I HATE BEING DEPENDANT

I will probably sound boring and repetetive, but the thing that bothers me most is being totally dependent upon someone else. I would not will this on anybody. It is a shock when you think you will recover from cancer and chemotherapy only to discover that something has gone wrong and you are never going to be even slightly independent again. It has come upon me gradually and coming to terms with it is almost impossible. I was always a lively, strong willed, forthright and independent person. To end up like I have has been soul destroying. I feel that I have lost my very life. I have to ask for absolutely everything. Having so little feeling in my fingers and hands has made the blindness even worse.

One thing that really bothers me is that I need help to navigate WordPress. I become so frustrated particularly when I read comments from people and cannot respond myself and have to wait for help. This can be anything up to four or five days and then it is really difficult. Reading comments, my heart immediately wants to respond but I can’t do it on my own. Then, also I receive people’s postings in my emails and want to go straight to read those postings but I cannot do that without help either. I just feel so frustrated as I want to read and know what is going on too.

I feel so bad because I have a fertile and lively mind in a completely useless body, and I grieve over this. I get in bad moods sometimes too. I get depressed also, and often this comes out in what I write, though I try ti not let that happen too much.

Oh to be back where I was before I got cancer. I long to be that person again but know I never will be. I try to live with it but it is so hard. I just am not by nature a dependent person. This is such a hard lesson to learn.