Life is one long blur punctuated by nothing. That is how life feels to me now.

Though I have been going blind for some time, over a period of years, in the past two weeks, as I write, my sight has gone completely. Whilst I knew it was coming, nothing could really have prepared me for it. It feels very much like dying, or how I imagine dying would feel. When I was given my cancer diagnosis there was a strong possibility that I would die. That did not happen. Physically I did not die. But death does not have to be physical. I feel as if I have died a different kind of death as, gradually, everything of my life has been stripped from me. I lie here, on the bed, for large parts of the day, stripped naked, clothed in nothing, mentally, spiritually and emotionally speaking. Once, my nakedness was physical, as I was unable to bear clothes on my skin. My nakedness was there for all to see. And I had to be seen – by doctors, occupational therapists, and various other people. It was demeaning. To be seen completely naked is one of the worst things imaginable. Everyone who came had to be warned, before they came, that they would be visiting a completely maked patient. They came mentally prepared.

However, the nakedness that I endure now cannot be seen, and no one is aware of my stripping. Gradually, layer after layer of mebhas been stripped away, silently, unseen, culminating in the loss of my sight. In losing my sight I have become cut off from the world. If you go blind when you are younger, then there is help out there for you. You grow into being blind. You learn how to be blind. But if it happens to you much later in life, there is not the help there’s. Of course, it does not help if, like me, you have no feeling in your hands, for blind people use their fingers and hands to feel for things. I am unable to do that. Additionally, being wheelchair bound as I am does not help. All in all, it leads to a kind of cutting off from the world. An isolation.


  1. blindzanygirl

    I certainly do nick, and your words have encouraged me so much. Thankyou so much, and as for the horror – yes, yes, yes. It was and is just like that. Xo

    Liked by 3 people

  2. ps. It’s really none of my business, but have you decided on a title for your book yet? It clearly needs something brilliant. Perhaps you’re saving it? Perhaps it’s yet to come to you? x

    Liked by 2 people

  3. blindzanygirl

    It is my own personal story Nick and I originally thought to call it “Through My Eyes,” but I am not sure now as it will encompass many things. Have you any ideas? Maybe the horror element should be reflected in the title as the whole of it WAS a horror story. Hmmm. And don’t worry about whether it is your business or not. Everything is gratefully received and thought about xx

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Through My Eyes is good. Don’t run too much with that horror thing as I’m sure your book’s balanced with much wisdom and humour also. Hmm, I’m going to let it brew – as should you –

    I’ve mentioned to you before about a writer that you (could) remind me of… Frances Bellerby. Her personal story may be of some interest to you, but also her poetry and prose.

    Well done with all this and I wish you a good day! xo


  5. I know the feeling of being naked mentally and emotionally… I had a molar pregnancy where they said I had chorionic carcinoma. At one point I was on the exam table, feet in the stirrups and I kid you not, at least 20 nursing students all had a look. After they trooped out another group of medical students came in (probably 20) and they all had to have a look as well. Just when it couldn’t get worse, in came a group of doctors (maybe only 10) and they had to have a good long look. Finally the specialist came in and he and 2 other colleagues examined me. By the time it was over I felt like asking the elevator operator if he wanted a look too as I think he was the only person left in the building who hadn’t looked! I’m sure it was humiliating to have to lay there naked. I do hope they had a privacy curtain….

    Liked by 1 person

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