2020 is going to be very different.

As many of you know, we lost my mum not long before Christmas. Also, as many of you know, she was a highly abusive mother. Since she died, however, my grief has been unconsolable! I have been shocked by it!

No one is COMPLETELY bad, and neither was she. Towards the end, she was very confusing. A couple of times, she uttered, to me, and respinded to the words, “I love you.” This shook me, as they are words never used in my family.

I never actually ever stopped loving my mother – a fact which many find surprising, and can’t take in. In some ways, during my life, I have been vilufied for still loving her. But that is me. I have a sofy but resilient heart.

My mother did NOT die a peaceful death, and it still haunts me today. I am finding it hard to get over it, and over the memories. Trut to my family, a row broke out at her death bed, minutes before she died. A row between my brother and sister. My sister went vucious and bananas. I said something, and then got attacked viciously by my sister. I knew that I had to leave, for the sake of my mother who was dying.

As I left, grief stricken at what was happening, the Nurse was about to give my mother a morphine injection. Her first, administered in this way. Until then she had had morphine drinks and tablets. But now, she could no longer swallow. We knew this was it. I left, reluctantly, and witha heavy heart. I still cannot bear the memory of it.

My mother died at home, in an NHS bed, in her front room, which she had been in for only one week. The doctor had given her up to 12 weeks, but she only survived for one week. The bed wasa special one that was a bit like a water bed I guess- specially designed to prevent bed sores. My mother, humorosly called it The Gobi Desert. That first weekend, when she was in it, she was lively, if difficult. But as the week progressed she became weaker.

Even on the day she died, however, my brother and I (we had been estranged until then) were talking politics, sitting on her most uncomfortable (to me) settee. We asked her if she wanted us to be quiet. Her breathing was not good (she had emphysema) and was on oxygen, but she was lively and replied, “No, it’s like background music.” She loved politics.

I was not there when she died. After the row, I left, but me and my husband got almost home, and I just HAD to go back. We got back and were outsidevthe house, and my husband texted my brother to say we were there and that I would go in and just sit in the hall. The text came back, “Mum just died.”

I will NEVER forget it and never get over it. Even though she was an abusive mother, she had said that she wanted me at her side as she died. She had said this only one week previous.

I was not there.

I may write more about all of this soon, simply because I NEED to. You can either read it or give it a miss.

2020 will certainly be different though!



And as the New Year now begins I sing
A brand new song born in pain from the old
Gone now is the soul destroying sharp sting
For I have found a way to break the mould
Resentment never found its home in me
Nor bitterness a bed wherein to sleep
Though eyes are blind I still can clearly see
Love is the only way to walk the deep
A path into the unknown future calls
And I will take my chance though hills are high
Only the one who fears and falters falls
Though questions may abound all asking why
I look not back but press right on this night
And know my darkness soon will turn to light