Month: December 2020

MY AMAZING CHRISTMAS DAY

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Of late I have felt quite restricted in the way I write, and what I write. Part of me would love to just “let go” and “let it all hang out” but something stops me! As a result I have found my creativity beginning to get tired and fizzle out. I guess also that because it has been Christmas I have wanted to write more happy stuff (not sure whether I managed it or not).

However, I want to write here, a strange and wonderful experience that I had on Christmas Day.

As usual there was some serious family drama that we had to deal with. We had intended to go to the little church way out in the countryside, that is very isolated, just to find some peace. Christmas holds terrible memories for me, and so I just wanted to connect with something a bit different. We had planned no Christmas lunch or anything like that. All that we wanted was peace. We did not get it! Well, not immediately!

However, we did eventually attempt to set off for the little church late in the afternoon, with me feeling traumatised. The peace was very much needed. As we were driving along, however, I realised that actually it was too late to go. It would soon be dark.

I asked my husband to turn back, thinking about what the roads might get like very soon. I had no idea where to go then, as I did not want to go home. It still was a little bit light.

For some reason I decided that we might find peace in the crematorium grounds in our town. It is actually a very beautiful and peaceful place. You can hear the sounds of nature all around and, though I cannot see, I know that there are beautiful trees and bushes all around.

It was very strange when we got there. My husband stopped at the entrance to read the Notice telling us of the opening times, as we did not want to get locked in through not knowing when it was going to close. As we sat there on the threshold to the grounds, I suddenly felt something that was almost tangilbe. I felt as if we were e tering hallowed ground. I had NEVER felt that before whn going to the crematorium. But on this day I DID. And the line between ordinary lifeb, and what was over the threshold was clear. One side of the line was one thing, and the other side was another thing. It was weird!

We drove into the grounds of the crematorium, and the sky was just beginning to turn a beautiful rosy pink over on the horizon. We stopped for a while, and just rested. The oeace was just wonderful, after what had just experienced that afternoon.

After sitting for a few minutes, allowing ourselves to just experience this beautiful peace, I asked my husband f he would drive round to where my father had been scattered in 2001. In fact, he was scattered, with no member of the family or anyone else there, under a Lavateria bush. We felt this to be quite fitting, once we knew that, as he always used to call them Lavatory Trees, so we had a quiet chuckle to ourselves.

My husband duly set off, but then after a few minutes he announced,

“This is where your grandmother was scattered.”

I squealed, and begged him to stop. My grandmother loved me very greatly, and it was to her that I would go when things got tough at home. She was the love of my lufe as a child, and she gave me sanctuary many times.

We had known exactly where she had been scattered, but it had kind of slipped out of my mind and, of recent days, I had been going to sit in my home village to try and reconnect with her. I had sat at the lane end to the farm where I often went, remembering my days of walking up the lane with her at nught when it was dark, looking up at the stars and the vast night sky, and asking her where God was. But I gad never felt really, that I had “found” her there.

But suddenly, as my husband stopped the car, I had an amazing experience. That which had been lost was suddenly found. I had been looking in the wrong place. She was HERE. This was her final resting okace, under a tree, amidst the grass and whatcwill soon be daffodils.

Suddenly, as I sat, I felt she was aluve again and walking with me on the grass. She was smiling and happy, and young again. We were chatting together, and she was SO pretty. And the strangest thing of all was that I, too, was younger, and I was abke to SEE, and was without my wheelchair. I could WALK, and SEE. It was a mist beautiful experience.

I knew, on that day, that my beloved grandmother was not in some far distant village, but that she was HERE, just up the road from where I live, and that I can go and “see” her any time! I do not have to travel. She is here.

In the end, it was a most amazing Christmas Day. I WAS With family in the end, just as I have always wanted to be on Christmas Day but never have been.

So THAT was my most unconventional, but deeply moving, Christmas Day.

