There comes a time in all our lives when we have to face something that we don’t want to face. We then have to face a test – will we or won’t we surrender?  Will we or won’t we survive the test and win?

As may have become obvious from some of my postings in the past, (or maybe it hasn’t) my life has not exactly been easy, or a bed of roses. More like a bed of thorns, from being a very tiny child. I lived in the most terrible fear a lot of the time.

I found ways of dealing with the fear, like for instance, singing. If there seemed to be some kind of threat to me, I would sing, to take my mind off it, or even to try and ward it off. Often, in bed at night, I could be found sitting up singing for all I was worth.  I became hyper vigilant also.

As I went through life, there were many things to be afraid of. I used to want to find a loophole. A way out. Sometimes, I did find a way out. This became my most used approach. It became habit. If you can run, run. If you can get away, get away. If you can get out if it, get out of it.

There were, I discovered, however, things that I could NOT get away from. Illness was one. But I had never faced anything as serious as cancer. I hoped and prayed that I would never have to. To me, that was the most dreaded thing in the world.

I have seen other people facing cancer, and I used to know that if ever I got it, I would not be like them. I would not be able to be brave.  It seemed to me that most of them did not feel fear. Or if they did, they were keeping it under wraps. I remember saying to my priest how terribly terribly AFRAID I was, thinking that I was failing because I could not be like others.  I felt ashamed,  and he simply said that EVERYONE is afraid, but many do not show it. I guess that made me feel a BIT better. But, I still felt a failure. That was the worst part of it. Failing at cancer.

I have spoken before about how I finally came around to facing it and accepting the treatment that I so feared. It was a process, for me. It didn’t happen all in a minute.

Today, I have been forcibly been reminded of that time. For us, it has been Palm Sunday. I did not go to Church, because I was too ill to go. I have not been very much at all lately, due to being ill. But I still think about things.

This evening, I “watched” a Passion Play on the internet, and it had the most powerful effect ever, upon me.

I know that many of you who read me are of different faiths to me, but I am sure that there are equivalents in all faiths. Whilst watching the Passion Play, I “saw” Jesus struggling, and grappling with what He knew lay ahead. His sweat was as drops of blood on the ground. So great was his fear. In the end, He surrendered and accepted what had to happen.  But as I “watched” I re-lived my own struggle with fear.  And the eventual process of being tied down.  Held down.  No way out.  No escape.  Once you are hooked up to that chemo, you are totally bound.  No way are you going to go anywhere!


Letting go the controls is the hardest thing in the world.  Abandoning yourself tovwhatever will happen.  And I distinctly remember saying to the chemo of which I was so afraid, “Do your worst.”  I had finally let go, and abandoned myself to whatever was to come.


My suffering, and what I had to face was nothing like that of Jesus.  But as I agonised before finally surrendering, I truly felt that MY sweat was as drops of blood on the ground.  And as they hooked me up, I remember saying, “Into Thy hands I commit my spirit.”  We knew not whether I was to live or die.  It was as the haematologist said, “in the lap of the Gods.”  The chemo was “a leap of faith.”  We knew not whether I was to live or die.  Snd all I could do was surrender.


35 thoughts on “A LEAP OF FAITH

  1. throughout our life we are not at all independent…depending on so many people and other species of our life for survival and other needs…when we are in good health or when things go our way..we take so many things for granted…we make ourselves so busy that we don’t even acknowledge…we think as if these good times are forever…and then one day out of the bolt from the blue…things happen that makes us realise we have surrendered to something that is material…that is impermanent…that gives some minute joy for the time being…just like the taste of honey drop on the edge of the bottle…not realising what is the thing that gives everlasting peace…we try to inquire…but it’s too late…we have lost the prime of life…our youth…the power of our senses to comprehend things…and so we are getting trapped in material existence forever…we just live to die…and die to live again…

