A lifetime
Confused
Tangled
Screaming red
Raining black
On the ground
You above me
I saw the devil
That night
Felt him in your spit
As it landed
On my face
And in the power
That dangled
From above
Heard him
In the contorted voice
That called me
Names
Until
You left
And then
I got up
Ran
And there you were
Waiting
Ice cold water
In a bowl
Ready to throw
Soaking
I ran
Up a street
Where no one knew
Or cared
No one knows
I choose not to tell
But in my heart I know
The truth
A truth black in colour
And red in effects
A line
Like a vein
Going purple in time
Hidden
I choose not to tell
Twisty roads night sky
Trees silhouetted stately
The moon is rising
O.K. So tomorrow is All Change Day!
i know that we are still meant to be able to use the Classic Editor by clicking somewhere. Being blind I won’t be able to see that.
Have got used to manipulating this Classic Editor, as I began using it before I went completely blind. So in a way I kind of know where I am with it though it is still very difficult for me to make a post. However, if I had to use the new Block Editor I would be in a total mess. Having tried to read about it I have found that I simply cannot follow it. I cannot see diagrams or layouts or anything at all that explains how to use it.
i am therefore truly hoping that indeed we cn still choose to use the ClassicEditor, otherwise I too will have to leave WordPress!
Perhaps
One day the thief
Will come taking away
All of our liberties for now
The time
Has come
For the brainwashing to begin
Wearing deceptive clothes
Going back
to that place wind
rustling in trees waving
casting their shadows light and dark
making
pictures
that constantly move intertwine
light and dark dancing songs
of tears and joy
embrace
Breathing
life into bones
dead cold and withering
a spirit of heavenly love
locked doors
cannot
stop the spirit of gentleness
coming into a room
of suffering
peace peace
Perhaps
You might just know
Or think that you just know
That which is unknowable to
Walkers on different paths few
Can tell
It all
But think in arrogance they can
Knowing is nothing
Nothing is known
Ergo
Here now
Motionless
As a dead thing lying
He stared with glassy eyes open
Mouthed skin
Pallid
Around him walked life relentless
Paralysed his voice stuck
And died
Today has been a bad day physically speaking. I am not sure what is happening or where it is going, though of course I may find out next week from my doctor.
I have always known that my particular afflictions were progressive, and that were potentially fatal. Indeed they will be fatal if something else doesn’t get me first! Lol. But I have ended up really worried and very weepy today because I literally have not had the strength to get to the bathroom. It is well known that the extreme fatigue associated with my cancer goes on for years, and can increase with the peripheral polyneuropathy, and today, upon trying to move out of bed, my breathing became bad, and my oxygen levels went very low. I then started to tremble and shake, and I must admit I did become very distressed. I know it is not Covid 19 as I have had these episodes before, and every day my breathing goes when I go to the bathroom in a morning. But today it was worse than normal.
So it has been a bad and quite frightening day, and part of me wondered if it was the cancer back, since it felt a bit like that. So next week may well tell me a lot.
I am not being melodramatic when I say that my body could be reaching its natural end. I always knew this was on the cards. But in a way facing that is quite hard.
So we will see what happens. I am in bed right now and will remain there until things improve.
