Month: April 2022

PUDDLE

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Oh what
A puddle right
Outside our kitchen door
It is so deep and big
And I see my dog’s eyes light up
In an
Instant
She has dived into the middle
And then begins the dance
Up down round round
Belly
Flops soaked
Runs in kitchen
Shakes all over the place
Laughs in our faces then licks ears
It’s great
To be
A big dog with the longest coat
Think how much I can soak
Mum and Dad leap
And play

MEMORY

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I cannot remember if I reposted this recently

I see things in my memory’s eye
Like the birds that I hear singing,
For now I can only see shapes,
Colours merge into each other,
I see so clearly in my memory,
The birds that brought me life.

This dark world now is my life.
But the dark is only in my eye,
Light shines, in my memory,
My heart within is singing,
I can say no other,
Pure light, my life shapes.

In my time I have seen so many shapes,
Some good, some bad, that determined my life,
Sometimes one, sometimes the other,
On the good I tried to focus my eye,
So that my heart could keep singing,
All these things live on in my memory.

I live now in my memory,
Things take on so many shapes,
Never can I stop singing,
Whatever happens in my life,
I see now with more than my eye,
Not with anything other.

There are so many things but nothing other
Than the light of God lives on in my memory,
It shines not only in my eye,
But into my depths, my life it shapes,
Such light brings to me eternal life,
Everything in me is singing.

Sometimes I hear the angels singing,
Louder than any other,
Bringing to birth in me new life,
That doesn’t live just in my memory,
This for me eternity shapes,
In my spirit, my only eye.

I am not reliant on my eye, but on something other
To keep me singing, but not in my memory,
Something greater my future shapes, giving me eternal life.

ONLY IN THE DARKNESS

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I feel a million dollars because I have managed to write this completely blind. I am getting there. This will be developed to show how good things can grow only in the darkness.

It was late autumn and I was sitting cramped up in the back of a removal van on the floor amongst loads of furniture in the dark. My mother was on the front seat with the two removal men. We had been travelling for four hours and my body was aching from being so cramped up. I thought we were never going to stop but eventually we did. We were going to a new home in a flat that my father had got for us. I was seven years old and this was our ninth move since I had been born.

Eventually we stopped and my mother got out of the removal van, telling me to stay where I was and disappeared into a big house at the end of a long drive. All that I wanted to do was go in and have  something to eat and then go to sleep. I was deeply distressed at what happened next. My mother came out of the house and it was obvious that she and my father were fighting as he followed her down the drive and they were shouting and gesticulating at each other. She came back to the removal van and told the removal men to take us back to where we had come from. My heart was in my boots. I began to cry. I felt that I could not stand another four hours of travelling in the back of that van in the dark. And what was more, what had happened to my father? Why was he staying at the flat and when was he coming back to be with us? At that point we had no home. and nowhere to go. The fear began to overcome me and I cried more and more, but my mother insisted that the removal men took us back to where we had come from. This was one of the very darkest times of my young life but there were many more of them. I lived my life as a child in much darkness. Always this was as a result of the relationship between my parents and the continual fighting that went on between them. I learned to live in fear. I became a very anxious insecure child.

DAFFODILS

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I saw you nodding at me
Your head dancing in the gentle breeze
Saying “Yes” to my presence
Inviting me
Welcoming me
Inviting me to join your dance
My spirit rejoiced
At your “Yes”
For so many times I have been told “No”
So many times rejected
As if I was leprous
So many times labelled
Defined
By those who know nothing
Who do not walk in my shoes
Doors closed in my face
Blaming
Shaming
For being blind
For being wheelchair bound
But here you are
Nodding and saying “Yes”
In your glorious yellow
White accessories
Oh how pretty you look
How gentle your dance
And you invite me, ME
To join you
Tears well in my eyes
Tears of joy
I am WANTED
And hesitantly
With wobbly legs
And unsure sight
I join you in your dance
Together we dance and sing for joy

BANNED

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If I could touch you
You would know that I loved you
But now you are gone

It was a dark night
When you gave out three loud cries
For your children three

But I was not there
I was banned from your bedside
By those who mattered

IN THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US

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In the distance between us
Lives the story of my life
Could you travel through
To get to me
To have and to hold
And know as we are known
The journey is long
And rubble abounds
In dreams and memories
And the bones are but dust
Yet still I have a face
The eyes are gone
But somewhere or other there is a heart
It’s been a long time
I am far far away

BECKONING HILLS

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There was a time when hills were just hills,
They had no meaning, they just were,
Until the day they became mysterious,
Sometimes dark, sometimes light,
Enticing, entrancing, beckoning,
What wonders did they hide?

