I am living on the edge of light. I am neither in the dark nor the light. It is a kind of greyness and something that is very confusing. In a strange way I find myself straining to see the light thinking that if I strain hard enough I might actually see something. However it does not work that way. I feel all the time as if I am living in a cloud of thick smoke, or a pea soup fog. It is very difficult for other people to understand just what it feels like to me being in a room full of people. I do not know what is going on most of the time and I feel cut off from other people, and even though they are talking I do not know who they are talking to and even if they are talking to me I do not know that they are because most people do not say my name and make it known that they are talking to me. The fog seems to worsen the more I attempt to hear people and to know what they are saying. Mostly when I go somewhere I am so cut-off that I am actually totally alone. I often find this very distressing and it seems to me that I am doomed to live in a world all on my own. More and more I am turned in on myself, not through choice, but because there is very little understanding of blindness. There are also very few openings where I can explain just what is happening to me and what others can do to help. I am finding myself becoming more and more depressed the more cut off I become.
I am naturally a very friendly, confident and outgoing person who loves life and who loves giving to others. But I am no longer myself and I am struggling to know just who I am now. When I think of my future I become very distressed and wonder where it is all going to end. All that I want is to be part of the human race again. I would love people to talk to me about my life because most of the things that people talk about are things that I can no longer do. I have never been so lonely in my life and I cannot envisage continuing this way until the end of my days. Sometimes I want to scream out, “Please please talk to me.”
When the nights draw in and we are closed in in our houses , my loneliness seems even greater, and the hours and minutes longer as there is so little that I can do. Many are the times that I give way to tears. Many of the times that I do not know how to go on. I lie on my bed feeling that my Life is over. Even writing my poetry is so difficult and I fear it becoming impossible. It is not often that I talk about my life as it really is, and there is much more that I could say, but I will leave it here for now.
I would make a plea that if you know anybody who is blind you will go to them, touch them gently, tell them your name, and ask theirs. For me there is the added difficulty of being in a wheelchair and in order to be heard it is necessary for people to bend down so that they are near to my face as they speak to me. Most people tower above me and do not come down to my level and I find this very disconcerting. So, if you do happen to know anybody who is either blind or in a wheelchair or perhaps both you would adjust how you speak to them and how you relate to them. I would ask that you help them to be part of the human race again.
P.S. i have to say that this is the only place, here in WordPress, that I feel human. You DO all talk to me. You are all so kind. And I thank you very much indeed for making me part of the human race again. You are all my salvation. Thankyou xx