I TURN TO YOU

I turn to you my trusty friend
For there is no one else
On you I can make marks
That say whatever they will
Between paper and pen are secrets
That no one else can hear
Words that dare not be said
But what is a piece of paper
That does not speak back
Echoing words
Can kill

IN THE PRESENT MOMENT

In the present moment
Are gathered
All our yesterdays
All our tomorrows
All that we have for sure
Is this moment
‘Tis true tomorrow we may die
Eternity is held in this moment
Things that will never pass away
All that is, is
All that was, was
Can anything be transformed
You tell me my friend

QUESTION REGARDING WRITING TO NEWSPAPERS

I wish to write to a or some newspapers regarding how on many occasions people seeking social care are unable to get it but then are blamed by various bodies or individuals for their failure to find such care. I am wondering which newspapers are the best ones to write to. I am not a very active political animal, and do not care which side of the political fence various newspapers sit as I just want to get my own view and my own experience as well as the experiences of others out there.

I once quoted the words, “the pen is mightier than the sword,” and I have not got a sword anyway but I do have a pen, or at least an iPad and keyboard. I can write. I am not one to normally do this or even think of it but I have been incensed today and am fed up with how people are so often treated. I feel fired up to write not an angry letter but one that is balanced and that presents the problem clearly.

While people are still committing suicide because of failures on the social care system and because of victim blamin and apathy I HAVE to do something even if only writing letters. I do not wish to write just to my MP as this does not reach a wide audience. Can anyone add their ten pennyworth and suggest which newspapers might be the best ones to write to? Thanks in advance.
Ps I am in the UK

THE GUILT FACTOR

I want to write about this because I have seen it in operation in all kinds of situations. To me, it seems that there is a tendency very often to blame someone if they do not come up with the goods of whatever seems to be needed. It seems to me that people so often have their own agendas and that if you do not fit their boxes then you are to blame.

I believe that this is rampant. I think some have called it blaming the victim. It happens a lot when someone is raped and there are many other situations like that.

To go through something terrible and then to have extra guilt put onto you is soul destroying. We have grappled with this as well, concerning our attempts to get halp from Social Services. We have been trying for about four years now and some people have become very angry with us because we have not been successful. It seems that they feel we are not trying hard enough or that we are to blame in some way for the situation. To feel so low because you cannot get the help you need when it is desperately needed and then to have guilt added onto that is almost unbearable.

I do not believe we are the only ones in this situation and that others find themselves being blamed too.

This morning I have had someone say to me that he does not understand the reasons for our failure to get help. I feel as though I have to justify myself all the time. In this instance I did explain all that we had done, but still the person would not bend. No reason that I gave was enough. I guessed that he felt we had not tried hard enough. This is so cruel because it is extra pain added onto the pain you already have.

I know that this happens in other situations too. People say things like “why cannot she………….” Or Why cannot he………….

I wonder what is behind this victim blaming? All I know is that it is cruel. Thank goodness I can look at this objectively.

ONLY GOT AS FAR AS DRIVE CAR BROKEN DOWN

As posted below we were meant to be going out today. I managed to walk all the way down the ramp feeling scared and once in the car it would not start. It has developed a major electrical fault. Damn it. I am now back in the house. Shit lol

TRYING TO GO OUT

I am hoping to go out today. It will be the first time since my escapade at the hospital the other week. I have to say that I am scared, as it involves walking in total blackness down the very narrow ramp outside our front door to get to the car. It terrifies me. It is not exactly even, and I have to rely on my husband shouting out to me to move to the left or the right. I cannot get my wheelchair down there so I have to walk and I wobble. It is really scary but I have no one to help me. I fear becoming totally housebound. It is really scary. We are not going anywhere special but I really do want to find a way of still getting to the car. It is not parked too far away from the house but it is just that damned ramp. No one has any ideas what we can do with the ramp. Wish me luck lol

IN THIS SACRED NIGHT

In this sacred night
A world of wonder is born
In a child’s clear sight

WHERE THE HERONS ARE

Where the herons are
Is hope of resurrection
Beauty beyond words

GOLD

Gold streaks in dark skies
A promise of better days
Winter’s cold retreats

TIME

Back in
Another time,
I wonder if the now
Is set apart from that past time
The same
Sky glows
Changes colour then darkness falls
The past still lives, changing
Our perspective
Bells chime

TRANSFORMED

And now the rowan is in bud again
Beneath the church tower
Announcing that nothing ever dies
But simply changes form
Transformed
Matter is neither created nor destroyed
We are told
They did not say it cannot be transformed
Even the dust on the ground
Can take on a new form
Can beauty come from ashes
And can mourning be turned into dancing
And is there always a song
In a major or a minor key
Joy and sorrow
Holding hands
Part of the whole
And those who lie beneath the church tower
In ancient graves
Never destroyed
Though time recreates them
The mystic rowan tree
Knows all
And speaks to us of eternity

