people that I have missed!

    Like

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