A DARK PAINFUL POST. PLEASE IGNORE IF YOU WISH

I feel as if I am fading and slipping away. I am very frightened. The Christmas period knocked the stuffing out of me. It was the most terrible day. Just so alone. After Christmas I attempted to pull myself up by my boot laces as I always do. But this time I could not. I have lost my strength. When you are in bodily pain and blind you have to have mental strength to keep going. So far until Christmas I had my black moments when I would cry and cry, or just sit paralysed on the bed. I always managed somewho to find some way of bringing myself round. But this time I can’t. The effort is just too great.

I used to use various methods to bring myself round. One was prayer because whatever I believe or don’t believe about God it seemed to help. My faith has been tested beyone endurance, not by my illness but more by the rejection of us and the running away from us by family and also my one time church family. I could not believe that someone could just run away like that and leave us completely alone. Also the attitude of Social Services who will not recognise our need, has contributed to my loss of faith. I have had a lot of pain and darkness in my life but always before I managed to keep faith. But now, I sumply cannot.

I know what my future is and I dread it. I feel as though this coming year my life will go. Also that I will be taken away from my home and forced into a situation that I simply could not deal with. They always say that they want people to be cared for in their own homes but that care has not been forthcoming for us despite a lot of fighting including contacting our MP. We seem to have slipped through the net.

Living in totaly darkness and being immobile and in pain also makes you withdraw from the world when you have tried desperately to remain part of the world and failed.

I look back because I cannot look forwards. There is nothing in front of me. My life is gone. I find it hard to believe that someone as lively and active and friendly as me could end up like this. But gradually, now, my senses are leaving me. I simply have no strength left. We need human company at times and we simply do not get it. We need a certain amount of actual help too, but it is not forthcoming.

Some days I contemplate what to do and wonder if my mother was right. That I should have gone to Switzerland. Naybe I should have.

This is a very black post, but this is what even strong people can come to.

If you have any boot laces then please send them to me.