As I awaken I have fear in my heart. I try to distract myself. I think of fresh green grass wet with the morning dew. I think of waking in the Lake District and the silence before everyone else wakes up. I think of the sun just rising, and the new day ahead. A day in the mountains again. I imagine myself to be young and fit again, and not bound by age, sickness and this body. Which days are the most real? Then, or now? Time is slipping by and soon my time on this earth will be done. My life is limited now, and I hardly feel alive. There is still the fresh green grass wet with the morning dew. There are still mountains waiting to be climbed. But not by me.

Once I was going to climb Everest. It sounded impossible, even as I said it. How could I climb Everest? I was being ridiculous. Yet I still entertained the thought.

I never made Everest, and now it is like climbing Everest getting to the bathroom in a morning. I listen to my husband, still fast asleep, but making strange noises. He sounds like a baby. I begin to shake inside. Is his time running out? We are alone. All our family is gone, and I fear because I do not know what is going to become of us. I long to go back – to that time when we were the masters. When we could direct our own lives. When we needed no one, and when we were not bound by the chains of age.and I wonder how free we really are. Was freedom an illusion? How much of life is an illusion?

It is not an illusion that we are going to die. And for us it will come sooner rather than later. There will be a “Goodbye.” We have already said “Goodbye” to so much. Our lives are fading. The green grass will still be green, long after we are gone, and it will still be wet with the morning dew. Little lambs will run and jump and play in the fields. But they too are doomed. They too will die. For death comes to all.

How do we say “Goodbye”? We cannot do it without help. Yet that last breath, we have to take alone. No one can do it for us. And in that moment we surrender our lives. We surrender them to the Great Unknown.

15 thoughts on “MORNING THOUGHTS

  1. Lovely written Lorraine.

    Mum is in new care home this week and I have dropped off a majority of her belongings. I can’t see her until her 14 day isolation is over, but first impressions feel positive that I have of this care home and I feel communication will be better.
    I have heard good reports of this care home.

    Whrn home from morning job and had a cuppa and mid-breakfast, I will be working away through mum’s care plan I have been sent that will help with prompting me to give information about mum, so they can get to know her better.
    This also includes End of Life.
    Now me and mum have discussed about death before some years ago, but it was more regarding the funeral, not when you are actually passing away part. So when it comes to getting to that part, I really don’t know mum’s wishes and because of mum’s mental capacity, means we are not going to be having that kind if conversation as we once did about the funeral part all those years ago.

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  2. blindzanygirl

    I know what you mean. About there being days when it would be welcome. It is something that we as a couple have to think about though we don’t really want to.

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  3. Great point. If we don’t get to Mount Everest, the mountain will eventually come to us and start turning turning our everyday life into Everest-like challenges! I used to distract myself from thinking about these things but at age 73, I can’t help but go through a more reflective stage.

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  4. Beautifully written and very honest when talking about things that I think many of us fear the most. We just keep postponing facing the topic, but sooner or later it will come. I hope we can all gather strength and prepare ourselves well in the meantime. Take care.

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  5. blindzanygirl

    I am so glad that you have got your mum settled in her new care home and that everything seems positive. I do hope that this proves to be the case Liz. I also hope that things go smoothly from now on regarding after her eventual passing and what she would want although I do understand that communication with your mum might not be such that you can any longer discuss these things. I know that that might be very hard. This is a very difficult time for you both Liz as I know from my own experience. Still here to talk to when you want to. I hope you will soon be holding your mum’s hand again xx

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  6. Such thoughts come to all of us when we get to a ‘certain age’. One thing I do know for sure is that we all die alone, even if someone is next to us in the room. Then there is the great mystery of the ‘beyond’, for those who believe it exists.
    It’s always nice to think it might.
    Best wishes, Pete. x

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  7. blindzanygirl

    Thanks so much Geoff. I have just turned 73 too, and with both of us being ill (cancer for me) we never know what is going to happen. I don’t think it is a bad thing to reflect, as long as we keep living as best we can


  8. blindzanygirl

    Thankyou so much Erlyn. Having had advanced cancer that almost killed me, I am led to facing these things. Each day is different and we live them to the best of our ability. You take care too.

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  9. blindzanygirl

    Hi Pete. Yes, we do all die alone actually even with another person in the room. I actually find that quite scary. But we can’t dwell on it too much. I have no idea at all if there is something beyond or not. Sometimes I think there is, and sometimes I think there isn’t. Though I have lived the Christian faith most of my life, I just don’t know anything any more, though I am told still to believe! No one can know anything for sure.

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  10. I saw so many people die in front of me when I was in the Ambulance Service. I started off looking to see if they gave any sign of ‘passing on’. But then it became such an everyday part of my job, I stopped thinking about it. x

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  11. Death is a tough topic and very personal. I have thought and discussed with my husband, laid out the plans and health directives in our living will and even discussed with my sons… And now I refuse to waste time on the inevitable and unpredictable. Death will come – eventually. I focus on the living of each day with as much gratitude and joy as I can muster. And yes, some days are easier than others….

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  12. blindzanygirl

    There are times when, as you say, you have to focus on it. In our case we have to. But yes, we attempt to live each day as it comes.m sometimes we have to go through a grieving process otherwise things just build up. I don’t believe in pushing things down because that is what I have done all my life and it did me no good whatsoever. It harmed me. When you go blind, for instance, you go through a grieving process. When you are confined to bed many days, knowing that your body is fading and failing more each day, you grieve. You think of better times. And so, I have my own way of thinking about this. Watching another person die also reminds you of your own mortality, and it is not a bad thing to think about it. Also, some of us were imbued with fear and this kind of stays with you. I guess we all feel differently about it.


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