SINCE. THE DEBACLE

On By blindzanygirlIn Uncategorized

Following the debacle of hubby falling out of bed, we have gone through a very dark time. I attempted to write some poetry this morning, but could only manage one limerick and one or two others. I struggled horribly. I had a tremendous desire to write what I truly felt, but that would have made me far too vulnerable at this time. It would have been very dark.

I must admit that I am frightened. Very frightened. But admitting to fear is not a very good idea always. I am frightened by my own physical condition and my husband’s physical condition also. Our lives are so very precarious, and we walk a tightrope, but the worst of all is that we have no one. We have been traumatised of late by my brother saying I am not his sister, and turning completely away from us, with no mercy. He will not change. But it has been one of the most painful things that I have ever endured. Not only has he done it to us, but to his 93 year old mother too, whom we thought was dying at the weekend. He walked away.

I have been thinking a lot about my life over the past few days, and very especially today. I felt that I had to write something meaningful for my blog today, even if it is not poetry. It was very hard to write humour this morning, but I just had to do it.

I have thought such a lot about my life up to now, and tried to make sense of things , but can’t. Maybe there IS no sense to anything. I don’t know.

At the moment I just want the summer to pass and autumn to come. It may match my mood more. I may start writing about autumn even before it comes. I want it to come quickly.

I am afraid of my own health. We have not had good news on it, and I cannot say that I am brave. I am scared silly. But I cannot put on an act either. I find it very hard to live up to the bravery of other people with cancer. But I can only be honest. I fear death. And it may be that I will write about that – the great taboo!

I will finish here, but I needed very much to write this down. I write in great physical pain and utter exhaustion. But I am not giving in.

17 thoughts on “SINCE. THE DEBACLE”

  2. blindzanygirl

    Thanks Di. Just going to bed so so tired. Will reply to you properly tomorrow,. Your support means a lot, bless you

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  4. I know that words (at least, mine) seem completely inadequate at such a time, but YOUR words do matter — to me, and to anyone with an ounce of shared humanity in them. So, indeed speak — but only when you can do so without overtaxing yourself. We will be here.

    All our love.

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  5. Paula Light

    I’m so sorry. It seems like we’re just barely coping and then another thing happens. I don’t understand families that turn their backs. My own did that to each other in my parents’ time, so I too am estranged from them all. I have only the children I created myself.

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  8. blindzanygirl

    Oh Paula. I am so sorry. It truly is horrible when families are like this. There are eleven years bewteen me and my brother and I was the first to hold him as a luttle baby as my mother had a home birth, and the midwife placed him into my arms first. Well, maybe my mother had held him for a moment before I entered the room, but she had just cut the cord when she gave him to me. He was lovely. I kind of raised him and I can hardly believe he would do this. He has his reasons I guess but we have done nothing to him. He has made it in the world though and is a big business man while we are very humble. Oh well…..

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  9. blindzanygirl

    Thankyou Colleen. It is the middle of the night, and I an awake again because of physical pain. I guess this is going to be how it is now. I guess at least I can still write though! Lol

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  11. blindzanygirl

    Thankyou Paula. And I really am sorry you are in a similar boat with family. We have no children. I guess we will get through in the end.

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