KNOWING AND NOT KNOWING

I’ve been thinking. (Yeah, I can, sometimes!), and the one thing above all that I know is that I know nothing!

There have been times in my long life when I have thought I had it all worked out. I had it sussed.

However, this little brain of mine got to thinking – and it always DOES! Always the questioner (i’ve got into trouble many times for that: “Just have faith.” Well, that was never in my nature. I learned, through life, never to accept what someone told me was true, and just swallow it without question. I would never do something just because someone told me I had to do it! You can get into all KINDS of trouble that way.

No, if indeed there was a God at all, then He gave me my brain, and it was there for a purpise – to be used! To think about things. To analyse them.

And so yes, I got into trouble. I guess I’m still in it! I question authority. I will not accept “received wisdom.” I am a rebel, and with a GOOD cause – my own sanity, and my eternal soul (if indeed there IS anything beyond this life, and frankly, who KNOWS?). I could talk about that topic for ever. I believe we have eternity in the here and now, but I won’t elaborate any more on that. And I most CERTAINLY won’t try to foist my own beliefs (or non beliefs) onto somebody else. Sadly, others have tried very hard to do that to me, but it never works! The more that someone says “You SHOULD believe this” or “You SHOULD do that,” the more resistant I will become. Not because I am stubborn or arrogant, but because I maintain my freedom to choose and to make decisions for myself, as an adult who has lived a long life. A life in which I have experienced a lot and learned a lot.

I HAVEN’T got it all sussed. In fact what I have kearned above all is that I know nothing. I remember when I was doing my Masters in Theology (and I only mention this because it was part of my life’s search for truth) my Supervisor saying to me, “Lorraine, you are thoroughly postmodern. You are comfortable there, with no waymarks and no absolute truth.” And he was right. And I was!

I don’t believe that any one of us ever has everything sussed. I know that many like to think that they have. I know that there is a lot of stuff going around that says if you believe like this and do this you will be successful and happy. I don’t buy it. Life just isn’t like that. And if my cancer and blindness has taught me nothing else it has taught me that!

Just lately I have felt even more uncertain. Life is like the rolling sea. Nothing at all IS certain – well, except that I am getting old and will ultimately die. And that is another subject. People don’t like talking about that one. But I want to. I REALLY want to. Because nothing will stop that coming. You can NOT hold back death for ever.

And so, I know nothing. But I want to talk about EVERYTHING, even the most unpopular subjects.

I sometimes think that some of my poems might offend some people’s sensibilities. Yet I still write them. I write them because it is life. Life in the raw. Life as it often is. No adornments. No nothing. And I will never stop doing that.

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