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I was told I was brave the way I handled my cancer. I wasn’t. I was afraid, afraid of the unknown as I had never been ill other than the childhood illnesses. I had the support and kindness of so many, I was confident to put it all in their hands and let them do whatever had to be done. The alternative would have been far worse. I was lucky. They got it all at the first innings so to speak. But I’m still afraid it will return.
    This post expresses so much of how we feel when we are diagnosed with something as serious as cancer. It’s as if your circumstances have amassed all those who ‘got of lightly’, though I don’t mean to dismiss them as it is a traumatic experience for everyone.
    Faith is a wonder. My parents neighbour’s faith got her out of bed after 26 years, and she lived to be 104. We all believe in something. It is what gives us the strength to face what we must, good or bad. You outshine us all Lorraine.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. blindzanygirl

    Hi Rajini. Thankyou SO much for that. For many, that may be true. For myself, I was NEVER interested in material things, and never soght them, except what was ne essary. I always slught God, or whatever word you like to use. Something more spiritual is what I mean. But for all of us, it is a lufelong pricess of surrendering. To Whatever. I never ever surrender myself to PEOPLE. I will love them, have friends etc but nev er surrender my inner self to them. It is a constant path. For some people, they might just call it Fate, or Nature. For me, it is God, and by that I do not mean an old man in the sky. But a God Who suffers WITH us. I don’t know how that sits with you in your religion Rajini. Thankyou so mych for giving us your own insight.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. blindzanygirl

    Oh Di. Your words made me cry. Yes yes yes. The FEAR. And you know what – the more we fear it the braver we are when we face it. I don’t think ANYONE gets off lightly when they have a cancer diagnosis.

    Also, as you know, my own doctors, nurses, etc. were far from goid, and they caused MORE fear. But that is another story. We don’t all have faith in a God as such, but everyone, I think, has faith inside themselves, of some nature. Call it what you will. Call it your own inber spirit if you like.

    That is ANAZING aboyt that lady Di. Wow! Thankyou SO much for your inspiring words. ❤️❤️❤️


  5. It gives me so much pleasure to read this… the true nature of a soul… the longing to be in union with the Supreme… that’s possible only through surrender… only when the soul’s covering with the material nature ceases… that’s achieved…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. blindzanygirl

    Love and hugs to you too Liz. You don’t have to be in sny particular rereligkon as I think we ALL at times in our lives have to go through this process, without giving it any particular name. I just hapoen to see it through that lens. We all know struggle in our lives don’t we. Lufenis hard at times ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This clearly shows one’s faith or religion hardly matters. Your words clearly indicates the oneness of the thought process concludes that all paths leas to the same goal as long as one follows their prescribed path earnestly and zealously…

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Liz

    I watched a dvd yesterday called The Shack and I liked how that story was done. A man who was depressed after losing his youngest daughter. He questioned god. But the way it was written and based on this, I could see it wasn’t just about God in parts as the characters in the story that came into his life when he went back to The Shack also said, it was about the person each inside of us. Very touching film.


  9. Liz

    I think you will like this film. I bought it from Cex, where a majority of DVD’s I buy are from. I buy second hand, so I don’t pay much. The sound quality of the film though, I found quiet, so I had to turn it up more than normal while still relying on my subtitles.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I don’t know about bravery and courage when it comes to cancer. I do know, that you show courage (in my humble opinion) when you write your truths, whether they are truths of fear or angst or pain, or complete joys. And I know that without fear, you cannot have courage.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. blindzanygirl

    Thankyou SO much Colleen. Those are beautiful words. I will treasure them. They have had a great impact upon me. Bless you for saying that.


  12. May God bless you with courage and strength ……….it has been a tough ride for you Lorraine ……..all I can say is that sometimes our pain makes us much more human than the smiles 😊

    Liked by 2 people

  13. blindzanygirl

    I know Di. I didn’t know I had it. We have just bought Hope a new toy lol. It is a pink pig that is meant to be super tough!!! Bob went into Yhe pet store and found it. Then asked the addustsny how long it would last with a dog that thinks s bar stool is a toy and drags it round the kitchen . The assistant said oh maybe twenty minutes lol. Hope is playing with if in the car right now lol


  14. We have his boot in our knick knack shelf. He loved it, and never damaged it. Maggie has shown a little bit of interest in it, but has never tried to pinch it. None of her toys are plastic/rubber though.


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