I didn’t have any hair that day. It was a good job really. It saved me ‘usband from being done for going too slow! Well, that and the blow job. You know, that thing that you blow into to prove you’re not drunk. Or are, as the case may be.
But he wasn’t you see. It was just after Christmas. You know, that time when the Virgin Mary puts in an appearance. They stopped us on the High Street. The police that is.
“Would you mind getting out of your car please Sir?”
“I can’t. I can’t walk.”
Well that was a good one to BEGIN with. A dead giveaway as far as the police were concerned.
“You was going slow on that road through Laughton Common. We’ve been following you.”
Well since when was it a crime to go too slow?
“Have you seen THAT? me ‘usband said, pointing to his Disabled badge.
“And look at me ‘ead,” I chimed in. “It’s got no ‘air on it.”
The policeman peered into the car and looked at me ‘ead.
“Yer right there ,” he said.
“Chemo,” I said. “Just finished chemo. Makes you hairless. Can’t stand going fast. Not much on the road anyway. What you bothered about?”
The policeman softened a bit.
“O.K. Sir. But would you mind please blowing into this bag?”
Well, the indignity of it! He didn’t have much choice though. The policeman was already seeing red.
“A bit previous,” I thought.
Well it didn’t do ANYTHING. Not green, not red, not yellow. NADA! NOTHING!
“Well Sir, you’re not drunk,” he said. But would you mind going a bit faster in future?
“It’s the chemo,” I said. “Makes you feel a bit sick.” My face went a bit green, unlike the bag, that didn’t do anything at all.
The policeman backed away a bit.
“Are you alright Madam?” He said.
“I will be soon,” I said.
He waited a moment, for me to regain my composure.
“So where are you on your way to?” he asked.
“Oh only the other side of Gainsborough,” I said. “We’re on our way to have a chat with the Virgin Mary.”