Month: February 2021

MUSINGS

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Some say that I am lucky to be alive. Some days I feel that, and other days, I don’t. So may people try to tell the cancer sufferer what they should do, feel, or think. For some years now, I have attempted to live up to what others expected of me. Those others were people who had never suffered from cancer and its after effects. Some of them were doctors, physiotherapists. Or just ordinary people like you might meet every day. Just as as I felt the pressure to be a certain way when I was diagnosed with cancer, I still am expected to be a certain way now. However, after suffering so much from other people’s demands, and judgements of me, I have finally come to the conclusion that I can only be me. Only I have to bear and live with what I have been presented with, and only I can decide how I deal with it. I guess we all suffer, in various ways, from the pressure to be as other people want us to be. I think that, to some extent or other, we all bow to what society wants of us. This may be totally unconsciously. When are we ever truly our unadulterated selves?

As someone who used to have a faith of sorts, have suffered from the pressure to be as a Christian should be in the face of what I am going through. But what does that actually mean. For me, t has been nothing but oppressive, and I have to say that I can only be me as far as is possible. I therefore throw off all definitions as concocted by others. Only I can define who and what I am, or am not, and that will change over time. For life is a journey, and none of us is fixed. We have to move along with the journey and go wherever the journey takes us. We have to learn to live not with certainty, but with questions and uncertainty.

I for one will never be fixed, or defined. And in a way that is the beauty of life lived in freedom. And who of us does not want to be free?

Sent from my iPad

PREFACE TO MY BOOK

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As some of you know, I have not been quite as present on my blog as I used to be as I am busy writing a book. Having written a few chapters, I now would like to post the Preface, which I wrote this morning, so here it is:

They say that cancer changes you, and that is a very true statement, as I was to discover in the Spring of 2013. On a beautiful Spring day full of light, darkness fell on my life. I had known many darknesses before in my life, but this was to be the deepest and most abiding one that I had ever known. On that day I was told that I had a very serious and advanced cancer. When the haematologist told me, I asked if I would die, and he replied that he did not know. His demeanour and his words and actions following that, however, indicated that he thought that I would. Later, I was to discover that I was thought to be about three weeks from death. I had massive tumours all over my body, some of them in critical places. My cancer was treated, and I did not die, but I was left blind, wheelchair bound for most of the time, and with no feeling in my hands and feet. The darkness that descended upon my life that day became an actual physical darkness, and now, I struggle to do anything at all, yet prior to having cancer, I was an active 63 year old, who loved life and celebrated it in every way possible. Now, I am, though in remission, in constant pain. Wheelchair bound for most of the time, and totally dependent upon others for my existence.

Yes, in my case it is certainly true that cancer changes you. From that very first day when I was told that I had cancer, I had to try and find a way through the darkness that descended. I would say that in a way, I am still doing that, as each day takes its toll on me and drains me of my energies.

No one knows exactly what the future is for me, but this is my account of the journey so fat. I felt the need to tell my story, and so that is what I am unashamedly doing. I intend to be as candid and honest as possible. Here, you will find no slushy sentimental account, but just the plain truth. It probably is not a book to be actually enjoyed, but I hope that it at least makes those who are going through similar things feel less alone. Somehow or other, we will all get through this together.

FEBRUARY 2021

PERHAPS

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A REPOST

Perhaps soon these days will pass
Days of grey fading into dark
Then the waiting will be done
Fate will be accomplished

Days of grey fading into dark
A different way I then will live
Fate will be accomplished
I wait in limbo for this time

A different way I then will live
A foreigner in this land
I wait in limbo for this time
Whiling away my days

A foreigner in this land
No signposts there I’ll find
Whiling away my days
Waiting for time to pass

No signposts there will I find
Just memories that fade
Waiting for time to pass
Colours now all gone

Just memories that fade
Are my companions now
Colours now all gone
Perhaps soon these days will pass

FANDANGO’S FRIDAY FLASHBACK

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The day was clear and warm was the sun
A half baked plan began to take shape
For so many days we’d filled our minds
With thoughts of joining the booted throng
The mountain called with joyful voice
We vowed one day we would reach the top

We’d pitched our tent right at the top
Of a hill lit up each day by the sun
The cows and sheep were in good voice
We looked in awe at the mountain’s shape
We mingled with the bright coated throng
With mountain climbing on our minds

We’d come to this place with much on our minds
We’d never thought of the mountain top
Until we were drawn by the growing throng
Taking their chance in the baking sun
We knew we were not really in good shape
But still we kept hearing the mountain’s voice

We’d never before heard this ringing voice
With so many problems filling our minds
Our lives had taken on such a strange shape
And now we were called by the mountain top
We lost our heads in the summer sun
And joined with glee the booted throng