MEMORIES

Memories like ghosts
Walking slowly through my mind
I an a cold sweat

COLD

Cold lies on hedges
Like your breath upon my face
The feel of pure evil

THE ANNOUNCEMENT Part 4

As Kim drove along the motorway she felt as if she was in a bad dream. Nothing felt real, and yet it was real. Too real. The thoughts of what was to be her life now made her baulk. Back at the house which she had just left, everything was the worst mess she had ever known. She was used to moving house and normally everything was organised and in order and always she had left things clean and decent for the next person moving in. But this time it was chaos. There was water all over the kitchen floor that had come from the fridge as it had defrosted. The tiles had started lifting in the kitchen near to the fridge. There was still food in the cupboards and she had not cleaned the kitchen sink or the draining board. There were pots all over the kitchen waiting to be packed. She had had to leave the large bag of dog food in the kitchen, having scooped some of it out to put into a plastic bag to keep the dogs going for a couple of days. The dogs had not eaten properly in the chaos and had left their dinners half eaten, and, unable to get to the kitchen sink to wash their dishes, she had packed the dishes with food still in them into plastic bags. Somehow or other she had managed to salvage what she needed for the night at her mother’s from the chaos, but her car was in a terrible mess and totally disorganised. Kim felt that she could not survive this, but she knew she had to. All that she could think of now was her dogs. Would they be ok? All she wanted to do was cuddle them, but she had to get on and get to her mother’s. And that was the one place she did not want to go. Her mother had abused her horrifically during her lifetime and Kim did not want to be trapped for the night in her mother’s house. She knew it would be terrible, and it was. She kept herself going by thinking that the next day she would be in her own house and she could start trying to get things ship shape again. There would be some semblance of order when Ron came to the new house from the hospital. She had no idea when that would be, but she longed to have him there right now. He should be at her side now, not stuck in some hospital bed with bandages on his leg and foot. She felt for him. He would be out of his mind with worry. But his job was to recover. Without knowing it, this was to be more of a turning point in their lives than they had anticipated as this was to be the point at which Ron was put into a wheelchair for life.

On the morning of the move, Kim had to go to the solicitors to pick up the keys for the new house. She could hardly wait. However, unbeknown to her, there had been a hold up. The monies had not been exchanged properly and she could not pick the keys up. She was on the phone to the solicitors most of the morning but nothing was happening. She drove to the new house as the removal men would be arriving soon, but they would not be able to get into the house. By midday everyone apart from Ron was at the house. Kim could only go into the drive of the house, and the removal men were sat in their van getting angrier and angrier. Kim was having to placate them. She found herself on the phone to the solicitors and the hospital all at the same time, and Ron was telling her that they were going to discharge him but that they insisted that there must be a wheelchair waiting for him at the new house. Kim now had another job. How could she purchase a wheelchair whilst she was on the phone to the solicitors and trying to get the removal underway. She was beginning to panic but Ron found a shop in the town that sold wheelchairs and told her to ring them up and ask them to deliver a new wheelchair to the house. Still, they were stuck outside the house, unable to get in, and when Kim rang the wheelchair shop the man was very helpful but said he needed to know how wide the doorways were in the house. Kim of course could not tell him. In the end he agreed to deliver to her the narrowest wheelchair that they had. So there was Kim standing in the driveway of the new house with a wheelchair and three fuming removal men sitting in a van. In time, however, the solicitors informed her that she could go to their offices and pick the keys up.

THE ANNOUNCEMENT Part 3

RDP MONDAY – GLARE

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2023/01/30/rdp-monday-glare/

He began to GLARE at her. She had never seen him look at her like this before. It was only six weeks since their wedding. The works. A nice dress. A lovely Reception at her parents’ home. A honeymoon in London albeit it short. She could feel something in his glare. It was not normal. Then he grabbed her and flung her to the floor. He began to hit her. In that moment she died inside. In that moment she became as nothing. That was what he had intended to do. To make her as nothing. He raised himself above her. He stood there and did long, slow, repulsive spits on her face, calling her names.

Afterwards Susie did not know what had hit her. This was her new, lovely kind husband. Now he was a monster. She no longer knew him.

THE WORLD BENEATH

Concrete steel
Traffic roars
Beneath birds

Peaceful ponds
Bitterns boom
Herons fish

Nature still
Carries on
Regardless

THEFT

You never knew where you end and I begin
Everything was one to you
You stole my soul, I could not win.

I was possessed, only a thing,
The hate within me grew,
You never knew where you end and I begin

I had to take it all on the chin
It was a witches brew
You stole my soul, I could not win.