Enfolded within them, I wanted to hide,
Be absorbed into those hills,
Their spirit seemed to be beckoning,
From wherever they were,
Within their darkness I knew there was light,
Something so mysterious.

Life to me was mysterious,
So often I’d wanted to hide,
Shrink back from the light,
Now I’d found the hills,
In this new place where we were,
Gently they were beckoning.

Why would they be beckoning?
This to me was mysterious,
Standing where we were,
I no longer wanted to hide,
Someone had given me the hills,
Secreting their everlasting light.

I was now drawn to that light,
As I felt it beckoning,
I knew there was glory in those hills,
A glory so mysterious,
That they never truly could hide,
It fell wherever we were.

And that was where we were,
Enfolded in their light,
Love bade us hide,
It was Love that was beckoning,
It was all so mysterious,
The glory of the hills.

One day I found the hills hiding their light,
I could see from where we were that they were beckoning,
Though it was so mysterious, in their glory I’d hide.

SHOCK

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I had no idea some time ago that going blind could be so errrrm dark. I wrote in here that you can be legally blind but still have a very small amount of sight. I had no idea where I would end up. I have been shocked to end up in complete darkness. I see only a black card in front of me. It has been traumatic. I have been determined to try to see the positives init but I do have to admit that I can get pretty depressed at times and feeling hopeless. It has been a very steep learning curve and test of my will. I am not there yet.

CLOWN’S SMILE

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A perspective for your comfort
As you lie on your bed of ease
Your body blithe and strong
Unaffected by disease
You dare to tell me
How things should be for me
From your perspective
Entering not my suffering
Nor trying on my shoes
Should I wear a clowns smile
Just for you

HAIRLESS

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Waters so deep called to me
Did I have a choice?
Could I answer the call
Or could I walk away?
Fear swept over my soul that day
As I beheld their depths
The thing I’d always feared had caught me up
I heard the dreaded word
“Cancer”
Could this really be me
Somehow I always knew that one day
It would catch me
Call me
And as I looked it in the eye
Hairless before my time
I knew
There was no choice
The waters pulled me in
Sucked me dry
In a maelstrom of tears
That remained captive
Within my soul
The waters so deep around me
Left no room for tears
The swirling waters gave no time to think
And I entered my new world
Hairless

FOREORDAINED

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Clothed in the scent of summer
I come to the place of my destiny
Where the breeze wafts the blooming poppies
Reminding me of my sacrifice
Too long have I acquiesced
But now it is my time
A time that was waiting
Beneath the church clock
You knew that I would be coming
From your resting place behind the wall
No one knew you were there
And only by accident did I find you
But you knew that I would
Even though I hardly knew you
You knew me
Made promises divinely sanctioned
Then brutally I was ripped away from you
And from my very self
Many years have now passed
But this is the day
Foreordained
Some things can never be eternally broken

FORGETTABLE

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Today it is my birthday. I had forgotten it until I just heard the date as I got voice over to read some stuff to me. I was very surprised. I think my mother wasquite surprised too when she went into labour with me in the niddle of Woolies. I could not wait to get into the world as I only took two hours to arrive and I got here just in time for tea. Today I am very forgettable as no one remembered. Perhaps it is as wellthough at ny age.

INTENTIONS

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Those of you who have followed me for a long time will know that at various points I have said that I was writing a book it is true. I was. In fact I wrote 55,000 words but then my sight went completely. In fact I started more than one book. I had one of my life story, which was the longest one, and then one on going blind. I had been encouraged by many people, both here on my blog and here where I live, to write a book. It is something I really want to do as well, but as you all know going completely blind recently has caused me a problem. I still wish to write these books and intend to do so and am still typing them though very slowly. There are also people who have urged me to publish a book of my poems again this is something that intend to do. This too is slow work, and my husband is trying to get some of my poems into a manuscript. I have been thinking of just posting some events from my life here on my blog as small snippets are easier to write these may eventually go into the book, but we will see. Thank you for continuing to follow me and for encouraging me.

