INSPIRED BY BEETLEYPETE. Thankyou Pete. If you haven’t yet discovered Pete’s blog, then please consuder taking anlook. It us a great blog, and he writes some fantastic stories.
I’ve been thinking about thinking about the past! We’re always told to let the past go, and to live in the present. Sometimes it’s hard to do that. I wonder if, as we get older, we do it more? I mean, we have more past behind us than we have time in the future. And our future is often influenced by the past whether we like it or not.
I must admit that I do think of the past a lot, because my present is shit. And my future is even shittier! There was nothing that I could have done in the past that would have made my present much different. Oh I might have been richer. I might have been married to a different bloke. I might have been living in a different place. But fundamentally nothing would have been different. I would still have got cancer, and I would still have been blind. My life would still be as it is now.
I do think of the past and how I used to be, and of how in the blink of an eye things can change. Your whole life is completely altered and re-written. And it saddens me. I am sad. What makes me sadder than anything is that there is nothing I can do to change it. We all need hope. And particularly hope of change for the better. In my case that does not exist. I know with a certainty that what lies ahead of me is deterioration, and even more loss of any form of independence.
How do I feel about this? I feel despairing, at times. I feel sad. I feel angry. I grieve a lot.
But when all is said and done, I have to go on living, or trying to live, in the best way that I possibly can. Finding ways through. Finding ways of still existing as a person. Because this thing takes away your personhood if you are not careful.
I have to admit that I often feel envious. I read or hear of just ordinary things that people are doing, or even just hear them out in the street from my open bedroom window, and I have pangs of envy and jealousy.
I guess that somehow or other I will get through. But the future is frightening. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I shout. Sometimes I scream. These are all human things to do. But mostly I just endure, for it is the only way to get through. And that is my biggest hope of all – that I can just go on enduring.