The line between life and death was thin
This was what you put me through
You never knew where you end and I begin

I knew for years the dreadful sting
Of being crushed, the day I’d rue
You stole my soul I could not win

But now I know what grief you bring
I need to make my life anew
You never knew where you end and I begin
You stole my soul I could not win.

SEEDS OF HOPE

One day the light will dawn again
When worlds have met and choirs have sung
My soul aches now in all its pain

The clouds have gathered so much rain
And now obliterate the sun
One day the light will dawn again

So oft I’ve shrunk away in shame
When smiles some days refused to come
My soul aches now in all its pain

Sometimes I feel there’s nought to gain
So many battles I have won
One day the light will dawn again

So few have walked this rough terrain
So dry the heart and mouth and tongue
My soul aches now in all its pain

Seeds upon the ground have lain
Of hope from pain and sadness wrung
My soul aches now in all its pain
One day the light will dawn again

MY SOUL DRINKS

My soul drinks of the chalice of Nature
Eats at the table of the Universe
Drinks of the fountain springing from the hard rock
The fountain of life
The living water
In the dry places
The places of suffering
I go to those places in my mind
Thirsty I drink
And I am refreshed
With the fountain
I dance
And sing a song of love
For even in the desert
Love cannot be quenched

WHERE THE HERONS FLEW

There is a very beautiful place not very far from here. It is called Far Ings Nature Reserve. It lies alongside the south bank of the River Humber. We found it by accident one day after we moved back to my home county in May 2009. It consists of lots of ponds or lakes and there are bird hides at various points within the Reserve. From within these bird hides it is possible to see all kinds of birds, particularly water birds. Like the herons. Also the rare bitterns that boom. We used to sit oveerlooking the lake and just ahead of us was a point where the herons used to stand for hours fishing. I thought they were the most beautiful things that I had ever seen. There they would stand perfectly still on one leg looking down at the water, then suddenly they would dive into the water with their beaks and come up again with a fish. Until that moment they were statuesque. We could sit for hours watching the heron. Words could not describe the beauty of that place. Often I would get my two dogs out of the car and take a long walk along the river bank and in the bushes and hedgerows along the way were all sorts of birds. At one point we had to pass under the great Humber Bridge and it felt so eerie walking underneath it listening to the roar of the traffic passing over the briedge. Beyond that was Chowder Ness where the tidal river came right up to the wall at the edge of the bank. It was only a low wall and there was a bit of a drop down into the water or onto the beach when the tide was not in. All sorts of birds could be seen at the water’s edge when the tide was out, but when the tide was in you could hear it crashing onto the wall. There was another big pond there too and we saw all kinds of birds there. There were often the most beautiful sunsets there, and one evening four herons came flying past just above the river. It was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen.

Those things I will never see again, and that fills me with great sadness. I long to go and feel the wind on my face and hear the waves crashing again but the track down to Chowder Ness is now too rough to travel down in our car. It seems so long ago now.

ACCEPT

This is a re-post

So long
I accepted
“This is God’s will for you,”
Accepted all that came to me,
Saw stars
In mud,
Trying so hard to see the light
In darkest of places,
Now, the Springtime
Has gone
I don’t
See stars, or Spring,
I see as I throw food
All over like a baby, bib
Round neck,
Nothing
But a monster that would take my
Personhood away, plunge
Me into hell,
I fought
I beat
The cancer, blind
From the “cure” I lost all,
Skin unfeeling from drugs I took,
Legs gone,
Life gone,
I live a blind death every day,
Disconnected from all
Alone, in hell,
Accept?

SACRED IS THE NIGHT

Sacred is the night
Bright the twinkling of the stars
In divine darkness

THE DARKNESS WITHIN

The darkness within
Brighter than the light without
Dazzling purity

LOOK WITHIN

Taught
From our childhood
To look for God without
A Being perhaps beyond the stars
Bigger than the Universe itself
A Power
That will grant all our wishes and desires
A miracle worker
Perhaps
One who must be appeased
The all seeing One
The One who looks into our soul
And so
We both embrace
And shrink away
We hope for a Saviour
A Rescuer
A Granter of Wishes
Like pulling a rabbit out of a hat
Gasps of joy
Gasps of wonder
And then……………….

Nothing fits any more
We enter a darkness
A deep deep darkness
Deeper than the ocean
Something hits us
And then again
And again and again
We ask where this God is
We search
We groan
We cry out
We agonise
He is not there
All that we find is our own darkness
And then the only place to go
Is into our own darkness
And there we find treasure
That we never knew existed
There we find a divine light
Deep within our own souls
Within and not without
And that light makes us grow
And brings us back to life
Go bwithin
And find treasures

STEPHEN (from my book “abducted”)

Stephen started as the phone on his desk rang. Answering he heard a young sounding voice asking if she could possibly come to see him. Her name was Ella and her father had recently died and she wanted to talk to him about the grief. Stephen’s heart fluttered as he played with the idea of another young woman coming to see him. He loved to see people with difficulties as he could spin it out a bit and enjoy himself with them. Just lately there had been a dearth of young women wanting to see him and he was feeling desperate. He needed the excitement of a new encounter. So this phone call was a very welcome one.

