Yesterday was a day of fear for me. Fear that my cancer had taken off again, or that I had a new cancer. It is fairly common for the cancer that I originally had, to make you susceptible to other cancers.
I awoke feeling deathly and sickeningly cold. Yet the house was not cold. I also had a LOT of pain. It was quite early morning, and my husband was still asleep. The cold was just awful, and I knew that I needed to get warm, first and foremost, and then that I had to take some pain killers.
I attempted to find my warm fleecy dressing gown but, being blind and additionally having no feeling in my hands, I could not find it. Neither could I find anything else. I was stumbling blindly around the bedroom, but nothing came to hand. I was feeling sicker and sicker the longer this went on. I was becoming distraught.
I attempted to wake my husband up to help me, and I did manage to wake him up, but he would not help. It was an hour before he would get out of bed and find me something warm to put around me. Then, he finally got my pain killers for me.
This is what being totally dependent is like. No words can describe it. To be at the mercy of other people all the time is horrendous.
I became very afraid of the cancer. Had I developed a new cancer? Was this the old cancer back? I have felt crap for some time now.
This is always the biggest fear of someone who has already had cancer. Either it returning, or a new one starting up.
In this pandemic we cannot even see a doctor. We can speak to a doctor on the phone, but we can’t be examined or looked at. The most that I can do is ask my doctor if there are any other pain killers that I can take.
My frustration at being blind and wheelchair bound and dependent has reached an all time high. And yesterday the pandemic produced a deep depression in me. Will we ever be out of it? What is going to happen to our world? It is easy, when sick, to feel hopeless.
How is the pandemic affecting you?