My body now is shutting down
I feel it more each day
Is it my mind or is it real
Are thoughts beginning to play
I now can hardly stand or move
The effort makes me shake
I want to cry but must go on
Though now my world does quake
I can’t believe it’s happening
And wonder why it is
Has cancer got me in the end
My mind is in a tizz
I won’t acknowledge weakness now
I feel that I must fight
My body has another mind
And I have lost my sight
I fell upon the bathroom floor
Whilst going in the night
I couldn’t see just where I was
My senses took their flight
And now I’m lying here in pain
Is this to be my end
Detaching from the world I am
So say goodbye my friend
There is nothing between us now
I am at the edge
Looking in
And suddenly
I am there, part of the picture
Alone
But All One
As the sunset enters my soul
No longer a picture
But part of me
I part of it
And in this moment
I know
Eternity
A flea who wanted a condom
Decided his girlfriend was awesome
He went to the barber
So full of ardour
It was closed by government direction
I used
To be like you
Standing tall head held high
The fittest with the best of you
That time
Now gone
I live now in a different land
Bent crooked old woman
Not sexy now
Except
Within
My heart that craves
The loving that I had
When body was blithe and young
Still flow
Waters
Of sweet loving in a parched land
Bathe me in your fountain
To sweet music
Of love
A flea who wanted some sex
Made a phone call to Becks
Said Will you come over
We’ll roll in the clover
And kiss open mouthed not just pecks
Getting
Used to sliding
From high to low and back,
Even though I can’t see what’s what,
Swing me
Hit me
Maybe one day I will stay still,
But then I might be dead,
I am breathing,
They say
A flea who stood in a queue
Just didn’t know what to do
He needed new socks
In a really nice box
But his feet fell off waiting till 2
In the heat
The day disappears
Nothing much achieved
Thunder in air
Heavy oppressive skies
Black clouds roll
Give me air
Fresh as dew
In morning’s light
Looking up the hill
I see my past and its joys
They will always live
A flea who wanted a mask
Went to Amazon then bought a flask
The masks weren’t designer
But there was nothing finer
Than a flask for which he did ask
Take my hand
Feel soft skin
Know my love
Hold on now
Never let go
Keep me forever
Lead me home
Guided by light
Out of darkness
Though my eyes are blind
And my body will not work
I dream of loving
Lying in the summer sun
As if Iwas young again
I feel inside me
The sweet joys that we once knew
My body aching
Today in your light
We basked in the summer sun
Drinking in the hope
Fandango’s Friday Flashback — May 29
The womb of the world
Contains the waters of life
Ready to give birth
I will build my little altar
In the woods where fairies play
Where gentleness reigns
And sweet voices sing
Where playfulness is the religion
And there is no judgement
For being as children
Is the way to finding heaven
Where transparency is the path
That everyone walks
Light as a feather
No black coats
Or white plastic smiles
Whilst behind the eyes is evil
An arrogance that only power can bring
A need for position
And a cruel icy coldness
I will build my little altar
In the woods where fairies play
He stood at the gate
Man of many means waving
Breaking my silence
Apparition from heaven
I fell to the ground and sobbed
Yesterday was an amazing day. I actually spoke to somebody. It was a hot day here in the U.K. and we went to the little church that I have written of here before. We sat, with the car doors open, and I was doing my usual – writing. It was very beautiful. We were parked under a tree, and the birds were making a racket – probably breeding!
Towards the end of the afternoon, a man came towards us down the church path. I had no idea who he was, being blind, but I shouted out “Hello” to him. I was a bit bothered because I thought he might break the 2 metres apart rule, as so many people do. However, he shouted “Hello” back. I realised then who it was. It was the man who owns many many acres of land around there – the rich farmer. All the men around there work for him, but he puts on no airs and graces and treats everyone equally, and as a friend. He is a multi-millionaire. But he speaks to everyone.
I started talking to him – for the first time in nearly twelve weeks, I spoke to someone. I was nearly crying with emotion. Another human being!
We spoke about how the church is now locked, making us so sad, and about the pandemic. And at the end I said to him,
“It’s WONDERFUL to talk to another human being.” He was so happy to have broken the silence for me, and I was so happy too.
If only others could act like that and actually TALK to me. We shall be going back there again today, just to sit.
Yesterday was an amazing day. I actually spoke to somebody. It was a hot day here in the U.K. and we went to the little church that I have written of here before. We sat, with the car doors open, and I was doing my usual – writing. It was very beautiful. We were parked under a tree, and the birds were making a racket – probably breeding!
Towards the end of the afternoon, a man came towards us down the church path. I had no idea who he was, being blind, but I shouted out “Hello” to him. I was a bit bothered because I thought he might break the 2 metres apart rule, as so many people do. However, he shouted “Hello” back. I realised then who it was. It was the man who owns many many acres of land around there – the rich farmer. All the men around there work for him, but he puts on no airs and graces and treats everyone equally, and as a friend. He is a multi-millionaire. But he speaks to everyone.
I started talking to him – for the first time in nearly twelve weeks, I spoke to someone. I was nearly crying with emotion. Another human being!
We spoke about how the church is now locked, making us so sad, and about the pandemic. And at the end I said to him,
“It’s WONDERFUL to talk to another human being.” He was so happy to have broken the silence for me, and I was so happy too.
If only others could act like that and actually TALK to me. We shall be going back there again today, just to sit.