A CHILD SHALL LEAD US

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When stars are twinkling
I become a child again
Asking where is God

Hidden from our eyes
But dwelling within our hearts
A child can know this

He is in the dance
Swirling and twirling with us
Raising up our song

A child shall lead us
As we climb our high mountains
Opening our eyes

INQUIRY

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It is my aim to be able to write longer poems as a blind person. I am wondering how other blind people do it as it is so hard to remember what you wrote a few lines back. Can anyone enlighten me? I can manage Haikus as I can keep them in my mind, the longer ones I have been posting are out of my stock of older poems. Many of them have been posted before. I want to be able to write as I used to do but Im finding it hard. Prose is ok but poems are much more difficult. Are there there more blind poets out there who can help?

HAVE YOU GOT TIME

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In the passage where time waits
I stumble
Trying not to look back
Afraid to look forwards
A blockage has occurred
Thrashing around I try to kill time
And find
That it is an illusion
A construct
Made to control us
Trip us up
“I haven’t got time,” you say
No, you don’t have time
You have eternity

ONE DAY

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One day a new dawn will break
But it isn’t now
One day all the lies and deceit will cease
But it isn’t now
One day the children will tire of their games
But it isn’t now
One day I will sleep in peace and safety
But it isn’t now
One day this hell will end
But it isn’t now
One day heaven’s glory will break
But it isn’t now
Come soon
Come soon

 

ON WINDY RIDGE

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As I sit on windy ridge
I remember days gone by
Days when life was wild and free
The wind was laughing in the trees
Overhead the buzzards soared
Oh that I could see them now
Dance and sing and play with them
But now Im rooted to the ground
Eyes blind to all that is around
For a moment I am lost
Then the wind begins to sing
Birds in trees are singing too
I remember days gone by
My dark night then was pierced by song
I begin to sing again
I know my spirit still is free
I dance and soar up high as birds
Rise high on wings that beat
A powerful song of love

WALK WITH ME

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This is a repost of an old poem

Come with me today, feel the freshening breeze,
Walking on the hill, above the river,
Remember now, this moment only seize
For soon it may be gone, it’s not forever
I know this far to well, but now I live
In the present moment, feel its glory
All that we have is this bright day to give
To the ones we’ve stored to make our story
Take my hand, we’ll walk this path together
I’ll show you things you never saw before
That always you will want to remember
Until we reach one day that farthest shore
But let the wind blow now here as we walk
And let us hear the silence to us talk

FROZEN IN TIME

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I saw it this morning, frozen in time,
A bead of water, hanging,
The delicate willow looked so fine,
Even the blackbirds were singing.

A bead of water, hanging
Exquisite in its splendour,
Even the blackbirds were singing,
Nature in its grandeur.

Exquisite in its splendour,
It hung audaciously there,
Nature in its grandeur,
Sparkling in the still air.

It hung audaciously there,
Giving its message clear,
Sparkling in the still air,
A bead that looked like a tear.

Giving its message clear,
In the icy cold of the morning,
A bead that looked like a tear,
In harmony with the dawning.

In the icy cold of the morning,
I glimpsed something that was beyond me,
In harmony with the dawning,
I saw into eternity.

I glimpsed something that was beyond me,
Now I know there is hope,
I saw into eternity,
I saw it this morning, frozen in time.

DONT READ IF YOU ARE DEPRESSED

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I am going to make a very honest post and would suggest that if you are depressed you don’t read it. When I first started writing this blog things were much different for me. I was legally blind but that does not mean that you can see nothing at all. I could see black shapes and sometimes a very bit of colour though very faded. I could cope. I could also walk a little bit and we were able to go out and meet people. Things were difficult though bearable. Since then I have gone completely blind and can only see black in front of my eyes and the rest of my body has deteriorated too and I struggle with constant pain. Pain killers merely make me feel sick.

All in all I am struggling and yet trying to remain afloat. As I just said to my husband, people can look in from the outside and tell you what to do and how to think but they are not on the inside.

I try to make my poetry as varied as possible but I feel such a miserable bugger right now that God knows what might come out. I just hope that I don’t offend anybody lol. I am just really tired and it took me one hour just to type this post.

A BIT OF WRITING

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I sat by the stone wall that went around the churchyard looking up the hill towards the church. It was a hot day and I had gone into remission from a serious and advanced cancer. Eight months of gruelling chemotherapy killed the cancer but destroyed my body. I was going blind and could no longer recognise faces and could not walk very far, having come to the point of needing to use a wheelchair at times. I was a very different person to the one who had existed just two years previously. That was why I was here. This was my home village, though It was many years since I had lived there. I had been born here but my parents had moved away whilst I was still a child. My grandparents had still lived at their farm until my grandfather died. Then some years later my grandmother could no longer continue to live there alone and she had to move to a smaller house in the village.