We cast our lot with the booted throng
Gave in to the mountain’s insistent voice
Our bodies bathed in the morning sun
Putting all inhibitions out of our minds
We kept our focus on the top
As our eyes beheld its rugged shape

The ones around us were in good shape
But they were such a merry throng
We knew in time we would reach the top
As we climbed we kept listening to the voice
We now had nothing else on our minds
We reached the top in the evening sun

From the mountain’s shape we heard its voice
In the sun we joined the merry throng
Our minds made up we reached the top

DISTANT WOODS

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One day the distant woods enfolded me
Wrapped within their sensual green I rested there
Alone apart from nature’s kiss
I talked with all who gathered there
Birds who sang in chorus proud
Rabbits running wild and free
Snakes a’slithering in the grass
Squirrels darting up the trees
Oh how blessedI was that day
That now seems oh so long ago
But in this time you wait for me
One day I will rest again you will enfold me
Once again

I WAS YOUR DAUGHTER

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I was your daughter perfectly dressed
Hiding behind the skirts of your world
Coming out at your decree
To fool the world relentlessly
You made me your clone and all admired
The child that they saw who sang and danced
Inside her head the child knew the truth
A truth too awful to speak
Silent tears fell from her eyes
With no one to see the grief in her heart
The child caught up in the mother’s charade
Aching to speak yet donning a smile
The chains broke one day she ran so fast
Faster and faster gathering speed
A whirlwind of freedom carried her on
Laughing and singing through a fear filled heart
Yes, I was your daughter and now you have gone
Can you see me dancing from where you are now
No chains can bind me ever again
I am who I am and that is me

HOPE’S BIRTHDAY

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It is Hope’s birthday today. She is four years old today and she is still like a puppy. Sadly she is on a diet at the moment on the instruction of the vet! She became rather addicted to meaty chews. And my husband became rather addicted to giving them to her and now the vet informs us that she is quite overweight! So she has not been able to have a treat on her birthday except extra hugs! I am not too sure that she is very pleased!

VISITOR

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The other day I was lying in bed and suddenly a huge thing landed on mel. Not being able to see, and half dozing, I jumped, wondering what on earth it was. Whatever it was it was LARGE. Ut turned out to be Hope, my doggy, who does not normally come upstairs, but suddenly took it into her headbto do so!

Hope
Jumped up
With full force
Drawing me in
To a world of joy
Creeping up to my neck
Caressing my face laughing
Soon my ears began to tickle
And I was enveloped in pure love
Smothered in kisses from a lolling tongue

SANCTUARY

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THIS POEM IS ABOUT SANCTUARY AND IT MAY BE AN ACTUAL PLACE OR A PLACE IN OUR HEARTS

Sanctuary light
You tell me all is well
That here dwells my Beloved
To this place I am called
Here is where I leave my heart
Here on the Altar of Sacrifice
Here I where I offer myself
Our wills become one
Here is where suffering is turned to joy
Here is where consolation lives
Oh Sanctuary light
None can put you out
Here darkness is as light
And I am blinded by Your love
But oh what sweet blinding
Here is where mercy flows
And the light is never quenched

ON THE HILL

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I, on the hill waiting for you
You, on the hill, waiting there too
How many years have passed since I left
At our sad parting I felt so bereft
So many things have we both been through

Tears fall gently in morning dew
Is there a storm beginning to brew
Now come together the warp and the weft
I, on the hill

Oh such a puzzle there is no clue
As to why we parted when skies were blue
Oh how tragic this terrible theft
Of Love that was born in a rock’s hard cleft
Now there is silence, a waiting it’s true
I, on the hillR

TAKE SEVEN

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https://pensitivity101.wordpress.com/2021/02/19/take-seven-19th-february/

She was about to INHERIT rather a lot of money. Not that there had ever been a BOND between her and her mother. For that was who she was to inherit the money from. It was strange. Part of her wanted the money – itcwould help her quite a lot at the moment – and part if her didn’t. Yet she would have felt CHEATED if she had not got any ofbthe money, as her mother had ubdicated would bevtge case. In the end, she died having made a will, but never having signed it. Having gone to Probate, everything was about to be CLOSED off.

Sally would be quite COMFORTABLE in a cew week’s time. Her mother had now been DEAD for over a year, abd she hadbjust about got used to the idea of her being dead. Her emotions, however, werexquite CONFUSING. Now, everything was happening almost by DEFAULT. Sometimes Sally felt that life was going to be EASY nowvthat thecwicked witch was out of her life, but sometimes her feelings were IMPOSSIBLE to understand.

In thinking about things, Sally hsd no idea at all where she would put the money. Nothing was making any INTEREST nowadays. Sally was quite INQUISITIVE though, as to what might be offered her if she shopped around a bit. It was quite a large sum of money to be dealing with.

