A LEAP OF FAITH

There comes a time in all our lives when we have to face something that we don’t want to face. We then have to face a test – will we or won’t we surrender?  Will we or won’t we survive the test and win?

As may have become obvious from some of my postings in the past, (or maybe it hasn’t) my life has not exactly been easy, or a bed of roses. More like a bed of thorns, from being a very tiny child. I lived in the most terrible fear a lot of the time.

I found ways of dealing with the fear, like for instance, singing. If there seemed to be some kind of threat to me, I would sing, to take my mind off it, or even to try and ward it off. Often, in bed at night, I could be found sitting up singing for all I was worth.  I became hyper vigilant also.

As I went through life, there were many things to be afraid of. I used to want to find a loophole. A way out. Sometimes, I did find a way out. This became my most used approach. It became habit. If you can run, run. If you can get away, get away. If you can get out if it, get out of it.

There were, I discovered, however, things that I could NOT get away from. Illness was one. But I had never faced anything as serious as cancer. I hoped and prayed that I would never have to. To me, that was the most dreaded thing in the world.

I have seen other people facing cancer, and I used to know that if ever I got it, I would not be like them. I would not be able to be brave.  It seemed to me that most of them did not feel fear. Or if they did, they were keeping it under wraps. I remember saying to my priest how terribly terribly AFRAID I was, thinking that I was failing because I could not be like others.  I felt ashamed,  and he simply said that EVERYONE is afraid, but many do not show it. I guess that made me feel a BIT better. But, I still felt a failure. That was the worst part of it. Failing at cancer.

I have spoken before about how I finally came around to facing it and accepting the treatment that I so feared. It was a process, for me. It didn’t happen all in a minute.

Today, I have been forcibly been reminded of that time. For us, it has been Palm Sunday. I did not go to Church, because I was too ill to go. I have not been very much at all lately, due to being ill. But I still think about things.

This evening, I “watched” a Passion Play on the internet, and it had the most powerful effect ever, upon me.

I know that many of you who read me are of different faiths to me, but I am sure that there are equivalents in all faiths. Whilst watching the Passion Play, I “saw” Jesus struggling, and grappling with what He knew lay ahead. His sweat was as drops of blood on the ground. So great was his fear. In the end, He surrendered and accepted what had to happen.  But as I “watched” I re-lived my own struggle with fear.  And the eventual process of being tied down.  Held down.  No way out.  No escape.  Once you are hooked up to that chemo, you are totally bound.  No way are you going to go anywhere!

 

Letting go the controls is the hardest thing in the world.  Abandoning yourself tovwhatever will happen.  And I distinctly remember saying to the chemo of which I was so afraid, “Do your worst.”  I had finally let go, and abandoned myself to whatever was to come.

 

My suffering, and what I had to face was nothing like that of Jesus.  But as I agonised before finally surrendering, I truly felt that MY sweat was as drops of blood on the ground.  And as they hooked me up, I remember saying, “Into Thy hands I commit my spirit.”  We knew not whether I was to live or die.  It was as the haematologist said, “in the lap of the Gods.”  The chemo was “a leap of faith.”  We knew not whether I was to live or die.  Snd all I could do was surrender.