Some say that I am lucky to be alive. Some days I feel that, and other days, I don’t. So may people try to tell the cancer sufferer what they should do, feel, or think. For some years now, I have attempted to live up to what others expected of me. Those others were people who had never suffered from cancer and its after effects. Some of them were doctors, physiotherapists. Or just ordinary people like you might meet every day. Just as as I felt the pressure to be a certain way when I was diagnosed with cancer, I still am expected to be a certain way now. However, after suffering so much from other people’s demands, and judgements of me, I have finally come to the conclusion that I can only be me. Only I have to bear and live with what I have been presented with, and only I can decide how I deal with it. I guess we all suffer, in various ways, from the pressure to be as other people want us to be. I think that, to some extent or other, we all bow to what society wants of us. This may be totally unconsciously. When are we ever truly our unadulterated selves?
As someone who used to have a faith of sorts, have suffered from the pressure to be as a Christian should be in the face of what I am going through. But what does that actually mean. For me, t has been nothing but oppressive, and I have to say that I can only be me as far as is possible. I therefore throw off all definitions as concocted by others. Only I can define who and what I am, or am not, and that will change over time. For life is a journey, and none of us is fixed. We have to move along with the journey and go wherever the journey takes us. We have to learn to live not with certainty, but with questions and uncertainty.
I for one will never be fixed, or defined. And in a way that is the beauty of life lived in freedom. And who of us does not want to be free?
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