Sent from my iPad
No longer
Can she be whole
Her world is stripped
Bare like the trees in winter
A body
That isn’t a body
Non functioning
In a way
That leaves her alone
And that is the nature of it all
That aloneness is the way
That life is
And all things
Are merely a distraction
From the aloneness that we fear
My friend
Until you know your aloneness
You cannot understand
The nature of all things
And in the end we
Are alone battling life
In the blackest pits
So many people are saying that they are going to leave WordPress either because of the new Block Editor coming in or because of other problems in commenting, liking, or whatever. I came in this morning to find yet another person is going. Someone whom I counted as a valued friend.
in “real life” yesterday I said goodbye too. I feel so very very sad. I cannot bear saying goodbye to so many people. Good luck to everyone. I say this whilst crying. The bottom just dropped out of my world. 🙁
I felt
Your face today
With my fingers, gently
Caressing Your wounds, feeling mine
Keenly
As one
We danced in the Sanctuary,
For the sake of glory
Joined together
Entranced
I came today found
that you had said Goodbye gone
to a better place
We sat by this same field yesterday
The field offered its soul tonight
Raw, unadulterated,
White with the innocence of promise
Now silent after busyness
A moment of contemplation
A waiting time
When nature can be still, rest,
And in the silent peace
A family
Of Little Egrets wandered
But this was just a moment
Soon the ploughing will begin
New seeds sown
The silence broken
The cycle will begin again
Building
Tension body
Aching for so long come
And lie here with me in the heat
Take me
Places
That I have never been before
My disabled body
Craves your loving
Come now
Dark dawns
In heart of pain
The knife stands ready now
Waiting to plunge into my heart
Your lies
Killed me
My head now spinning round and round
I want to get away
I am captive
To you
I spent
The night dying
My skin leaking red blood
Trying to get away from pain
Stomach
Rising
Aching to spew out the evil
You caught me for ever
My helplessness
Your aid
When the knife cuts sharp
Is the pain for a moment
Our bodies adjust
A REALITY FOR SOME DURING THIS LOCKDOWN
Breathing close to her
He smothered her slowly dead
She no longer screams
A flea who was sick of his life
Decided to take a new wife
It didn’t go well
And felt rather like hell
And was nothing but trouble and strife
Hello friends. I need to say that I am having extreme difficulty in commenting on some blogs. They are the ones where your email address is needed, plus something else but am not sure what, with being blind. I can’t work it out. I have spent some time this morning writing out some longish comments to some people but then being unable to post the comment because of this. So if you are one of those blogs where this is required I am having difficulty. I am not ignoring you. Just very much want to comment but can’t. I feel very sad about this.
oh, and writing out my whole email address is very difficult for me. Then when I have done it, it tells me that I am not logged in to that address, which is totally untrue.
Lorraine
Lying
In the darkness
I see a dazzling light
Brighter than anything before
Shining
Treasure
Such as I have never known eyes
That are blind perceive it
Glowing colours
Of life
In the darkness see
With brilliant clarity
Light that never dies
A tree house
In the field
Invites me in
Sheep and chickens
Wander at will
Kids play ball
I climb up
Find my home
In freedom againR
Riding
On a white horse
Through fields of greenest hue
I feel the sunshine on my back
Warming
My heart
I hear the birds singing in trees
And know that once again
Summer is here
I smile
Words are easy
Blowing in the wind
Like a fart out of a bottle
Impulsive
Garish
Clanging
Love is not a clanging cymbal
But harder than words
Tougher than steel
In love I stand
While you clang on
Smashed
The life
I once had
The hope I had
The childlike wonder
That held me together
Eyes radiant with pure joy
So easy to smash the weakest
Until they are nothing but fragments
Not even worth picking up any more
I reached out yesterday
With my battered body and battered soul
To you the Body of Christ
For many days I knocked on your door
You did not open it
For many days I banged
You still did not open it
I longed to hear your voice
But you did not answer
I was one of you once
Before disease got me
And then I became the leper
Not the fit and healthy one who needed no help
You turned a blind eye to my blind eyes
You would neither listen nor speak
You had too many Meetings
Zoom Meetings
The business still goes on
You have no time for people
You are too busy building your “Kingdom”
Of fit and healthy people
To whom you can easily offer
The Body of Christ
Whilst my little voice
You would not hear
A voice crying in the wilderness
A place of hard stones
Of parched thirst
A place where there is no nourishment
I take another pain killer
Maybe it will kill the pain of my soul one day
Do you hear Jesus weeping?
Hold me warm my heart
In this world of nothingness
I see some green grass
Lay me down gently
In its soft green lushness take
Me as I am now
Give me your loving
As I remember times past
Bring me back to life
Gentle breeze singing
Lulling me to sleep again
Hold me in your arms
Perfect love is found
Where fear has lost its power
Walk away from fear
The first bit of my book has been posted. In it, I mention God. A contentious subject. I am writing here, of the child’s search for, and idea of God.
