THOUGHTS AND IDEAS

I am thinking some things and not sure what to do. I have a possible Plan, but not sure if it is right, or would work.

I first started a Blog on WordPress in 2016 , because somebody suggested it to me. I had, when I first went into remission from my cancer, done a Course on poetry writing. At that time my sight had not gone, though it was going. The tutor suggested that I might do something with my poetry, as he felt it was worth it. So, I self published two poetry books. They did well.

Then, someone else suggested a Blog. My first reaction was to dismiss the idea. However, about a year after that the idea started to take hold. And so I started a Blog here in WordPress calked Zany Wild Words. I had no idea whatsoever how to manage a Blog, and I just wanted it to be a pkatform for my poetry. I didn’t even know at that stage what that little bell thingy was, and as someone had set the Blog up for me I was scared to touch anything for fear of somehow wiping it out. So I never touched anything apart from the thingy to post stuff.

However, eventually, intrigued by what that bell thingy might be, I clicked on it and lo and behold, there were some “Likes” on some of my poens.

“Heck!” I thought.

I had no idea at that stage that you then followed other people’s Blogs. I knew NOTHING! I am defo NOT teccy!

Anyway, I discovered that I had a few Followers. So I kept on posting poetry and also Reflections. Then things went downhill. No one was visiting it any more.

Prior to this though, I had asked my friend if she coukd set me up another Blog here on WkrdPress that I could use JUST for spiritual stuff. So she set me up this one – Blindwilderness. At first it did not good whatsoever. Then, suddenly one day I got LOADS of visitors and “Likes.” What had happened? I had NO IDEA! But I thought I had better start posting much more in here. From there, it grew. Steadily. I ended up posting not only spiritual stuff once again. And I am happy with that now. I am so happy that people follow me and encourage and love my stuff! I have made some lively friends in here, and it is such a supportive community.

I feel, though, that I need a “Bitch Blog” lol. You know, one where I can bitch as much as I like, be deoressed if I AM deoressed, etc. etc.

This morning I was and still am, in a great deal of phtsical pain. I got into the bath to try and ease it, and imnediately howled and howled. About my pain, my state, my life, my future, and my fears for my future. I felt shit!

And I realised that I wanted a place where I could be as shit as I liked. No holds barred! And I thought of my old Blog. I can BITCH there if I want to lol.

But you see, I want to write poems about PAIN. Poems about my FEARS. Poems expressing my depression, my tears, etc, etc.

I don’t know yet. I might not use that Blog.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I want to drop the courage bit, the smile bit and all the things that people like to read, and express that other side of me.

I like fun. I like a laugh. Despite my great phtsical pain this morning and a very disturbed night, I posted humorous limericks. But then when I got in the bath I HOWLED.

I know that there are many other people here in WordPress who struggle in this way. It is hard.

And so, I am thinking. Do I use my other Blog for this or not? Hmmmm! Thoughts.

Anyway, that is the history of this Blog, and I have to say that without this Blog I would not survive.

Thankyou to all of you who read it, a d who make such lively comments to me. You all keep me going. Much love to you all xo

36 thoughts on “THOUGHTS AND IDEAS

  1. blindzanygirl

    Thanks so much David. I didn’t mean to leave this Blog, but just have a place where I could howl if I wanted to lol. AND where other howling ppl can gather! Heck, we could call it the HOWLING Blog. He he

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  2. Hi Lorraine, hope you’re feeling better and hey – bitch away if you need to! Our blogs are our way to release those hidden feelings, whether they are happy, sad, painful… You tell us whatever you need to at any given moment… We are listening so no need to hold back… x

    Liked by 2 people

  3. blindzanygirl

    Oh god yes – transistor radios! Lol I remember them. Trying to get a listenable to reception on Radio Caroline. Don’t know if you would know about Radio Caroline in Australia. It was always Radio Luxemburg that we listened to and that was cranky as wrll. Then Radio Caroline came along. Illegal one ha ha.

