#FOWC. Orphan

FOWC with Fandango — Orphan
I have not made it any secret in here that my mother has been highly abusive to me all of my life. Some of the time I have lived a long way away from her, but in 2009 we were forced by circumstances back here, to my hometown. It is a place that I hate, for all kinds of reasons, but there was no alternative.

I know that soon, technically, I will be an ORPHAN, my father having died in 2001. The prospect terrifies me. However bad a parent has been, they are still your parent. I don’t know why the bond is so strong even when there has been terrible abuse, but it is. I suppose it is because abusers are never totally bad. They can and do, do good things too. Thus can make things very confusing, abd indeed, for much of my life I have been confused.

Arguably, I was an orphan anyway, a long time ago, for I never really had parents I could rely on. They abandoned me emotionally, and I never knew love from them.

My grandmother, on the other hand, did give me love. She had unending patience with me. I would sleep in the big feather bed with her at the farmhouse, and she insisted that she never slept. One night I suggested we count sheep together, and tell each other when we reached each hundred mark. And so it went, one hundred, two hundred, three hundred, and so on. Until I reached one thousand and was still wide awake.

“Nan, Nan,” I shouted excitedly. Then, nudging her out of her deep sleep, “Nan, one thousand.” She stirred and grunted. Obviously counting sheep had worked for her, until little ekbows nudged her awake!

I guess I should say that my grandmother was my real mother. When she died in 1998 my whole world went. And yet……..when my mother goes, I know that I will be unconsolable. You can never untie the bond between a mother and child, is my belief, although I know others may say different.

6 thoughts on “#FOWC. Orphan

  1. I never knew anything but love from my mother, though I can still relate to abuse because I suffered it from others. Wherever it comes from, it’s a spirit-killing (or at least spirit-wounding) thing, and the abuser almost never changes. That being the case, the only solution appears to be to distance oneself from the abuser, though this may not be possible (especially for children). That’s why the abused (again, especially children) need someone to trust and confide in, otherwise life is hell.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. blindzanygirl

    You couldn’t have spoken a truer word mistermuse. I am sorry you knew abuse took but happy for you that you knw nothing but love from your mother. I was so lucky to have my grandmother, but she knew nothing of what was happening to me via her daughter. I could not possibly tell her. I told someone when I was 13 – a clergy person. They said that I was not a Christian for saying such thungs. My mother was a charmer and ab actress as most abusers are. I was not heard until I was 19 but I ran away from home then. It is ok now though, i am much older. We kept our distance for many years. But it can be quite confusng, thankyou so much for your comment mistermuse. I apreciate it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I wish I had something meaningful to offer beyond sympathy.

    I was in a similar boat, only without the loving grandparent. Things are better now between me and my mom, but it took cutting her completely out of my life for 14 years and then a few years later another 10 years. I still have issues letting anyone get close to me.

    You’re strong though. You’ve survived and overcome so much already. While this will close some doors, if you keep your heart open you’ll find it opens doors for you as well.

    Liked by 2 people

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