I do not know whether there is a God or not. I state that categorically. There may be, or there may not be. And if there is, God may simply be our own inner essence. Who knows?
At various times in my life I have thought that I found God. But then I waver. I believe that mostly, ideas of God are simplistic. But again, there’s nothing wrong with simplicity.
I have known some VERY dark times in my life. Abused terribly by my mother,and then by my husband. I have suffered many bad things in my life, culminating in what I am going through now.
And so, is there light in the darkness, or is the darkness actually the light? These are the questions I am grappling with.
I can’t be put into a category regarding God.
I really want to make my book interesting and not twee.
So, we go on!
Sent from my iPad
I wrote the below a couple of days ago. There is much that I do not understand because it had been a very black and “poorly” day. But at midnight I wrote the following. It is only a beginning, and some of you will have read something before about my walks down the lane with my grandmother. But this account is to be put into a particular context – a consideration of the light and the dark and the paradoxucal nature of both of them. It is only the beginnings of the Chapter. Feedback would be GREATLY appreciated. Even criticism. Thankyou to all who take the time to read 😊
CHAPTER 1.
The Coming of the Darkness.
I suppose, if we are considering the darkness we have to ask what it is. Is it simply a physical thing, or is it a mood, a state of mind? Perhaps it is true to say both. My life has been such that I have known many deep darknesses. However, my earliest memory of the physical darkness was when I was three years old, and walking up the long lane from my grandparents’ farmhouse at night, to the main road, with my grandmother. The reason for the walk was to take the empty milk bottles and the milk checks up to the lane end for the milkman in the morning. The night sky seemed vast, and very dark. Some nights it was darker than others, and I would be holding tightly onto Grandma’s hand. She would guide me, using a torch to illuminate the potholes for us. The lane was very rough, and new potholes were always appearing. I would constantly be having to be told to watch where I was walking, because I had my eyes on the sky. I was fascinated by the sky, and especially on the nights when the stars were visible. They were, to a three year old, absolutely amazing, and their light seemed to be so bright. Little gems in the sky. And so, often my gaze was heavenward, rather than on the ground, watching for potholes, where, in Grandma’s words, I could “come to grief.” I had no idea what grief was but I certainly knew that it was something that wasn’t very nice. It was not, however, grief that I was bothered about, despite being warned of its painful effect. I was more bothered about knowing where God was. There seemed to be so many stars in the sky that it didn’t look like there was any room for God. And the one thing that I knew about God even at that young age was that He was big. And I was very interested in Him. Where on earth could He fit in amongst all those stars? And yet in my childish way, I knew that He did. I had no doubt about that at all. But my constant question to Grandma was,
“Where is God?” She did not know, but she conceded that He must be up there somewhere.
Sometimes you meet it
Sitting right there in the street
And you know it’s crap
Inside the same love
Offers its softness to you
Sweet gentle loving
I crave your pure ecstasy
Joy I never know
I saw you today
Summer dress adorning you
Your blithe young body
Inviting summer loving
I imagine ecstasy
Still there winding path
Inviting in the sunshine
She set off to walk
Forgetting that she could not
Finding that the gate was closed
IN VIEW OF WHAT WORDPRESS IS DOING I FEEL IT IS TIME TO REPOST THIS 😃 (I wrote it after having a flirtation with the Block Editor!)
Oh Classic Editor
How I love you
With your clear firm lines
And your soft open spaces
Oh how easy it is to slide into you
Oh what joy we can have there
Creating and recreating joy and bliss
Winding ourselves up into ecstasy
Oh how beautiful you are
My long lost lover
Oh how I craved to be in your arms again
Oh how I craved for the freedom you gave
I yearned for you
I longed for you
And your gentleness
Oh how you invited me in
Where together we could create beautiful things
Oh my love we are back together again
Oh my love never leave me again
Never leave me abandoned again
I love you so much
I am eternally yours
Stay with me for ever
And never let me go
Yesterday was a bad day. I sank into my own temptation.
Today I am awake. For how long, I don’t know.
Yesterday I managed to post on my blog, can’t even remember what I posted. Some crap no doubt!
I was going to delete my blog. But then I didn’t, so probably posted crap instead.
Today I have definitely posted crap!
