“Dying is not extraneous to life; it is a part of the mystery, and we do not understand life until we stand under death.” —Richard Rohr
I read the above quote this morning, and for me, it was one of those “Aha” moments, where I “saw” everything as it really is. That quote was followed by a longer Article that put it exactly as it is, and that gave back to me the confidence that so many people, over the past couple of years or more, have succeeded in knocking out of me. These people are Conformists. People who are stuck in their ideas, who don’t want to move and rock the boat. People who want to hang onto their own religious ideas, and stay safe in the boat of conformity.
Seven years ago, I stood under death. At that time I “saw” like I have never seen before. It was an ecstatic moment. I received the Last Rites, and in that moment was the most joyful that I have ever been in my life. I and the person who did the Last Rites were both smiling, as she anointed me with oil for my journey.
In fact, as you will realise, I did not die. I am alive! Though “blessed” with blindness and an inability to walk, lung problems, and various other issues, I can “see” so much that I could never see before. I am living “on the edge,” and from this position “on the edge” i have purer sight.
I used to write from the standpoint of this purer sight, until the buffoons who have been in my life tried to do me down and make me conform to their ideas. I was always a rebel, and that remained part of me. But they didn’t like that. They just HAD to categorise me and suppress me. This led to all kinds of difficulties, as I was seen as a “case” for them to “help.” Well of course, that helped them far more than it helped me, because it boosted their egos and made them feel superior and good. Whilst I was branded as the one in need of “help.” Help to do WHAT? Yes, to conform. To be a good little girl and knuckle under.
In some ways they achieved their aims. I became submerged. Their power systems worked. But only to an extent. The real Lorraine was still there, fighting fit, despite crippling disabilities. But I became very very depressed at times, and unhappy. If ever I felt happy, they made sure that my happiness was taken away as they tried to impose their world, the world of the fit and healthy, and THEIR systems upon me. They did not talk my language and I did not talk theirs. This led, for me, to isolation. Then we got the pandemic, which led to an even greater isolation for, and within me. It got bad. Black days ensued. VERY black days.
But now, this morning, upon reading that Article, I realised my own strength and power and inner sight. It truly was an “Aha” moment.
I have spoken many times about writing a book. Sometimes I have thought it should be a book about my life, or an historical book about the little church that I go to, or my grandparents’ farm, but when I tried to write those books it did not work for long. But NOW, I am writing a book on disability, and particularly on blindness and the treasures contained therein. I have been writing it for a while now, and this one is NOT drying up. It is hard going. But this morning I got just the boost that I needed. The knowledge that I was okay. That my insights were correct and had value. The knowledge that however “on the edge” my ideas are, they have value, and more so than if I were living my life at the “centre.”
And so, to all the buffoons in my life, I say, “Get thee behind me.” They have no place in my life.
And to those who want to stay with me, I say, “Welcome to life on the edge. It’s great here.”