“Can you come down to the vicarage on Wednesday evening, around 7 pm?”

“Yes,”replied ella.

Stephen was nearing retirement and he was bored. Bored with being a vicar. Bored with being respectable. Not that he had been particularly respectable but he had managed to hide what he had been doing. He liked to walk near to the edge but had still managed to become a Canon. But he wanted to go out with a bang. He loved experimenting to see what he could do with people, and he had always wanted to be able to replace one reality with another. He had read about this in German philosophy and wondered if indeed it was possible. Now was his chance to find out. A young woman in grief. He should be able to manage something with her. The grief stricken ones were the easiest. Their minds were pliable and open due to their suffering. He relished the prospect of meeting Ella. The only problem was that she was coming with her husband. Well, he could soon get rid of him. He had his methods.

Stephen’s wife Sophia was in the kitchen clearing up after breakfast. The same old things. The same old routine. He was bored with her though she was a good wife. There was no denying that. Cooking, cleaning and doing his washing and ironing were her forte. All she had ever wanted to be was a housewife, despite a good education at Oxford. Languages. That was what she had done. After University she had become a German teacher but she hated it. She had met Stephen at Oxford and when he showed interest in her and told her that he was going to be a vicar she thought she could do no better than that. And so the two of them married but soon Sophia started suffering with depression. Stephen often boasted that in those early days he had been the one to help her the most with her depression. But now he was bored. Very bored.

AWAY IN A DREAM

Away in a dream
In a world of nothingness
I wake to the light

INFINITY

When worlds slip away
I am in infinity
Where time is no more

OUTSIDE

Outside
A world living
A world I do not know
I strain my ears and hear the sounds
Dogs bark
Kids cry
Inside my head there is a world
Made up of memories
But they too are fading
I sleep again
Lifeless

GIFTED

Gifted
We are to each
Other in this dark world
Carrying each other’s burdens
In love
As one
We keep walking in the darkness
Letting our bright light shine
We will get through
This life

BROKENNESS TO BEAUTY

Today
My brokenness
Became part of the whole
All of the pieces were gathered
Woven
Moulded
Into something so beautiful
I beheld You broken
Touched Your Body
With tears

And I
The blemished one
Found healing in those tears
Like she who cried so long ago
Washing
Your feet
With tears that flowed so readily
From eyes that now had sight
And a heart full
Of love

THE ANNOUNCEMENT Part 3

Throughout the two days preceding the move Kim had kept in contact with Ron via telephone. She had watched the ambulance rush away with blue lights flashing and, desperate to be with Ron, had got into her car and attempted to follow the ambulance. It was rush hour however and the hospital was a good few miles away in the city and she did not know the way. She realised that there was no way in which she would be able to get to the hospital. Nevern had she felt so alone in her life. It was difficult to find out what was happening at the hospital, but eventually Ron was able to tell her that they were going to operate under an epidural as it was too dangerous to give him a general anaesthetic due to other health problems that he had. He sounded pretty perky when she spoke to him, and he promised to stay in touch whenever he could. All that she wanted however was to be with him holding his hand. This was all wrong. But there was nothing that she could do about it. So much was on her shoulders now.

Kim and Ron had chosen the removal firm carefully. They had asked them a lot of questions and they seemed to be the best firm. They had promised that they would do any packing that was left that Kim and Ron had been unable to do. Kim had, however, been able to get the main things into boxes, labelled with the room that they needed to go into at the new house. Kim had gone over to the town they were moving back to one weekend to try to find a house that they could afford to buy. They thought that they would only be able to buy a run down house in a bad area, but Kim was surprised to find a nice house in a nice road that would be just perfect for them. Nothing modern but certainly not run down. Ron had been unable to go with her to find a house but when she told him about it he approved of her choice. All that Kim wanted to do was get moved now, and begin their new life back in her hometown. She had no idea of the trauma that was about to befall her.

The removal men arrived on the appointed day. The idea was that they would load up the van one day and travel to the new house the next day. In the event all things changed, and Kim had to go and stay one night with her mother. The one thing she had never wanted to do. There were the two dogs to accommodate too and this complicated matters. However Kim’s mother said it was fine if she took the two dogs there. It was only for one night.

As Kim watched the removal van being packed it became obvious that not everything was going to go in. She watched in horror as the removal men chopped up her organ and put it into the skip. It was a two keyboard organ with stops and bars which she played with her feet. Her heart broke as she watched it being broken up in such a brutal manner. It was part of her life going. Part of her. She had to quash her feelings however. This was no time for feelings. She had to be practical.