And here is the crap I just wrote:
“I am unreachable now. I didn’t used to be. I tried. You know, the glass half full bit. The seeing stars in mud. The knowing that your prison is only in your mind and that you yourself have the key to unlock it. The exhausting positivity. The relentless struggle.
I don’t live in this world any more. I am IN it. Physically I am here. But I don’t live in it any more. Each day I wake, wishing I hadn’t had to. Each day I know that there will be panting joggers, wiggling cyclist’s bottoms, people walking dogs. Oh yes, that used to be me. But now I live in meaningless crap, with temptation just around the corner that I keep going round. I am drawn to the corner. There is nowhere else to go.
What a good job that I don’t have a shotgun.”
Perhaps I should have deleted my blog.
Strangely, it is sometimes as if I live in two different worlds. But are they one and the same? I truly do not know. I wrote the first chapter of my book last night. It was full of light. But I myself was in complete darkness at the time.
There is so much that I do not understand. Maybe it is just exhaustion from constantly having to pull myself up by my bootstraps, for if I didn’t I would sink. Never to be no more. And it is not as if the light isn’t real. It is. But the dark is real too. The utter blackness. The utter LONELINESS.
So today, here is my crap!
I am a stranger now
The world passes by
I wave you do not see
I am in my place
Confined
Quiet
Do you not see
I used to be like you
A person in this world
But the world said goodbye
And only in my mind
Can I cycle, run, walk,
Laid on my bed
Lockdown locked him down
Though his prison was his home
All vestiges of life
Disappeared
Whilst joggers jogged along
And others passed by on two wheels
His door was locked
No voice was to be heard
Even speech locked down
No one spoke his language
Once he struggled for life
Until one day
The waving stopped
He had waved his last goodbye
She heard the stories
Her life now irrelevant
Gradually speech
Left her language meaningless
The cold earth took her body
The spirit dying
Unable to sustain life
The loneliness bites
Lost in a bubble
From which there was no escape
His body grew cold
Bad days creep around
never very far away
suddenly they pounce
Trees in the forest
Give me their protection
Sun dancing on ground
Inviting me to dance
To the singing of the wind tickling the branches
Buttercup shimmers
Waving in the gentle breeze
Arousing senses
My soul has depths deep
As the ocean mystery
Swimming shimmering
No longer
Can she be whole
Her world is stripped
Bare like the trees in winter
A body
That isn’t a body
Non functioning
In a way
That leaves her alone
And that is the nature of it all
That aloneness is the way
That life is
And all things
Are merely a distraction
From the aloneness that we fear
My friend
Until you know your aloneness
You cannot understand
The nature of all things
Hot heaving shops
Bright coloured clothes
Kids running round
Wheel clanking trolleys
Going off course
Slowing you down
Some choice words
Shopping now done
Home for dinner
Where is the prison
that keeps you locked in your mind
you must find the key
Outside the stone walls
the wild wind blows in fury
unfettered for ever free
I HAVE THREATENED TO DO THIS FOR A LONG TIME AND TODAY WAS AS GOOD A DAY AS ANY. INSTEAD OF CLOSING MY BLOG DOWN I HAVE BEEN INSPIRED TO DO THIS.
I have often heard people say, “There is life before cancer and life after cancer.” I have never heard a truer word. Even for those who recover, and return to “normal” life, there is often a residue of doubt and anxiety. But for some of us, “normal” never happens again. That day when you are told you have cancer is probably the most devastating one in your life. For some, it is expected, as they had some inkling beforehand, but for others it is a complete shock. And for some of those, they will hear the words also, “You may die.” Well, we all know that we are going to die at some point, but perhaps we do not expect it to be cancer that kills us. Certainly not if we are not old at the time of diagnosis. In my case, it did not kill me, though it was certainly expected to, by the medical profession. I am one of their “success” stories. Yet, as someone once said to me about how I have been left by the aggressive chemotherapy, “They fucked you up didn’t they. I mean, they REALLY fucked you up.” I had to agree, he was actually right.