Although Sally had a brother and a sister, she had never felt that they were really KIN. I deed, ger motger had made it that way. Sally was not married but often she had felt like taking a LOVER, as she didn’t really want commitment. That was something else that her motger hadcdone to her. In a way she was really quite a distant person, not wanting close involvement with anybody. Now wasvthe time, however, when REALITY was beginning to hit her. And she was feelibg uncomfortable in her SKIN. But the one thing that her mother had never been able to touch was her SOUL. Deep deep inside her there was something TENDER. She loved to TOUCH the petals of a rose, and to deel a WISP of hair on her cheek in the early morning breeze. Yes, despite all, she was quite a child of nature.

FOWC

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Y
FOWC with Fandango — Superior
She gave off an air of being SUPERIOR. Ways right. Intolerant of anyone whom she deemed stupid. It was quite a common experience to get ashed by her to gue and made to deel small.

Then, one night she was on the phone yelling,

“Get me fags. Get me fags.” We, Joan and Geoff that is, tried to explain to her hat there was nowhere open to get her fags from. But she insisted.

“Get me fags. Gat mevfags.”

She was becoming more and more aggressive, and we ended up putting the phone down on her.

The next morning we heard. She had been taken to the police station and gad spent a night in the cells for throwing a television out of a window from a great height.

“So that’s what being superior gets you,’ remarked Geoff.

“Hmmm,” said Joan. “Wonder what she’ll do next.”

AN UPDATE

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It is now almost eight years since I was told I had cancer. It turned out to be a cancer that rocked my whole body. A blood cancer, that is known to produce multiple large tumours, and indeed, it did! Massive ones, in very critical places. When my cancer was discovered, as many of you know, I was actually at death’s door and not expected to live. However, I did, and am still hers e, alive and kicking. The problem s, though, as many of you know, that it left me blind (something that has happened gradually over the last seven years,) unable to walk so in a wheelchair most of the times , with peripheral polyneuropathy (yes I Know, I can hardly say it either!) which means that I have no feeling in my hands,feet, and parts of my face and mouth, muscles that have died, affecting my skeleton and thus causing much pain that is sometimes intolerable, and lung and heart problems. My oxygen levels are always low, and even just going to the bathroom and back has me gasping for air.

If you were to meet me, you would never really know these things. I have been called a comedian, strong, a fighter, and all sorts of things. Mostly, I have a smile on my face, and I am a very lively character.

But just lately I have been finding everything more of a struggle. It is so much harder to live and survive. I come to my iPad first thing in a morning, often to tae my mind off the pain I am in, but find that everything is just unreadable, as my blibdness has increased, and typing has become much more difficult. Never mind trying to navigate WorsPress!!!

So far, I am just managing, but my fear is that soon, I will not be able to manage at all, and thus lose my community here,cand my only connection with the world and people. I fear this very much.

Writing is everything to me. It is the only thing I can still do. To lose this will be like losing my life. It is my lifelblood.

So this is my update on my present state.

I know that there are many blind people on WordPress, but I have been unable to get the help and teaching that I need to manipulate my iPad as a blind person. I have attempted to find help but so far have not managed it. The RNIB tells me it has no volunteers in our area, and travel is impossible for me. So I feel well and truly stymied!

Some days I do become very depressed as life seems to slip away from me. Mostly, I do manage to get out in an afternoon for a drive in my beloved countryside. But some days I don’t manage it if I don’t feel well enough.

I am really giving you an update, but also if there is anyone out there who can help me learn to use my iPad as a blind person, please please contact me.

Despite everything, I AM bust writing my book, like I said Icwould. At the moment, I think the title will be “Through My Eyes,” but not shre yet.

So, the other thing I have to say is that ALL of your wobderful comments are SO appreciated, and I read them all, but if I don’t always get right back to you, please forgive me. I LOVE the interaction that respinding to you often facilitates, but I am finding it more and more difficult.

So, in the meantime folks, TRY and keep smiling, though I know it is often hard. Much love to everuone xxx

SURRENDERING

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THIS IS AN OLD POEM. I USED TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS BUT I AM FINDING IT HARDER TO DO NOW. SURRENDERING IS GETTING HARDER AS MY BODY AND LIFE DETERIORATES MORE AND MORE

Surrendering to the darkness I sit,
Letting its arms wrap around me, rock me,
For by no other is my dark life lit,
Only in the dark can I truly see,
Waves of peace wash over my aching soul,
Soothing, calming my ever raging storm,
For I have tried so long to reach a goal
Not of my own making, how I was torn,
I knew that in the dark there was more light,
For in the dark I see with different eyes,
The eyes that walk by faith and not by sight,
And in the darkness now my spirits rise,
The light deceives false comfort offers me,
Embracing dark I can be truly free.