By now Kim was deeply traumatised and the removal men told her to get into her car and make her way to the new house. They would finish off without her. Kim got into her car in a daze. As she drove along the ridge above a valley she stopped in a lay by, got out of her car and, looking out over the valley, bade it goodbye. She still could hardly believe that this was happening. The journey along the motorway was the saddest journey that she had ever made.

THE ANNOUNCEMENT Part 2

SPRING

Dark nights
Give way to Spring
Snowdrops soon appearing
White of purity, salving tears,
Soon, day
Chases
Night away, welcomes the Springtime
Sighing in the dark night
We wait in hope
Come soon

IN ADVERSITY

In adversity
When wind and waves are roaring
Hold onto a rock

WHEN WINTER’S SLEEP COMES

When winter’s sleep comes
Life is being created
In the darkened earth

SUMMER

Summer’s hissing sounds
Sing to me in the long grass
Lying in the sun

IN SUMMER’S MEADOW

In summer’s meadow
By the river’s cooling song
Everything stands still

NEW NAME FOR MY BLOG

I think I’m going to call my blog “the I’m Going Mad Blog.” Then I can come in here and say “I’m going mad because” and anyone else can come in here and say “I’m going mad because,” and then we can all keep each other company.

WHEN ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT

When all the lights go out
And no one else is there
Your body filled with pain
Inside you want to cry
You find
That crying is no good
There is no one to hear
The pit is deep and dark
Exhaustion lays you low
You lie there in the silence
Listening to your own breathing
And to the machine at the side of you
Helping your spouse to breathe
All seems lost
You reach your hand out
To the drawer beside you
A few gulps and it could all be ended
And then…………..
Somehow or other
There comes a light within
Telling you that there is hope
That you are strong
And that you must keep going
And the crisis is over for another night

REPORT ON SOCIAL CARE SYSTEM IN UK

In attempting to take up the fight again today to find ourselves some help, we met, once again with a lack of available people. It became very wearing again and emotional. So we looked up on the internet what has been reported about the matter recently. We found that Watchdog has looked at it and found a Report done by The Association of Directors of Adults Social Care Services. They said the following

“The government’s proposed reforms to social care funding will not add a single minute of extra care and support, or improve the quality of life for older people, disabled people and unpaid carers.”

It is as we thought. Given also that we live in a backwater although it is a steel town, we have not got a cat in hell’s chance of getting any aid. This is deeply distressing and I truly wonder what is going to become of us all. There are many stories in the newspapers of failures and people ending committing suicide or simply going mental over it. I feel so overwhelmed by it all and have been looking back over my life and wondering how it could have ended up so wrong. Having no family or friends makes it almost impossible too. I do get stressed and yes, even suicidal at times because the struggle seems so impossible. Today we have been told numerous times “we don’t work in your area.” I live in Scunthorpe, North Lincolnshire. I do not understand why we are such a backwater but even the RNIB does not operate in our are. That stands for the Royal National Institute for the Blind.

Yes, I may come on here to vent, to cry, or just to find companionship, which I do find here. Thankyou to everyone.

HOW MANY LIKE SHAKESPEARE

I was introduced to so much English Literature at school. When I was a child I loved Enid Blyton who is now frowned upon. I came to her books by myself and not through school. My favourite books were her Famous Five books.

I then went to Grammar School and that was where my adventure with English Literature began. Many of the books we had to read, I hated. But many I loved. I was introduced to the poetry of Wilfred Owen here and he was my hero. It was the poetry of Wilfred Owen that gave me my interest in poetry. No longer was it dead and boring but it was raw and startling and honest. I always wanted to write like that.

Then of course I was introduced to William Shakespeare. The first play that we did was Othello. I was transfixed. It was amazing. I will never forget the line said by Othello as he kills Desdemona, “put out the light and then put out the light.” That line still lives with me today. It became my favourite Shakespeare play. I never saw a Shakespeare play in the theatre but I would have loved to have seen that one. Does anyone else like Shakespeare?

HOUNDED

Hounded
Baying dogs chase
Their prey no holding back
Not satisfied until the death comes
Blood flows

THE ANNOUNCEMENT Part 2

Link to part 1

THE ANNOUNCEMENT

Kim began to panic. Ron had to work his notice out, and she knew that the bulk of the work would fall upon her. Getting the house ship shape and clean and tidy for people to view it. Given the messy person that Ron was, she knew that this would be almost impossible. It would be up to her to deal with the estate agent and show people round. Suddenly she felt unequal to the task and secretly she cried. Everything had always fallen upon her in this marriage and she felt as if she was a work horse, just there for Ron’s benefit. She could hardly believe he would do this to her. But so often he had not cared about her feelings. Everything always had to be done his way. Often she had had no say in anything. This time though, she was scared as well as everything else. She thought of her life over the past eight years and the last thing that she wanted to do was to lose it. She attempted to persuade Ron to put themselves into the hands of Social Services and the local Council. They were their responsibility now, not the authorities back in the old place. But Ron was having none of it. He was not going to move to some pokey flat in a horrible area. Kim pointed out that there were nice bungalows that could be had, but as Ron said, they were few a far between and they would not stand a chance of getting one. Kim knew that it was no good. Ron had made his mind up and that was that.