It is now as if a curtain has been drawn over my life. Behind the curtain is the life I once knew, and the person who once was, and here, in this new place beyond the curtain is a most different person. A person who is blind, who cannot walk meaning that she has to use a wheelchair (self propelled of COURSE – I HAVE to maintain SOME level of personal autonomy, even if I DO collide with many lamp posts!) A person who cannot dress or feed herself. Added to the blindness and inability to walk, is the peripheral polyneuropathy. I know – what the HELL is that? I asked the same question, and it is where the nerves of your body are affected, meaning that your motor nerves may no longer work, making it that you can no longer walk . Additionally, your hands become clumsy and unable to feel or grasp things, so you drop them. A bit perplexing when it is a glass of lemonade or something, as it usually is with me. I cannot even begin to count the number of times my lemonade has ended up on the floor! All for my poor husband to have to try and mop up. Not only are my hands clumsy in that way, but also, I try to send them one way, but they go another. This can be most disconcerting! I am constantly knocking things off my bedside cabinet! Then of course, my husband has to try and find everything! AND, to make matters even worse, my lungs have been badly damaged by the chemotherapy. So badly damaged in fact that upon going to the bathroom in a morning, I return to my bed gasping for breath. My oxygen levels will have fallen dangerously low, and all that I can do at that point is lie on the bed until things return to normal, which usually takes about a quarter of an hour. On a bad day it can be half an hour.
And so, yes, very definitely, for me, there was life before cancer and there is now life after cancer. I went from being a walker, cyclist, swimmer, and many more things, in a flash. Or so it seemed. When I took the chemotherapy, I had no idea at all that it would do this to me. No one told me about the possible effects of the chemotherapy, but to be honest, even if they had, I would probably have gone for it, because it was a case of either possibly living or, to put it starkly, dying. But I have to admit that I did not expect THIS. And by that, I mean this level of disability, added to which there is constant pain which actually exhausts me. And to be honest, I have to say that there are days when I do not want to live any more. I have days of deep, black depression. Days when I feel I can cope no longer.
In speaking of my husband, I have to say that he too is sick. But not to the same level as me. He has post polio syndrome, and he too is wheelchair bound, though he can walk on crutches occasionally. He falls regularly, however, which means that we have a very precarious existence. It is actually quite frightening. I have to try not to think about it or I would go mad. What is that thing about living in the present moment? Yes, well, easier said than done, but we have to try. So, despite him being my Carer ( a word which I utterly detest by the way, since he is my HUSBAND, which does or should denote caring, but it is an intimate and close relationship which CANNOT be defined in these clinical and sociological terms), he struggles with his own health too. Being diabetic also presents its own challenges.
How do we get through? How do we live life this side of the curtain? Well, I am going to try and give you a glimmer of what it is like in telling my story. And “glimmer” is a very apt word, because there IS light. Even on the darkest and the blackest of days, there IS a glimmer of light, even though it cannot always be seen. In fact, come to think of it, my life is really FLOODED with light. The darkness has a light all of its own. It is a dazzling darkness, and someone who wrote of this was called Gregory of Nyssa, and he wrote of this many many years ago. Over a thousand years ago actually. In fact, there are many treasures to be found in the darkness, and maybe I have not discovered them all yet.
And so, I tell my story. Draw up a chair.
My blog started life as a blog for poetry. I needed a place where I could air my poetry. A kind of platform if you like.
It has evolved into something else. I do sometimes post stories, challenges, and a few personal feelings and things. I feel now, that it was a wrong choice to post personal feelings. I maybe should just have stuck to poetry. I don’t know.
I write poetry that encompasses a whole range of human feelings and emotions. It may not be that I am feeling at any particular time, the emotion or feeling that the poem presents. Or it MAY be. I will probably have felt that emotion or reaction at some time or another. Otherwise I would not be able to write it.
I feel it important to write even the blacker and what some might call the more negative feelings, because many people share them. It makes a person feel less alone to see that someone else feels as they are feeling.
I am afraid that I CANNOT always be giving hop e. Though I try to.
My health is deteriorating so rapidly into something that makes me rather a non person. Like a baby. I need someone to feed me. I cannot do it myself. I need someone to dress me. I cannot do it myself.
I spend long hours in the darkness, on my bed, though we do try to go out in an afternoon, as you will see from my blog entries. I AM in constant bad physical pain though, and they are trying to find a pain killer for me that works without putting me to sleep. And so, here I am, spending many long hours alone on my bed, unable to see ANYTHING. I am cut off from the world and human society. The very basic thing that we need as human beings. Human contact. Human touch. It is what makes the world go around. We were built that way.
Yes, indeed, there are days when I do not want to go on living. Days when I simply cannot bear any more. Anyone who has been in, or who is in my shoes, would understand that. Yesterday was such a day. I would gladly have died. People DO get these kinds of feelings when in my condition.