Even after I left the village with my parents I still called it home and returned often to stay with my grandparents on the farm. Not only was it a magical place to me but a much needed refuge from the violence and chaos of life with my parents. It was my happy place and had it not been for my grandparents, and this place, I would not have survived and grown into the person I eventually became. I was there on this day not any longer knowing who I was. The cancer had changed me so much that I hardly knew myself. I was in a strange land with no signposts or way-marks and maybe I could reconnect with this happy place that had been a refuge for me in the past. In this foreign land of imminent blindness and immobility I might be able to recreate myself. From a place that I found frightening, unsafe and insecure I might be able to find some peace just as I had as a child.

KNOWING NOTHING

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I know today
That I know nothing
And as I shrink,
You grow
Once I could see
Now I am blind
The path ahead was clear
Now I see nothing
If I look forwards
I learn nothing
Except that I am blind
And so I have no choice
Except to look inwards
For in looking inwards
I do not need my eyes
And yet
Without eyes
I see far more looking inwards
Than ever I could with my eyes
And as I travel inwards
I see
That I know nothing
Except that by grace
I will be saved
And what is better
To see the path ahead
And feel sure
Or to travel inwards
And know that I know nothing
At all
And thereby
To find my true self?

SNOBALOB

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On the grass that’s filled with goobies
Fulchaes nestling in its blades
Lies my trusty snobalob
Waiting for my hand to garble
All day long it wists and wadles
Singing songs of longibotes
Flying round the bootlelegs
Hissing with their sholvikins
Sun shines down and maubles shrivel
Phew it is too hotikins
Still sits there my snobalob
Holding on until I voodle

SIT HERE WITH ME

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Sit here with me upon this bounteous hill
Where many folk have walked from ancient times
And listen for its song while all is still

Stay here awhile let all your senses fill
With all that lives and dreams while warm sun shines
Sit here with me upon this bounteous hill

Take in the peace and sojourn here until
Your heart is full your soul no longer pines
And listen for its song while all is still

Around are many souls who found the will
To live and strive for good with greatest skill
Sit here with me upon this bounteous hill
And listen for its song while all is still

BREAKING THE CHAINS

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Sometimes it is best to leave
The chains that lock up freedom
Though said to be for our protection
Blind eyes see through the deception
As the light shines
Into the darkness of evil
Presented by another name
Our souls were not meant to be chained
Nor our heart’s love
Freedom awaits us in diverse places
Where the sky meets the earth
And we dwell in the place of liminality
Where the veil is rent in two
Breaking the chains of earth

CANDLE

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The flame dies,
The candle goes out,
Everything has its season,
Things and people come and go,
Without any reason,
We search in vain for something that lasts,
We feel our grief and loss,
As the darkness enfolds us
We open our hearts
And find one true lasting light,
Taking us into the future

THE END OF TIME

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The world is in motion
Nothing still
As the Dance goes on
Weaving
Gliding
Twisting
Forming patterns like the crystals of a snowflake
Painting pictures
Creating stories
Dying
Birthing
Re-creating
Is there really a time for everything
Or is everything in its time?
And is there a difference?
Soon, time will be no more
The Dance will end
As eternity calls
The picture will be complete
But how will the story end?
As eternity calls
A new book will be opened
A book called “The Book of Life”
And in this book
A day will be like a thousand years
And a thousand years like a day
And here, there will be no endings
Or even beginnings
For time will be no more
In a life that is eternal

DIARY ENTRY

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I am still working very hard on learning to type and navigate WordPress. As my body too is deteriorating slowly I find myself more exhausted I rarely go out these days though I am hoping to be able to do so soon Life is hard right now and I am not sure where mine is going. The result is that I am still having problems replying to everyone’s beautiful comments I keep trying to do a catch up and then fall behind again. Please be assured though that I read every single comment and your comments make my day. Thank you.

FAST TRAIN

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Remembering past times
The movie rolling tauntingly in my head
Knowing that I cannot go back
I am on the slow train now
Winding down to the end of the line
Panic hits
Where did all the time go
Was it on the fast train
The movie speeds up now
There is no time left
Only eternity