DISTANT WOODS

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One day the distant woods enfolded me
Wrapped within their sensual green I rested there
Alone apart from nature’s kiss
I talked with all who gathered there
Birds who sang in chorus proud
Rabbits running wild and free
Snakes a’slithering in the grass
Squirrels darting up the trees
Oh how blessedI was that day
That now seems oh so long ago
But in this time you wait for me
One day I will rest again you will enfold me
Once again

THE MEMORIES OF YESTERDAY

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Slowly my eyes open to the morning
I rub away the memories of yesterday
The new day drops into my vision
I greet it with all that I have within me

I rub away the memories of yesterday
A blank page sits before me
I greet it with all that I have within me
What will my life write today?

A blank page sits before me
White unblemished stain free
What will my life write today?
All creation sits in my fingers

White unblemished stain free
Nothing to tarnish the life in my soul
All creation sits in my fingers
I hold it now with holy awe

Nothing to tarnish the life in my soul
Freedom fills the space that I made
I hold it now with holy awe
Ready to dwell in this sacred space

Freedom fills the space that I made
My wings have grown strong and soon I will fly
I hold them now with holy awe
Poised in anticipation of the flight

My wings have grown strong and soon I will fly
Though the world hangs heavy around my neck
Poised in anticipation of the flight
I break through the barriers make this new space

Though the world hangs heavy around my neck
I’m light as a dewdrop within my soul
Slowly my eyes open to the morning
I rub away the memories of yesterday

I WALKED WITH YOU

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I walked with you today among the graves
Who says graves are not beautiful?
In them lie the most noble souls
And rascals too
Each with their own beauty
Underneath our feet the frozen grass
Crackling as we walk
Like the crackling flames of love
Do we ever forget to love
Our hearts dance in the frozen forest
To the tune of the Universe
Lithesome and free
Floating
Flowing
On the dancing breeze
Oh grave
Where is your victory?

GLOWING

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Not sure if I have posted this recently or not! Forgive me if I have! Head in a muddlemlol.

Glowing, against the dark sky,
Lights that warm our hearts
In the winter of our lives
Telling us that all is never lost
The shrivelled grey slowly dying
Rejuvenated
Plump with life again
We too can glow in darkness

FOR THOSE WHO DREAD CHRISTMAS (And anyone else who cares to read)

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For some people Christmas is a time of terror – and so it is for me. As the day draws nearer the fear and dread increases. It begins in November, and then goes right the way through to Christmas Day.

Some of us have terrible memories of Christmas, engendering a fear which others cannot understand. For some, just the hearing of the word “Christmas” produces paroxysms of fear. It may, for most people, be very difficult to understand this, but for those of you who are like me, you are not alone. I hope to be around on here on that dreaded day, so if anyone wants to connect, then please do so.

We will not be celebrating Christmas for the reasons given, and personally I will just be glad when things get back to normal again, whatever normal is right now.

2020 has been a dreadful year, and there will be people in here (wordPress) who are grieving the loss of loved ones, some, sadly, from Covid, or they may have experiebced a battle with Covid themselves. Some will have lost businesses, jobs, livelihoods, and so not everyone is going to be happy this Christmas. If this is you, then you have a safe place on my blog to express yourselves. You certainly will find an understanding ear.

I may not have put this into words very well, as the emotion of the moment renders me almost speechless, and as I write I am shaking with fear and my stomach is churning.

Please please feel free to say whatever you like or need to on my blog at any time over this period.
Lorraine

CRADLED

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A Poem For the Beaten and Abused Child, of which there are, and will be many, this Christmas:-

Cradled in the arms of the night
The child assaulted, beaten, torn
She rests from the arrows of the fight

Vulnerable, this her plight
Waiting fot the coming dawn
Cradled in the arms of the night

Many cannot bear the sight
Of pain in the one who thus was borne
She rests from the arrows of the fight

Everyone talks about the light
Not seeing the pain within her form
Cradled in the arms of the night

None can understand the fright
Of the one that is lying so forlorn
She rests from the arrows of the fight

Alone this being feels the might
Of evil’s grip, in the gathering storm
Cradled in the arms of the night
She rests from the arrows of the fight