I do not have an army of helpers around me, like most severely disabled people do. My husband is my Carer, and he too is in a wheelchair. He is sick as well. But we cope. Just about.
Our lives are often pure shit. And that jyst has to be accepted. There are others who feel the same about their lives.
However, on any given day, it may be that any poem that I post does NOT denote the way I am truly feeling at that moment.
I have been thinking of deleting my blog altogether. I am still not sure on that one yet. But I know there are those of you who really enjoy my blog. For those people, I might keep it going. Let us see what happens. I do try and lighten things by injecting humour into it. But let us see.
Morning of dreams
The sun shines
Night has gone
I embrace you
You are life
Death has departed
Streets of gold
Lined with hope
Call me today
Last night you and I
Talked of the eternal place
Deep within our hearts
In dreams I wander
There I can be anything
Free of this body
In dreams I wander
There I can be anything
Free of this body
I am fit to burst. Fit to knock somebody’s BLOCK off. Fit to put a hammer through the window.
Why?
Sick of the aloneness. Sick of hearing the words “social distancing.”
Oh it’s not that I don’t recognise the necessity for it, but Gawd, it makes you baulk.
We’ve all had enough. Well I have! I am beginning to feel that I don’t exist. No one to mirror anything back at me.
I think it was Lacan, the psychowhatsit bloke who followed Freud, who said that we only know who we are by the things that other people mirror back to us. I can see that one. A small child learns by how others mirror things back to her or him.
And talking of Freud. Although we were not meant to be, but somehow or other I have landed here – I hate bloody Freud! And what is more, I shouted this at my academic Supervisor at the University of Sheffield, some years ago, banging on the table, and that was swiftly followed by, “And I DON’T want a penis either.” For those of you that don’t know, Freud had this idea that women and little girls suffered from penis envy, meaning that they wanted one, and not having one was the cause of all their ills.
Yes well……. I am about as fed up with hearing the words “social distancing” as I am with hearing the words “penis envy.”
And thinking about the word “block,” have you seen that on June 1st. We are all going to have to use that bloody block editor whether we want to or not. Bah!
So that’s my rant for the day! Anyone else want to join in?
The wooden bridge
With mist rising
Invited me across
I knew not
What was beyond
I walked across
New worlds sang
Calling to me
In sweet tones
Peeling the orange
i find acid offerings
though tinged with sweetness.
https://pensitivity101.wordpress.com/2020/05/22/take-seven-22nd-may/
The AIR in here was putrid. She hated shopping, but she had to do it. She pulled on his reins to keep him in order. She never had liked kids much, but at least the third one was a BOY. She’d kept all the photographs and paraphernalia to do with the other two in the CHEST in the back room, as if to hide their existence. They were girls. But this one, he was CLEVER.
Jem had felt felt CONFUSED. What was it about her brother? She felt as though she didn’t even COUNT any more. Thinking philosophically about it she put it down to the luck of the DRAW. And she had been the unlucky one. Of course, her mother was always FALSE. Pretending to like children when she was out out or with relatives. Sometimes she wished she could just run away and go and live in a FIELD.
Music had always been her HOBBY. She’d taught herself it, starting when she was five. Even at that age she was quite the genius, though no one had particularly noticed because her parents were given over to fighting. It was a terrible JOB living with them. But Jem was LOYAL. She told no one. She’d been brought up to be loyal.
The meat MARKET this morning left a bit to be desired, with its stale air. But it was cheap. And the one thing that they were not was rich. Making do, to make ends meet had always been the order of the day. Next on the agenda was the bike shop. Joe needed a part for his rather ancient bike, but he feared that what he wanted was OBSOLETE. That was the way of things nowadays. No money for anything. Not even a decent bike. Sometimes he wondered if he ought to just let it go for SCRAP. Pam looked at the SCRIBBLE on the piece of paper where Joe had written down the name of the part that he wanted. She couldn’t pronounce it, but that might be due to Joe’s scrawly handwriting. Maybe the man at the bike shop would be able to read it and know what it was that Joe wanted.
Joe had never had much SKILL at anything. Except putting his fist through plate glass windows. He needed his SPACE, but being married had not given him that. He’d seen too much when he was in the Air Force during the war. Men coming back after a raid all shot up. That was what had made him like he was. Unstable. But marriage called for stability. And kids needed a father.
It was strange looking at his TOOLS in the rickety old shed. And all the bits of WOOD that he had collected. He was always going to build something with them. But every time he tried, nothing would WORK. Still, he had a son now. Maybe something good could come out of that.
