FOWC with Fandango — Terse


She was quite TERSE. 

“Walk briskly,” she bit out at me.

For a few months now, I had hardly been able to walk at all.  Gradually my strength had been ebbing away.  It had been odd.  Started with just an itch.  All over my body.  Then I started to lose weight.  FAST.  Five stones in a few weeks!  

“It’s just stress,” the doctor said.

And so, I rolled up at the  Ironstone Centre to see the dermatologist.  Despite hardly being able to walk, I had to climb a flight of stairs to get to her Office.  Always one not to make a fuss, always one to blame myself for things, I pushed myself.  HARD!

When I got to the top of the flight of stairs she was there waiting for me.  The dermatologist.  She’d been primed.  By my doctor.  It was obvious.  

I started to flag, and walking was almost impossible.  But she refused to see what was in front of her eyes.  Or if she saw it, to believe it.  

Somehow or other I managed to make it along the long corridor to her Office.  

“Hold out your hands,” she spat at me.  

I obeyed.  She looked at them, felt one or two of the black spots that had appeared on my skin, and pronounced,

“You have prurigo.  It’s just another name for itch.”

Well, We KNEW I had an itch!  An interminable itch.  From head to toe.  Black bleeding spots all over my body.  Including inside my nose, mouth, and ears!  Prurigo indeed.  Just a fancy name! 

“Good food, and lots of fresh air and lots of walking,” she said.  

Had she missed something?  Had she mussed that I had hardly the strength to walk at all?  Had she missed that I could not eat since food made me puke?  

“I’ll prescribe you some antihistamines  for the itch,” she barked out.

A few months later I was diagnosed with cancer.  A blood cancer.  Which is why the black spots were bleeding.  And of COURSE I could not eat – I had two large tumours in my abdomen!  

Who’s TERSE now?  Methinjs it’s a bit more than TERSE!


31 thoughts on “FOWC/ TERSE

  1. blindzanygirl

    Yes we did Colleen. She refused to speak to us. We had to give her a message through her Secretary. At the time I was at death’s door, and all our energies were taken up with going to the hospital, getting chemo in place, etc. and just generally surviving each day. Whilst my family was angry, I was not, because I was too taken up with fighting for my life, and getting through each wretched day. It was just an awful experience.


  2. blindzanygirl

    Colkeen, I do know how it all happened, but it still should not have. It happened because I WAS under huge stress moving house and looking after my sick husband. I visited my doctor just before Christmas 2012 and just sat and HOWLED for ten minutes flat. The whole appointment in fact. The itch was horrendous, but he put it all down to stress. Which it wasn’t. But I WAS crying a lot. He did do bloid tests in the end, but then put all the bad results down to me having an infection from scratching. Thenloss of weight from what he saw as a refusal to eat. It wasn’t. Plus he refused to listen to other doctors telling him he HAD to do more. We only got the correct disgnosis when we paid a lot of money to see a private dermatologist, who ran proper tests. We had to fight for everything.


  3. blindzanygirl

    She was Di. She intimidated me. But I am a,ways very easily intimidated by doctors. I have never got on well with them since being very young. They a,ways scared me with tbeir authority.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. blindzanygirl

    Yes I know that you had wonderful care. In fact, my haematologist, though very brusque and almost brutal at times, did a VERY good job on me, because I was so far advanced, and he really had to think hard and work hard to get me better. He had no bedside manber at all, but he knew his stuff!


  5. blindzanygirl

    It absolutely IS inexcusable. I think he had got it into his head that I was a mental case. Simply because I cried and cried. And yes, I WAS suffering from stress, because I was so ill, but having to look after my husband too. But you are right. It was inexcusable. We or at least my family, wanted to take it legal, but the more important thing was tonget me treated. We were not in a good position to do much about it, but there was a very angry meeting with the Practice Manager, and threats of taking them to court. However, I was very sick and bedfast and it would have required me to do it as only the patient can do it. That is how mad our law is. To make it so that someone could do it on my behalf, I would have had to go to a solicitor and give power of attorney to someone, legally. I was naked on the bed by this stage, and so could not take that route. We know this because there WAS an attempt at first by my family to do something. In the end, as you can imagine, what was more important was to get me attended to. Then it soon was that I could not even talk. So there was no way I could do anything myself. I do not know why this doctor did as he did, or thought as he thought. I only know that it was by the grace of God that he went on holiday, and this lovely little Pakistani lady doctor saw imnediately that something was terribly wrong. And she sa ed my life. She became like a mother to me. That was the grace of God working. I do not feel angry towards that first doctor for some reason. I can’t be bothered to feel angry. I have far more to think about than being a gry. I feel other things. But my family, mainly my husband, is angry to this day. I don’t blame him. So that is the story. That is how it all happened.