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  4. blindzanygirl

    Aww. Thanks Suki. I sometimes do in here, but that wasn’t the idea when it was set up. But lately I have indeed been really struggling, and wanted to write more about it. I dunno. I just feel so depressed at times, but just push on through it! Anyway, the bath knows all my secrets now lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Feel free to be yourself. Some days we are grumpy and some days we are happy. Everyone experiences the same thing. That is life. It is the contrast of emotions that balances us out. I say, bitch away. We are all here, wanting to hear what you have to say. There are no rules as to what to put on your blog. Put it all on the table right on this blog. You’ve created a following here and we are honestly willing to listen to howling if that’s what you need to share. Go for it girl.

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  6. I took a pretty long hiatus from my blog for the reason that I felt things were going downhill, and I came on here for the first time in more than three months today, with more ideas about how I could blog for me first, and do my best at something I love.
    Reading your post now made me so happy to know that you might start exploring new things on your blog as well. I’ve loved your poetry from the very start, even though I did take multiple breaks from WordPress altogether, making me not a very regular reader. But every time I do read your poetry, I absolutely love it, and would love to read more from you. Real, non-poetry, “bitchy” posts too!

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  7. blindzanygirl

    Aww bless you adrianqueen. I have been wondering how you are but knew you was busy with exams and things. I know you did real well in your exams. How is it going?

    You have made me so happy saying those lovely things to me, and about my poetry. I am so happy that you like it. I do sometimes write bitchy ones ha ha. But I don’t really like to pist bitchy ones on here. I just get depressed at times with my illness. But hey, it is SO good to see you. Are you going to start blogging again? Your poems were GREAT.

    Keep writing, anyway, and hope to see you again soon. Hugs to you and good luck with all your studies ❤️❤️❤️

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  8. It’s up to you how you use your blog Lorraine and what content you put in it. Your followers will read it anyway and I am sure be supportive. Rants, bitching, poetry, prose, short stories, whatever. Go with how you feel. For me blogging is brilliantly therapeutic and it all goes in!

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  9. blindzanygirl

    It is amazing how therapeutic it is Di. I don’t want to look like I am asking fir sympathy all the time though ha ha

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  10. I have two blogs, Lorraine. One is for my adult supernatural and horror writing and thoughts the other is for my light children’s works and baking. I express myself fully on both. Poetry is a very expressive form of communication. If people like your poetry they will like everything about you, the good, the bad and the ugly.

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  11. I personally love everything you post and in the end people respond more to authenticity. Due to my family conditioning and education I often try to ‘put a positive slant on things’ but I know it doesn’t win me followers if I am not being truly authentic. It may be good to have two blogs though if you want to share different things on both. Its something I have often thought about. I hope all the great comments here give you much needed encouragement. You are deeply loved and inspire many people. I know that for sure, Lorraine. Hugs xooxox

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  12. blindzanygirl

    Thanks Deborah. It’s not that what I write is not authentic at all. It’s just that sometimes I really want and need to give rein to the huge blackness inside of me. It is right there, alongside all the other, just as real, stuff. And not to give rein to it is to make me iller. But it is not nice reading. But then on the other hand, if ever I HAVE let it come out in what I write, there is sometimes one person who relates. And I am reminded of Sylvia Plath, that great poet. She wrote such dark stuff. Yet she was still admired and called a great piet.

    I guess I am struggling because this was MEANT to be a site just to get my poetry out there. I didn’t realky want to air personal feelings TOO much. But it has evolved. And I just thought there mught be a call for two different kinds of sites. I never intended this one to be the way it has developed – and yet it has been amazing – and GOOD. It is so amazing the love and warmth, and encoyragement I have received. I don’t ever want to lise that, and tbese amazing friendships, that keep me going through my darkest night. And that is EXACTLY what it is. My darkest night. And I NEVER expected my life to take this turn. And it is going to get darker still, when my mum dies. She is very sick. 93 years old, and even though she was a VERY abusive mum whom everyone said I shoule just LEAVE, I couldn’t do that fully, though I DID distance myself a LOT. But now, she is going downhill fast a d it is frightening me. I do still live her despite everything, and yesterday I took her some daffodils and she LOVED them. Yet she was the one who wanted me dead when I had cancer. So you see, nothing is ever plain and straightforward. And my laughing bubbly side is just as real as my black side. I guess now, I want my poetry to exoress both sides. Let’s see what hapoens. Thanks Deborah fir your kind comments. Xoxo ❤️❤️