NEW WORLD BECKONING

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Stable
You gave shelter
When there was no one there
Who would make room for a woman
With child
Today
There is still no room at the inn
For those untidy lives
That do not hit
The mark

Make room
For untidy
Ones who beg for mercy
For in truth they may be angels
Lighting
Your path
Angels do not always have wings
But tangled hair, no shoes,
Appearances
Deceive

Judge not
Those whom you see
Who do not look the same
As you, who walk the streets begging
One day
You too
May find yourself in that dark place
May there be a stable
To shelter you
Give warmth

The world
Is untidy
Littered with lives gone wrong
Upside down people challenging
The right
Way up
Ones who really are upside down
A new world of mercy
Beckons us all
Greet it

REACHING BEYOND

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I see the stars in the vast night sky
And wonder what there is beyond
I know I can reach them if I try
Nothing for me now is too high
I cannot let life pass me by
I do not need a magic wand
I see the stars in the vast night sky
And wonder what there is beyond

FOUNTAIN

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I WROTE THIS QUITE A WHILE AGO BUT THE FOUNTAIN HAS NOT BEEN GOING SINCE THE FIRST LOCKDOWN. IT IS VERY SAD.

The fountain leaps in the shopping mall,
As it sprays in the air I hear it sing,
I see white froth glisten in the bright sunlight
With my mind’s eye, now that I’ve lost my sight,
Its singing gaily invites me to dance,
While sitting here in my wheelchair.

I never expected to be in a wheelchair,
Unable to walk in the shopping mall,
But deep inside me still lives the dance,
As my spirit leaps high and begins to sing,
Life swells within though I have no sight,
And I dance in the warmth of the bright sunlight.

Oh how wonderful is the sunlight,
Shining down as I sit in my wheelchair,
No one can tell that I have no sight,
As they pass me by in the shopping mall,
For I know such joy, I can only sing,
My eyes shining bright in the gay sunlight.

I think I was born to the rhythm of dance,
For everything leaps when I feel the sunlight,
Deep down within me a new song I sing,
I can’t be confined by my wheelchair,
While everyone walks through the shopping mall,
Not knowing a life without sight.

I only can walk by faith, not by sight,
That gives me the power to dance,
The fountain of life’s in the shopping mall,
Leaping so high in the sunlight,
I can do anything as I sit in my wheelchair,
As all of creation starts to sing.

I know I was born to dance and sing,
It matters not that I’ve lost my sight,
Or that I can only live in my wheelchair,
Come join with me in life’s glorious dance,
In the bright rays of the sunlight,
Shining today in the shopping mall.

In the shopping mall I have no sight,
But all I can do is sing as I dance,
The sunlight falling on my wheekchair.

BURN ON

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Burn on
My flame my light
In deepest dark burn on
Hidden in the secret place
Where no one treads or sees
Burn on though all is lost
I search for you
I yearn for you
Though swallowed up
By darkest holes
Burn on
Take me back to your shining
Oh take me back
Singe my heart
My dying heart
And bring me back to life
Burn now pure flame
Burn on
Through loss and grief
And body’s pain
And guide me through the dark

THE DAWNING

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Watching the days go by, waiting
Daylight plays on frosted windows
Now is the coldest part of the year
The night owl calls from the trees
Letting me know I am not alone
Darkness comes before the dawning

Though I am blind I see light dawning
Much of my time is spent in waiting
Both in light and in dark I am never alone
Sounds of life come through the windows
Birds are gathering in the trees
Now it is almost the end of the year

I say Goodbye to the passing year
Soon there will be a new year dawning
Leaves will come again on the trees
This is just a time of waiting
I am glad of the light coming through the windows
Even the dead are not alone

In dying we say we are alone
None of us knows the day nor the year
Does the beyond have any windows
Is it really a time of dawning
Questions come within the waiting
Whilst the birds fubd a home in the trees

I remember when I hid in the trees
As a child when I was so alone
In the dark I was waiting waiting
Whatever was the time of the year
One day I thought there would be a dawning
In the mornings I stared through the windows

In life there always are some windows
And always the birds sing in the trees
Always there will be a time of dawning
Though often we may feel alone
Who knows what will come with each new year
May hope stay alive in the waiting

Looking through the windows waiting
Alone whilst the birds sing their songs in the trees
Soon there will be a new year dawning

HEATING SYSTEM AND OVEN PACKED IN, Ho Ho Ho!