LOCKED DOOR

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For the last time
We draw up outside your door
Knowing you will not answer
I look at the familiar scene
And remember when life was different
When she was still alive

I am no longer alive
It soon will be my time
For me it will be different
As I push on death’s hard door
I imagine a different scene
But still you will not answer

There never was an answer
In the years I have been alive
I have seen many a scene
Now they are lost in time
That hasn’t got a door
Each of them quite different

Life for all is different
No one has the answer
Though each has been through a door
Knowing they are alive
Despite the passage of time
And the changing of the scene

There is many a beautiful scene
The colours all are different
Faded perhaps with time
Exactly like the answer
Are we really alive
I push again on the door

It is now a locked door
I cannot see the scene
Are you still alive
We both are very different
I know you will not answer
I am in the hands of time

Each time a sadder scene
So different awaits me at your door
Are you still alive do I hear you answer

FOREST

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THE PAST TWO DAYS WE HAVE DRIVEN THROUGH THE FOREST NEAR TO WHERE I LIVE AND IT WAS COVERED IN SNOW, IY FELT BEAUTIFUL, THOUGH I COULD NOT SEE IT. I LOVE THAT FOREST AND I HAVE SO MNT HAPPY MEMORIES OF IT. HERE IS AN OLD POEM OF MINE tHAT IS AN ATTEMPT TO PUT INTO WORDS ITS BEAUTY AND WHAT I FEEL ABOUUT IT.

Forest
Your darkness holds
All that I am, have known
Hiding in you I am safe, held
Spellbound,
Magic
Plays joyfully, dancing, twirling,
Until I am dizzy,
Lost in your world
Entranced

3TC

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https://pensitivity101.wordpress.com/2021/02/12/three-things-challenge-507/

Terri held the envelope in trembling hands. She knew what it was. Her exam results. Tremblingly, for she knew what would be inside. She had made a decision months ago. She was not even going to try any more. She had had enough of sitting isolated in sick rooms doing exams, even though she had always had the top results in the class. No, she could not do it any more. So she knew what the result inside the envelope would be.

Yes – there it was. She had FAILED every single subject.

She went out into the STREET and breathed fresh air. She knew exactly what this would mean for her. But in a way she didn’t care. Except that she had let people down. She imagined her grandmother’s reaction. The one who had supported her throughout her life, and suddenly she had to go back in, and cry her tears in PRIVATE.

PLOUGHING

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FEBRUARY 3, 2017 POEMS, UNCATEGORIZED LEAVE A COMMENT
Ploughing through the winter’s cold
I remember better days
When ploughing was preparation
Not the slog of winter

I remember better days
The promise of fruition
Not the slog of winter
A harvest field of gold

The promise of fruition
Hard ploughing a delight
A harvest of pure gold
Drew me ever on

Hard ploughing a delight
New seeds soon to be sown
Drew me ever on
To taste the fullness of future time

New seeds to be sown
Indwelling them was life
To taste the future time
I worked hard at the plough

Indwelling them was life
My heart felt new life too
I worked hard at the plough
My work was not in vain

My heart felt new life too
A fluttering within
My work was not in vain
Ploughing through winter’s cold

A BIG THANKYOU

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I just want to say a Big Thankyou to all of you for your lovely, kind comments on my poems and other posts. It is all of you who have kept me going through some very hard times that I have been going through lately. Often, it is you who have picked me up, just with your kind comments, when no one else could, and this life was so shitty.

That’s all I want to say really. Thankyou to you all. Much love to you all too.

WOTD. Palliate

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https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2021/02/09/your-daily-word-prompt-palliate-ydwordprompt-february-9-2021/
Nothing could ever PALLIATE her. What had she turned into? Her children wondered.

“I’m a grown man with employees, i speak at Coferences, yet I am terrified of her,” Pete said.

“Me too,” said Sadie.

Neither of them could understand how it had come to be this way. She was just a little, wizened old woman, but she had a heart that was on fire. Hearing her shout was like hearing a demon from the underworld.

The night she died all of heaven seemed to be screaming. Sadie stood looking at her dead mother’s face. The eyes were still open – and a tear formed and rolled onto her cheek. In life she never cried, but in death, did she reveal her true self?

Sent from my iPad

HAIBUN

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We arrived in the Spring, and the path had been levelled. It had been two years since we had been in that beloved place. Then, the path was rough, just like the journey I had been on. I had always wanted to climb Everest, and during these last two years I had been told that this was my Everest. It felt like much more than climbing Everest. It felt like climbing multiple Everests. I forgot about this beloved place during that time. It was erased from my memory as my world became taken up with hospitals and chemotherapy. And dying – for I received the Last Rites. I lived! And now I had to come to my beloved place, to re-unite with Her who was inside. It was with great joy that we discovered that the path into the ancient stone building had been levelled. The journey in would be easy. I had climbed my Everests, and now I was here.

The journey was long
I forgot my Beloved
Waiting long for me