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  13. When my Mum died it was very painful but also one of the most deeply spiritual times of my life. Whatever comes we can face it if we just open fully.

    Whatever you express its your right to do so…i whatever way you need to. My Mum was 93 when she died btw. 💖

    Liked by 1 person

  14. blindzanygirl

    Thanks Deborah. It was the most deeply spiritual time for me when my Dad died too. I have never known anything like it. Mit opened up heaven for me. Yet he said he was atheist. And he had been a kind of bad man in his life. Kind of. I won’t go into it here. So I would never have exoected anything like that. But it happened. It was a time of the deepest joy and the deepest pain, both walking side by side and holding hands. My mum killed my babies in my womb. So there is a LOT there. She abused me deeply as a teenager. But yet I love her and no one will ever kill that live. Though tbere has been DEEP anguish associated with her. I believe deeply in God, whatever or however you want to name that God, and I know that He/She/whatever will see me through. I maybe should write about my mother here. I have occasionally but not much, because it might trigger others, although I do put Trigger warnings on such things, but yet there is always a light somewhere in it. I survived it ALL, and if I were to write my lufe story, it would be called “Dangeroys Journey” because I almost died on many occasions, and certainly my spirit was under the GREATEST atrack. Yet I lived. So yes, there is mileage in writing about my whole life. Just to help and inspire others to know that they too can survive. ❤️

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  15. blindzanygirl

    I know. It’s strange isn’t it. There certainly is another world there somewhere. In fact I think that the veil between the two workds is so thin as to almost not exist.

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  16. blindzanygirl

    Thanks Deborah. Yes I will always be true to myself. Whatever the cost. In the end it is far greater a reward than living in hatred.

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  17. blindzanygirl

    Yes I do. It will account for a lot of how she is. Her real father died of a brain tumour when she was a year old. In those days it was SO hard for my lovely grandmother, having a child to bring up on her own. U til my mum was five, my grandmother was housekeeper to a member of her dead husband’s family, in the middle of a forest. The village was only a mile away but to my mum it was very isolated. My mum must have got sick because the doctor told my Nan that she MUST get thus child to a place where there were other children. She was pining away. My Nan went to housekeep for another man but ut was still a bit isolated. My Nan then married him. It was a business arrangement. He said he would provide her with a goid home, a good lufe, money,and a good luving inexchange for her giving him an heir. My Nan had three further children, with a different surname to that of my mum. They hsed to tease my mum about being a Hilly instaed of a Pricey. Y mum wasn’t bothered. She got on with her siblings. They cared about each other. But my Nanysed to cry a lot for her first hysband. And my mum had two different reactions to that. One was to think my Nan was a whimp, and she despised her for crying. And the other was to fiercely want to protect and defend my Nan becahse my mum thought that my grandfather must be treating her cruelky. But that was not so. He was a. Ery. Ery kind man.

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  18. blindzanygirl

    Yes I know this. I see the hurt in her eyes behind the anger and bitterness. And I DO understand it. And about her fear of vulnerability. Sometimes she lets her defences down. I am there for her then. I will NEVER desert her. Miam strong. My live comes from a different place. A different source. And I will NEVER leave her however fed up with her I get. However hurt I am. I may dustance myself for a time, but not now. Not is she is dying. I love her.

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  19. I always felt the same about family. I personally dont understand those who go no contact. Its best to always keep the door open. We dont need to take their pain on board in terms of them dumping it and we can continue to show compassion.

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