There was no time for crying after that first time. Kim had to get a move on. Overwhelmed, she talked about what had befallen her on an internet forum that she went to. Some of the people on the forum had become good friends. Donna was one, and realising Kim’s plight, she offered to visit Kim and help her to get the house ready to sell. Kim could hardly believe that Donna would do this. Donna lived about fifty miles away, but she was determined to help Kim if she could. And so, one morning, there was Donna, at the door. Kim could hardly believe that she was meeting Donna in the flesh. She was just as she had expected her to be. Tall, not fat but not thin, long dark hair, very business like but very kind. She took control immediately, cleaning all the windows, vacuuming all over, and arranging Kim’s ornaments in a different way.

‘You want two ornaments standing side by side,” she said. And so everything was arranged in twos. It looked good but Kim would never have thought of doing that. By the time Donna left everything was so different. They hugged as Donna was about to leave, and Kim never saw Donna again. It was as if someone had sent an angel along. But Kim did not believe in angels. In the end Kim showed nobody around the house because their neighbour had seen that the house was for sale and asked if he could buy it to do up and put tenants into. Kim and Ron could have jumped for joy. They had been spared all the hassle of having to keep the house decent and they could just get on with the packing and the arranging of the removal van. Deep inside her Kim knew that if this had not happened the house might not have sold very quickly, for she could not have dealt with everything on her own and with Ron as messy as he was.

Despite everything, Kim felt overwhelmed by the amount of packing that had to be done. Ron was a hoarder, and she had no idea how to deal with all that he had hoarded. She just could not do it on her own.

It was two days befor the move, and Ron was in the kitchen supposedly emptying a drawer and packing things into a cardboard box. Kim was in the living room packing in there. Suddenly ther was a loud thump that came from the kitchen. Kim ran into the kitchen and saw Ron lying on the floor.

“Get an ambulance, quick,” he yelled. Kim was in shock, and an ambulance was called, but it took a long time to come. Ron was in agony. He had snapped his foot off. When the amblulance came the parademics could not lift Ron off the kitchen floor and onto a stretcher because the kitchen was so narrow. They said that they had left their lifting gear back at the ambulance station which was many miles away. It took them two hours to get Ron into the ambulance and they kept having to top him up with morphine.

Kim watched the ambulance roar away, blue lights flashing. Suddenly she felt bereft. They were moving in two days time and how could she do this all alone now? She began to tremble and cry. There was no one to help her. The move could not be cancelled now. The legalities were that she had to be out of the house by midday two days later.

Kim spent the next two days packing but it was an impossible task. She felt hopeless. She was beginning to panic. One night whe was walking slowly to the skip that was parked out on the road carrying just one item to throw into it. She could hardly walk and she could not carry any more. She was exhausted and had packed all through the night. How on earth was this move going to be accomplished?

WHAT HAPPENED ON TUESDAY re Hospital

On Tuesday my blood pressure suddenly shot up dangerously high. At the same time I had pain in my chest. It was very frightening. We knew why it was happening but there was nothing we could do about. It was a most horrific day in more ways than one. At the same time as all this happening, we were on the phone all day to various cleaning companies etc. They were all messing us about. They would say that they could provide someone at such and such a time on such and such a day and we thought we were ok for a cleaner now, but then they would ring back and say that it could not be done and said they would get back to us. Not only that but we were on the phone all day trying to get a handyman to come and fit the grab rails that my husband purchased through Amazon. Again they would promise us something and then cancel. We were desperate because my husband is falling. It was an horric day. Also something else happened that terrified me, and that was it. My blood pressure went sky high. Well over dangerous. I am home now and in fact was yesterday but was very very tired and kept wanting to sleep. I did write and post a few poems towards the end of the day and I did write two other longer posts in moments when I was feeling better and wanting to.

Today I am much much better, but it just goes to show the effect that all this shit that we are living through can do to someone. We have been fighting for so long now. Also the other day Social Services offered us some help but then they too told us that it coould not be done and that that the person who had offered us the help should not have done as she was only a Junior Social Worker. We had been led up the garden path again.

