Life is one long blur punctuated by nothing. That is how life feels to me now.
Though I have been going blind for some time, over a period of years, in the past two weeks, as I write, my sight has gone completely. Whilst I knew it was coming, nothing could really have prepared me for it. It feels very much like dying, or how I imagine dying would feel. When I was given my cancer diagnosis there was a strong possibility that I would die. That did not happen. Physically I did not die. But death does not have to be physical. I feel as if I have died a different kind of death as, gradually, everything of my life has been stripped from me. I lie here, on the bed, for large parts of the day, stripped naked, clothed in nothing, mentally, spiritually and emotionally speaking. Once, my nakedness was physical, as I was unable to bear clothes on my skin. My nakedness was there for all to see. And I had to be seen – by doctors, occupational therapists, and various other people. It was demeaning. To be seen completely naked is one of the worst things imaginable. Everyone who came had to be warned, before they came, that they would be visiting a completely maked patient. They came mentally prepared.
However, the nakedness that I endure now cannot be seen, and no one is aware of my stripping. Gradually, layer after layer of mebhas been stripped away, silently, unseen, culminating in the loss of my sight. In losing my sight I have become cut off from the world. If you go blind when you are younger, then there is help out there for you. You grow into being blind. You learn how to be blind. But if it happens to you much later in life, there is not the help there’s. Of course, it does not help if, like me, you have no feeling in your hands, for blind people use their fingers and hands to feel for things. I am unable to do that. Additionally, being wheelchair bound as I am does not help. All in all, it leads to a kind of cutting off from the world. An isolation.