Warm windy morning
Plant pots blowing all around
Waking up is hard
But I must get out of bed
For soon the gard’ner cometh
Dogs are
Marvellous though
Always hungry pinching
Human’s food getting fat like me
Love ‘em!
Twisty roads night sky
Trees silhouetted stately
The moon is rising
I hear the sweet sound
Of love in their songs
The sun is rising
I rise too
The day begins
When the daylight comes
Peeping in my window
My eyes flickering
My soul wakes
My heart beats
Slowly my eyes open to the morning
I rub away the memories of yesterday
The new day drops into my vision
I greet it with all that I have within me
I rub away the memories of yesterday
A blank page sits before me
I greet it with all that I have within me
What will my life write today?
A blank page sits before me
White unblemished stain free
What will my life write today?
All creation sits in my fingers
White unblemished stain free
Nothing to tarnish the life in my soul
All creation sits in my fingers
I hold it now with holy awe
Nothing to tarnish the life in my soul
Freedom fills the space that I made
I hold it now with holy awe
Ready to dwell in this sacred space
Freedom fills the space that I made
My wings have grown strong and soon I will fly
I hold them now with holy awe
Poised in anticipation of the flight
My wings have grown strong and soon I will fly
Though the world hangs heavy around my neck
Poised in anticipation of the flight
I break through the barriers make this new space
Though the world hangs heavy around my neck
I’m light as a dewdrop within my soul
Slowly my eyes open to the morning
I rub away the memories of yesterday
In the touching place
We find the sweetness of love
Filling aching hearts
Is this my last breath
I hear thunder in the sky
Are the clouds falling
The clock does not chime
But the rowan bears berries
And I too can bear
The fruits of my suffering
Held out in love to the world
In trust I’ll walk until I’m safely home
Holding an unseen hand that guides me through
The tangled web of life where demons roam
I once knew fear whilst groping in the gloom
I gave up hope not knowing what to do
In trust I ‘ll walk until I’m safely home
Rough paths I trod encased in death’s dark tomb
I knew not peace my friends were oh so few
In tangled web of life where demons roam
In earth’s dark night I surfaced from the womb
In travail deep my fears and sorrows grew
In trust I’ll walk until I’m safely home
I know there’s Love and that red roses bloom
Eternity will wait in morning dew
In trust I’ll walk until I’m safely home
Through tangled web of life where demons roam
Sheep graze in pastures green where water flows
The Valley of the Shadow cannot harm
A Banquet waits for me where lush grass grows
Here in this place I leave my earthly woes
Held firmly as I walk by Love’s right arm
Sheep graze in pastures green where water flows
Goodness and mercy now my poor heart knows
My head anointed now with heavenly balm
A Banquet waits for me where lush grass grows
No longer need I fear my earthly foes
No arrows need my spirit now alarm
Sheep graze in pastures green where water flows
I need not fear the dark the sky now glows
The healing waters now my spirit calm
Sheep graze in pastures green where water flows
A Banquet waits for me where lush grass grows
Sprouting willow tree
making a home for pigeons
one of them fell off
Take not this day you heart to danger’s shore
Whare rocks are lethal singing their sweet songs
For peril waits for you in its dark store
Its songs may lure you sounding oh so pure
Honeyed words put right all this world’s wrongs
Take not your heart this day to danger’s shore
Use all your wits to know what is the score
Entangle not your heart in smiling fronds
For peril waits for you in their dark store
Remember those who floundered here before
This cannot be where your true soul belongs
Take not your heart this day to danger’s shore
For peril waits for you in its dark store
Come
Fill me
With essence
Scented with joy
The sweet smell of love
Embrace of a lifetime
Fill me again and again
My body aches for your loving
The ecstasy of sweet union
Come, fill me over and over again
I found this this morning. It says it all.
“She’s 98. And the isolation and loneliness came over her in a river of tears at my visit. Not able to see her son or daughter for 6 weeks. She wants to die.Because at 98 the waiting is too much. I offered to FaceTime her son. She cried more. She wanted a real hug. I in my PPE said enough. I too bent over into her arms she wrapped so tight around me. I broke the rule. I hugged her till she could breathe. We both had a healing. I’d do it again. Love matters most. The older folks in long term care haven’t been touched or hugged. It’s causing failure to thrive. Hugs are a necessary part of living. “ – shared from a nurse
blindwilderness.wordpress.com 