WHERE’S IT ALL GONE?

Black
Fear
Walls close in on me
No way out
Shivering
Nausea
Screams rising
“Where’s it all gone?
Where’s it all gone?”
Deep guttural sobs
That can do no good
Escape from my mouth
But there Is no escape for me
Blocked
Held
Trapped
It’s gone
Nothing can get it back
Nothing assuage
It’s gone
My life
Another bit stripped away
Today
Fear chokes me

Chokes

Chokes

 

Chokes

 

Me

13 thoughts on “WHERE’S IT ALL GONE?

  1. blindzanygirl

    Thankyou Gary. I hope you never have to feel like this. I hope that your health remains and that you never have this experience. Nthough I know you have suffered this in another form. Sending you love today x

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  2. I can but imagine how awful this is–many of us have infirmities different from yours, but equally devastating. It may be small comfort, but God is holding you so close to His heart ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. blindzanygirl

    Why would that be small comfort? God is my life. Without God I would never have survived my cancer. At one point I was unable to speak at all, and would use baby wirds for things, like “pitsus” for stairs, or something like that. My mind went. Mi was at one stage on all fours on the bed in agony, drooling at the mouth from the ferocious itch that plagued my body day and night. At that point my mother mocked and said “Where is your God now?’ And she pursed her lipsnup in revulsion. I had to lie naked on the bed with open, bleeding sores. My pillow was filled with blood every morning. I went through the deepest agony. All that I had on my lips was God)s name. I nearly died. I had the Last Rites. Ibdidn’t die. My Blog began because I wanted to give light to others and say that there always IS light, and to give hope. That was the aim of my blog. I do it mostly in poetry. I started using some prose as well though, but I am not syre that was a goodnidea. I was going to write a book as inspiration to others. Because I wanted to show how low you can get but still shrvive. That the spirit takes over and you drinkbdeep from the well within that you never knew you had until you started to drink, not knowing the water was there. I have been stripped of most of what makes us human. I am totally dependent upon others for even the most basic of things. Mi cannot choose. Everything is all chosen for me. I am in other peopke’s power. I have been rejected by my church and my priest. I have been crucufied. This is why I take the path that I take. Jesus did not laugh or smile on the Cross. But it is expected of us. I write honestly. Sometimes it is not pretty or palatable. My face is horrid due to the myscle loss in it due to the chemo drug. I cannot eat. I dribble. I throw my liquid food all over because I cannot see it. At church they called me a feprobate. And many more things, i am repulsive now. All due to the cancer drugs. I have been stripped of everything including my dignity. I write as I write because of, or in spite of, this. Not a pretty story, but agod is all in all.

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  4. blindzanygirl

    I am going to write all this down in a book and it will be a meditation on what constitutes being human. And how you can possibly survive the stripping away of all that makes you human. In the end it is only God who gets us through. But many people lose faith ore cannot even contemplate having faith under such circumstances. I totally understand this position.

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  5. On the topic of technology and patience–tonight I’m fighting with a “mouse” that won’t cooperate, haha! I have 3–2 are wireless, use batteries…and I wanted to go back to the old USB one….good grief! 🙂 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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