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Well, we will be spending Christmas without an oven and without heating!

Our oven packed in a couple or so weeks ago and is unmendable. It fused all the lights one evening and we were in darkness!

Then, a couple of days ago our central heating packed in! We had the gas fitter/plumber yesterday and that is unmendable too!

It is going to be a rather different Christmas for us all round. But we will survive. We always do!

THE CONSENT FORM

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“Sit up,” she said
It was an order
But how could I?
There I was, laid on the sofa
Studying the ceiling had become my chief occupation
My body so weak I could hardly sit up
But she insisted
“Sit up,”
“Have you been constipated?” she had asked
As she examined my lower abdomen
“No, exactly the opposite,” I had said
My antennae were wobbling about
Thinking they had detected something
What had she felt in my abdomen?
If I was honest
My abdomen had not been quite right
Not for some time
But I didn’t want to think about that
“Sit up,” she commanded
What did she want me to sit up for?
I obeyed
And immediately fell into
The hugest retching coughing fit ever
“You’ve got a cough,” she said
“Great observation,” I thought
“It’s O.K.” I said
It’s nothing”
“It’s quite a deep one,” she said
With a look of concern
I continued to cough and retch
She continued to be concerned
“You smell nice,” I said to her
“What have you got on?”
“I have no idea what I have got on,” she said
Her clothes were beautiful
She kept covering up her long black hair
Then the covering slipped revealing her flowing hair again
She was close to me
Very close
I felt her anxiety and worry
It closed around me, suffocating almost
“You need to go to the hospital,” she said
My mind was in denial
“It’s just a cough,” I said
She felt the lumps around my neck again
“You need these lumps looking at
It’s probably only an infection
We need to get you the right antibiotics”
I relaxed, laid back and studied the ceiling again
The embossed pattern on the sofa made my skin itch again
My spots were oozing blood
“Just an allergy,” I said
But inside I knew something serious was going on
I pushed the thought away
“I’ll make an urgent referral,” she said
What?
Now I really WAS worried
Inside my mind I wasn’t going
It was just an allergy
She left
I studied the ceiling again
Not much had changed
It was still the same
Same colour
Same cracks
I began to writhe in agony
My skin was itching, crawling, on fire
“Quick, get water,” I said to my husband
“Put it on my skin “
He did
But my skin was alive
Leading a life of its own
I hadn’t signed the consent form
And neither did I sign the consent form for cancer
But I had it

Fandango’s Friday Flashback

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Fandango’s Flashback Friday — December 18

I hear
Birds call in trees
I once could see, water
Running beside me, maybe soon
I will
Run too
The lark rises into the sky
Her breast to the sun, sings
Her sweet song, hope
Rises

Maybe
One day I too
Will rise, face the sun, sing
A song of triumph, sorrow gone,
Tears wiped
Away
The sun calls me like the birds, shines
In my heart, warming me,
Do you see it?
Look now

TODAY SHE RAN OUT OF INK

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Today she ran out of ink
Her well had dried up
Her hand lay limp at her side
Just like the brain in her head
Who was going to fill her well?
Her gaze hit the floor

Her dreams lay on the floor
Pictures not drawn in ink
Her life had not gone well
How could those dreams rise up?
What could she do with her head
Put everything aside?

She had nothing left inside
But plenty on the floor
Looking up at her head
Thirsty for some ink
Didn’t the devil do well?
How could the fragments get up?