This blog is the only thing saving me at the moment. The last thing that I want is to lose it. I turn to this to settle myself and to do something other than deal with all this shit. I love writing and it calms me. Talking to you all on here simply saves me. That is how important you all are and I thank you for your kindness. Xx

ANOTHER NIGHT

Another night comes
The days are going so fast
And time is so short

EACH DAY

Each day brings shadows
That obliterate the light
But still I see light

HEALING SLEEP

Healing sleep kisses
The dark night within my eyes
Soon I will find rest

YESTERDAY

Yesterday we had an episode where I had to go to the hospital as an emergency. That meant that I have not been very good today either. I have been so very tired and sleeping or just lying down a lot. I hope to be back to normal soon but just so tired right now. I am managin to post still but that is all. My husband has been finding poems for me and sometimes accidentally posts ones that I have already posted recently. The other posts, I have done myself.

THE ANNOUNCEMENT

Kim looked at Ron in horror.

“I’ve given in my notice at work,” he announced.

She could hardly believe the words she was hearing.

“What the hell…” she exclaimed.

There had been no discussion about this. She had known that Ron was struggling, but he had always managed. Lately he had taken to walking around the various construction sites with a walking cane for support. Admittedly he had had a few falls, but she had put this down to Ron’s carelessness. He had known that he was prone to falling but so often he took no care and many of the falls had been due to his own stupidity or sheer bloody mindedness. He had always been a stubborn so and so, thinking he could do everything when he couldn’t. It was true though, he had been feeling the strain of late. But this……….she never expected this. It was unthinkable. How would they manage for money? They had obligations. How would they pay for everything on benefits? There might be some money from his employer but not enough.

Kim looked around the small but comfy living room of their house. It was nothing special, and indeed the house was nothing special, but it was what they had always wanted. A house amongst the hills. They had moved to this place only eight years previous just after her father had died. Realising the shortness of life, they wanted to do all the things they had dreamed of before it was too late. So they had taken a risk, which was completely against both of their natures, and moved into rented accommodation in this new county. It was very beautiful here and Kim had spent many happy hours wandering the hills with her two dogs. One day whilst walking her dogs in the Hope Valley she had stopped for a few moments in the field through which ran a public footpath and gazed at the beauty of the surrounding hills, hardly able to believe that she actually lived here now. She had a sharp intake of breath as she thought of it all. Now, she would live and die in this place. Never again would she have to return to her home county which had been so full of trauma for her. She was at peace here, and nothing in the world would drag her away. She had made many friends here, many of them very colourful, and life never lacked interest or excitement. She had joined writing groups and met so many different kinds of people. Also she had become a Trustee of the Volunteer Centre where she had offered her services. There too she had met so many interesting people and had made some good friends. It was preposterous that Ron was now saying that they had to give up their life there and return to that grief ridden place that they had left only eight years ago.

It was all the bloody monk’s fault, she thought to herself. Some guru from goodness knows where. The dancing monk. Well, he could stuff his dancing as he had ruined her life. Saying that you had to shed yourself of all that was not necessary and live simply. Well blow that for a lark. They had to have money to live on and her new life was very necessary to her.

It was all too late now though. Ron had done it. Given in his notice without even telling her and now he was saying that the house would go up for sale immediately. With the money that it made they would pay off all their debts and have only a very small mortgage back where they had come from.

Kim thought and thought about it after Ron had made the announcement, and she did realise that something had needed doing. Sensibly he had to give up some of what he had been doing. It was so sad however that that meant work and their only means of survival.

TESS OF THE D’URBEVILLES. ANOTHER FAVOURITE BOOK

I do not remember exactly when I first read this book but I know it became one of my fabourites. I an no good at doing Book Reviews but I can just talk about books and how I felt about them. It is by Thomas Hardy and to be honest I do not like Thomas Hardy, having been introduced to him at school when we did The Mayor of Casterbridge. I hated that book. However I came by Tess of the D’Urbevilles at some point and it went right into my guts. All the terrible misfortunes of Tess and how badly treated she was. To me she was totally innocent and suffered a terrible fate at the hands of men mostly. She ended up laying down on the alter of sacrifice or at least that was what it was thought to be, after killing the man who raped her and the police came and got her and she was hung. I remember my very strong reaction at the end. I leapt up off my seat yelling “women are the sacrifice. Women are the sacrifice.” Rightly or wrongly, that was what I felt.

This experience led me to do my Ph.D. I wanted to look at violence against women and examine it. So that is what I did. I remember distinctly the man who was to become my Supervisor saying to me at my Interview,

“Of course you will have to look at the issue of sacrifice.” It seemd so weird as I had never told him about the book.

STARTED IN THE DARK

This got posted accidentally but I’ll leave it any way

Started in the dark
A life that was to be lived in the dark
A dark childhood
Formed by dark forces
The day she held me over the river
The raging foaming waters beneath me
A mere toddler
Singing in the dark
I remember
Singin away the dark forces
Protecting myself
From whatever was there
And then………

Death all around me
Darkened houses
A silent child
Tearing wallpaper off the walls
A cry of pain
And then at the time of blood
An assault
Dirty she said
You dirty little bugger
I’ll get you clean
Pushing my head into the water of the washing machine
Humiliation
Degradation
And then, later………..