  6. blindzanygirl

    Colleen, she retired shortly after the epusode with me. Yes, she did hear about it. But by then she was retiring. She left that clinic and we could then not find her, though my husband did try. I feel worse towards her than I do towards my G.Pl or primary care doctor as you call them. To be honest, I feel a kind of hatred towards her, which does me no good whatsoever, so I try not to think of it too much. It was just when Fandango put up that word prompt, it was the first thing that came to my head, and so I wrote it. It is the first time I have thought too much about that part of it, because it hurts too much. There are certain parts that I don’t really WANT to remember in too much detial. I never ever want to gonthrough anything like that again. For months, they were pumping antihistamines into me – way over the recommended dose – and no change. That just made matters worse. It was abhorrible time of my life. I have moved on from there now, and from all those people who did me such wrong. Or Icwould go mad. I think of the good ones who came after that. And there were some. My haematologist was shocked, and he did everything he could to save my lufe, whilst telling my hysband he did not know if he could. But the grace of God saved me. Though I had to go through much. It was horrific at the time. But there WERE some a gels. Better for me to think of them. And the next bit of my story that I was going to post is about the angels. But I am not sure I will post any more about it because I do not want to bore people with my cancer story.


  7. It’s not boring Lorraine. It is sometimes difficult to read because of your suffering but it is informative. It tells us we must advocate for ourselves and get help when we need help. We are our own best voice.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. blindzanygirl

    We did not stay in touch with that doctors Practice after what happened to me. We made Complaints, and attempted to get them to take responsibility for what they had done. During the time that I was ill – about a year on treatment – my family sent to the
    Ractuce playing hell up about what had happened but as I said, there was no eay of doing anything legally. I voted with my feet at the end of treatment, and left that Practice for another one, so I never see that wonderful lady doctor now. Our medical system is very different to yours in the U.S. (I believe that is where you are?) which makes my story difficult for some to understand.


  9. blindzanygirl

    On the other hand Colleen, there are times when there is nothing you can do, as in my case. As I have just said to you in another reply about thenlady doctor, our system is different to yours. We have, as you know, a National Health Service, which we pay into (large amounts) out of our wages each week or month. Then you get the Bealth Care. But our system is breaking down. Many cancers are not being detected, and once detected, some are not greated. They play God. Depending on your age, and other factors. There is not the money to treat everyone. My friend died because they took her off chemo, saying it was too expensive to keep giving her. Hers was breast cancer. She died at the age of only 55. She pleaded with them but they would do no more. We DID speak up and TRY to get help, by paying, ourselves, to see a private dermatologist. Of course, we thought it was a dermatology issue at first, until other symptoms appeared. Sowe DID use our own vouces, very very much so. My family fought that medical practice that I was with. But you know, there is an “old boys” ststem here, whereby they cover for each other. Even if you DO take it legal (and most people cannot afford that kind of amount for legal fees) it is very very hard to win against the National Health Service because they have the big guns for lawyers. Not many people win over them. There are many terrible mistakes going on here, bad treatment of patients etc. Terrible hisputals. Our hisputal us lusted as the worst in the cluntry. I luve in an afea where no one wants to come and work. Doctors etc are hard to get to come here. We are a bit of a backwater. And our hisputal gas been inwhat we call SoecialMeasures twice, and is in Slecial Measures now. We have to go a long way to get to a different hospital, but we don’t even have the possibility of that. The system is against us. But as I say, we did pay – a great deal of money, to see a private dermatologist who stated that I did not have anprimary skind disease or condition, but that the itch and the huge black bleeding spits came from somethingcwithin that was not dermatological. He told my doctor to send me imnediately to either a haematologist at the hospital or a General Phtsician at the hospital. I had high levels of something that I cannot remember the name of, in my blood,which suggested cancer, to him. We fought and fought, but my doctor refused to send me to the hispital. I was becoming more and more distressed, onbiously, and cried anlot, as Iwas so sick and trying still to look after my husband, and he put it all down to mental issues. He told this private dermatologist this too. Sadly, here, they tend to think of stress as causes of illness very easily, or mental health issues. I have never had mental health isdues in my lufe. I lectured, and was also a Durector of a Volunteer Agency, that helped people, such as those with Akzheimars, chikdren, the elderly, the sick, etc. So I was not mentally ill. I do not know why he thought that, except that I WAS at the end of my tether with the itch and trying to unpack from the move plus look after my husband who was confined to a recliner chair. I had to look after him full time. So it was not that we were not our own vouce, or that we did not try to get help. We tried very very hard in ehat is a rotten system.