Something told her she had to buck up
Lift her hand up from her side
Take a drink from the well
Picking things up from the floor
Riding on the fountain’s head
Ready to write in ink

Things have to be written ink
In letters that stand up
Words not just from the head
But from the heart that beats inside
Refreshed by the drink from the well
Rising up from the floor

Now there is nothing on the floor
Not even spilled ink
Magical was the well
Lifting her spirits up
Now she’s back on the right side
Everything’s right in her head

The fountain’s head gives life to the ink
That once was on the floor looking up
At the hand lying limp at her side unaware of the well

DID YOU REALLY GO

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Did you really go that cold dark night
It felt impossible to me yet it was true
The blanket that was black should have been white

You felt the dark was near you wanted light
Each morning as you woke the curtains drew
Did you really go that cold dark night

As time went on you seemed to lose your sight
We sat with you one time the whole night through
The blanket that was black should have been white

Sometimes it seemed so hard to not take fright
The time for death’s approach that week close grew
Did you really go that cold dark night

You laid there on your bed I held you tight
I wondered just how much you really knew
The blanket that was black should have been white

Soon soon your breathing changed you took your flight
Your hand that I had held turned deathly blue
Did you really go that cold dark night
The blanket that was black should have been white

WHEN NIGHT IS GONE

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When night is gone the dark gives way to light
And day is lit by radiance from the sun
And those in blindness see with inner sight

Dark fears in daylight rise and take their flight
And spirits that once died begin to run
When night is gone the dark gives way to light

New light surrounds the blinded in their plight
And they see wonders sadness now is gone
Those in blindness see with inner sight

Who is to say who’s wrong who is right
For each sees differently when all is done
When night is gone the dark gives way to light

A vision dawns in hearts that once did fight
With sorrow lying heavy for so long
Those in blindness see with inner sight

Souls bathe in light that from the dark shines white
And from deep pain a healing now has come
When night is gone the dark gives way to light
And day is lit by radiance from the sun

THE DARKEST NIGHT

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INSPIRED BY ST. JOHN OF THE CROSS

I went out into the dark night
Leaving behind my peaceful home
While all was resting
I ventured into the undergrowth of my life
Got stuck in tangled weeds
Fell into darkest lakes
Where almost did I drown
I cried in fear
For a hand to save me
A warm blanket to cover me
But now there was no turning back
The path had become indistinct
There was no hand to guide and comfort me
I wandered in the darkness
Amongst the weeds
Looking for the glory
In this darkest night
I looked up to the sky
There were no stars
In this blackest night
The moon was cut into four
In the middle
A black cross
And then I heard you calling
My Beloved
I felt your hand upon my head
And the softness of your caress
And then I knew
That in this darkness I must live
This glowing dark
Illuminated by your love

TEND NOT TO THE DARKNESS

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Tend not to the darkness within your soul,
Except in as much to know that it is light,
Do not let this darkness take you from your goal

It seems that oh so many afflictions roll,
Descend on you, pleasures take their flight,
Tend not to the darkness within your soul

Darkest nights that assail you take their toll,
The pain you know so well begins to bite,
Do not let this darkness take you from your goal

Do not see the part, but know the whole,
That even darkness to your God is bright,
Tend not to the darkness within your soul

Within this state the dark your pleasures stole,
Never had you been in such a plight,
Do not let this darkness take you from your goal

Soon will come a time that ends your toil,
The prize you aimed for then will be in sight,
Tend not to the darkness within your soul
Do not let this darkness take you from your goal

RISING

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I hear
Birds call in trees
I once could see, water
Running beside me, maybe soon
I will
Run too
The lark rises into the sky
Her breast to the sun, sings
Her sweet song, hope
Rises

Maybe
One day I too
Will rise, face the sun, sing
A song of triumph, sorrow gone,
Tears wiped
Away
The sun calls me like the birds, shines
In my heart, warming me,
Do you see it?
Look now

BREAKING OUT

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Last night you tried to cage me in
Put prison bars around me
Define me as you wanted to
I don’t live in boxes

Put prison bars around me
I will break them all
I don’t live in boxes
Defy your definitions

I will break them all
Smash them on the ground in pieces
Defy your definitions
You cannot bind my soul

Smash them on the ground
Watch me rise from bondage
You cannot bind my soul
For I know how to fly

Watch me rise from bondage
Strong wings bearing me
For I know how to fly
Last night you tried to cage me in