MUSINGS

Some say that I am lucky to be alive. Some days I feel that, and other days, I don’t. So may people try to tell the cancer sufferer what they should do, feel, or think. For some years now, I have attempted to live up to what others expected of me. Those others were people who had never suffered from cancer and its after effects. Some of them were doctors, physiotherapists. Or just ordinary people like you might meet every day. Just as as I felt the pressure to be a certain way when I was diagnosed with cancer, I still am expected to be a certain way now. However, after suffering so much from other people’s demands, and judgements of me, I have finally come to the conclusion that I can only be me. Only I have to bear and live with what I have been presented with, and only I can decide how I deal with it. I guess we all suffer, in various ways, from the pressure to be as other people want us to be. I think that, to some extent or other, we all bow to what society wants of us. This may be totally unconsciously. When are we ever truly our unadulterated selves?

As someone who used to have a faith of sorts, have suffered from the pressure to be as a Christian should be in the face of what I am going through. But what does that actually mean. For me, t has been nothing but oppressive, and I have to say that I can only be me as far as is possible. I therefore throw off all definitions as concocted by others. Only I can define who and what I am, or am not, and that will change over time. For life is a journey, and none of us is fixed. We have to move along with the journey and go wherever the journey takes us. We have to learn to live not with certainty, but with questions and uncertainty.

I for one will never be fixed, or defined. And in a way that is the beauty of life lived in freedom. And who of us does not want to be free?

Sent from my iPad

PREFACE TO MY BOOK

As some of you know, I have not been quite as present on my blog as I used to be as I am busy writing a book. Having written a few chapters, I now would like to post the Preface, which I wrote this morning, so here it is:

They say that cancer changes you, and that is a very true statement, as I was to discover in the Spring of 2013. On a beautiful Spring day full of light, darkness fell on my life. I had known many darknesses before in my life, but this was to be the deepest and most abiding one that I had ever known. On that day I was told that I had a very serious and advanced cancer. When the haematologist told me, I asked if I would die, and he replied that he did not know. His demeanour and his words and actions following that, however, indicated that he thought that I would. Later, I was to discover that I was thought to be about three weeks from death. I had massive tumours all over my body, some of them in critical places. My cancer was treated, and I did not die, but I was left blind, wheelchair bound for most of the time, and with no feeling in my hands and feet. The darkness that descended upon my life that day became an actual physical darkness, and now, I struggle to do anything at all, yet prior to having cancer, I was an active 63 year old, who loved life and celebrated it in every way possible. Now, I am, though in remission, in constant pain. Wheelchair bound for most of the time, and totally dependent upon others for my existence.

Yes, in my case it is certainly true that cancer changes you. From that very first day when I was told that I had cancer, I had to try and find a way through the darkness that descended. I would say that in a way, I am still doing that, as each day takes its toll on me and drains me of my energies.

No one knows exactly what the future is for me, but this is my account of the journey so fat. I felt the need to tell my story, and so that is what I am unashamedly doing. I intend to be as candid and honest as possible. Here, you will find no slushy sentimental account, but just the plain truth. It probably is not a book to be actually enjoyed, but I hope that it at least makes those who are going through similar things feel less alone. Somehow or other, we will all get through this together.

FEBRUARY 2021

PERHAPS

A REPOST

Perhaps soon these days will pass
Days of grey fading into dark
Then the waiting will be done
Fate will be accomplished

Days of grey fading into dark
A different way I then will live
Fate will be accomplished
I wait in limbo for this time

A different way I then will live
A foreigner in this land
I wait in limbo for this time
Whiling away my days

A foreigner in this land
No signposts there I’ll find
Whiling away my days
Waiting for time to pass

No signposts there will I find
Just memories that fade
Waiting for time to pass
Colours now all gone

Just memories that fade
Are my companions now
Colours now all gone
Perhaps soon these days will pass