    I still won’t be telling my story any more, however, as I thing it may be that some have taken me wrongly, as what I was realky trying to do was to show that you can get through even if you are scared shitless. To show that we alk DOnhave strength within us when it comes to the crunch. It was meant to inspire, but I think, though am not totalky sure, that some people thought I was looking for sympathy, or help or advice. Which I was not. I guess telling a story in little bits like I have done, is not goid because you don’t then see the storyas a whole. The whole story was a total triumph of my own spirit in the end, to keep goung and keep fighting against all the odds. That doesn’t seem to have come across!!! So I decided in the end to stick to what this site was originally set up for – my poetry. I feel sad because I had hopedbto inspire people, but it has come a ross wrongly. I may go away for a while, and not pist, because it needs a bit of thinking about now. Thankyou so much for your comnents Colkeen, and for continuing to read my posts. Much love to you. Lorraine ❤️


  10. Lorraine, the wonderful thing about writing is that we write for very personal reasons. Those reasons don’t have to make sense to others or please others. Your writing has been raw and honest. If sympathy was expressed to you it was from people who felt something while they read your words. If others think sympathy is a ‘bad thing’ or a ‘bad reason’ to write, that is their issue, not the writer’s issue. I hope you can find the joy in your writing, you have inspired. We can’t help what others get from our writings. Their interpretations are due to their circumstances. You write Lorraine. If it gives you comfort, or a release, or a way to document your story, then write. They don’t have to read it.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. blindzanygirl

    Hi Colleen. Yes we are very different. I know, from a friend in Michigan who had cancer. She had so much better treatment than me and yoyr system seems a lot better in some ways. I guess there are priblems in each system, but different ones.I just didn’t want you to think that we didn’t actually DO anything tonget the help we needed. It was hell on earth. That’s all I know.


  12. blindzanygirl

    Thanks Colleen. You are very kind in those words. I don’t mind at all the sympathy or kibdness. Honestly, that hascdone me the world of goid. It’s just that I wasn’t writing it for rekease or anything like that at all, but more in the hopes that it would encoyrage people. To be in the most terrible circumstances and still to come through helps others to know that they can come through too. I wanted to help thise who are afeaid, because no one could ha e been mire afraid than me! Lol I am a baby. And tbere is novshame in thatcactually. To be afraid but still to go forwards and walk into the fear is courageous and I wanted others who feel that afraid to know that they are actually courageous.

    With writing about the blindness though, it was and is different. I hope it edycates a bit. I hope it demonstrates the kind of suffering that goes with going blind, whuch you would never know or understand unless it happened to you.

    You are right though. I had got tonthe point where I felt I had to apologise for writing about it. That probably comes from childhood. I will think on it. But I will continue to write and post poetry. It mught stray into cancer and blindness though lol. For in acway, I have no other lufe now. That IS my life. Thankyou for interactingcwith me Colleen. ❤️


  13. I think you have been a great encourager Lorraine. You have spoken your truth, you have been clear about the pains and difficulties, BUT you have pointed out the beauty and joy of life STILL.

    And, you are very welcome. Thank you for letting me be part of your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. blindzanygirl

    Lol Colleen. If I use my thingy that reads to me, it actually SAYS “Smiling face” or whatever. However, the other way round, I cannot see what one I am clicking on, though I do use them but mostly the heart one as I know where that is lol. Thankyou so much for thinking of that Colleen

    Liked by 1 person

  15. blindzanygirl

    Hi Colleen. I just found this. Sorry I didn’t see it before. It’s ok about the smilets 😊. Thankyou for thinking about it though. My voice over thingy that reads things to me (when it’s working properly lol) actually says things like “Smiling face” or “screwed up face with one eyeborow raised” or something like that. I was anazed at how it did that! I love the smileys. Lifts my day lol. So keep doing the smileys when you want to 😊

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s