She killed my babiesh
In the darkness of her world

Later again
Much much later
I saw her dance
Hands lifted up to heaven
Mocking
Scorning
Taunting
Come on devil
I worship you
And that what she had always done
My world was always dark
Until I found the light

THIS BRIDGE

In front of me is a bridge
Old rickety
Creaking in its weak places
Many souls have traversed its form
Beyond the bridge
Is an unknown world
Where I am a foreigner
In that land a different language
A different culture
Does this bridge
Provide a link
Between the two worlds
In the middle is there a place
Where hands stretched out can join
Is this bridge strong enough
Are the hands willing enough
Dare I venture onto this bridge
Once I danced on it
But now I have changed
Am a heavier load
Dare I chance the bridge

REST

HAD A VERY POORLY DAY TODAY AND THIS POEM SEEMS TO FIT THE DAY

Soon comes
The time to rest
Lie down my weary one
For everything there is a time
The earth
Holds you
Sleep dear child as the days grow cold
Until the sap rises
And you are strong
Again

NOTHINGNESS

Peace comes
In nothingness,
A void stripped naked, full
Of emptiness of surrender
The vain
Longings
For things which cannot ever last
That never truly feed
Or quench our thirst
For life

THE ROPE BROKE TODAY

The rope broke today
I hurtled into black space
Spun out of control

WHEN THE DARKNESS GROWS

When the darkness grows
Entering my very soul
Eating up my bones

WHEN THE NIGHT GETS DARKER

When the night gets darker
When you thought it could not get any darker
You know the depths of the abyss
And your soul dies within you
Even a tree can die
An axe laid to its roots
The life taken from it
All succour gone
In even the tree
The sap will not rise again.
Just like the tree
I will die silently

TENDER THE HEART

Tender
The heart of one
Who goes to the low place
Where you have been pushed, beaten, crushed,
Whose arm
Is strong
To lift you up and set you high
On the Rock of your dreams
And fills your soul

HOW IMPRESSIONABLE WE ARE

How impressionable we are when we are younger. Well, maybe not everybody, but I was. For some reason various people whom I saw as in authority kept on picking on me. I was not always the same as I am now, and they picked on my vulnerable points. A memory came back to me on awaking today that I did not like. It just reminded me of this fact, and of how damaging it was. People seemed to think they had the right to pick fault with me and then wanted to “fix” it. It turned me into someone who thought nothing but bad of herself. I was young then. It left its mark. However, in my forties I fought back. I changed completely. I changed into the outgoing and confident person that I now am. I think I became a bit bolshie too. Still am. As I have got older I have got even more bolshie and will tell people to sod off lol. I will not take any bullshit from people. I know myself and my own mind. We do change as we get older and get more and more experience of life. We have nothing to lose as we get older.

MEMORY

This is a repost of an older post

I see things in my memory’s eye
Like the birds that I hear singing,
For now I can only see shapes,
Colours merge into each other,
I see so clearly in my memory,
The birds that brought me life.

This dark world now is my life.
But the dark is only in my eye,
Light shines, in my memory,
My heart within is singing,
I can say no other,
Pure light, my life shapes.

In my time I have seen so many shapes,
Some good, some bad, that determined my life,
Sometimes one, sometimes the other,
On the good I tried to focus my eye,
So that my heart could keep singing,
All these things live on in my memory.

I live now in my memory,
Things take on so many shapes,
Never can I stop singing,
Whatever happens in my life,
I see now with more than my eye,
Not with anything other.

There are so many things but nothing other
Than the light of God lives on in my memory,
It shines not only in my eye,
But into my depths, my life it shapes,
Such light brings to me eternal life,
Everything in me is singing.

Sometimes I hear the angels singing,
Louder than any other,
Bringing to birth in me new life,
That doesn’t live just in my memory,
This for me eternity shapes,
In my spirit, my only eye.

I am not reliant on my eye, but on something other
To keep me singing, but not in my memory,
Something greater my future shapes, giving me eternal life.

IN THE DARK NIGHT I KNOW

In the dark night I know that
My words are making no sense
That language is impotent
We live in different worlds
No bridge between us

COMPARING PEOPLE TO OTHERS

Sadly I have observed how crass some people can be in comparing someone to someone else and making the decision that one of them is not doing as well as the other.

I have been around a bit and had all kinds of experience in life and have found this wherever I have been. Because one person is doing certain things then another in what seem to be the same circumstnaces should be the same. I have seen every bit of confidence drain from people who are trying really hard in their own circumstances. I once knew a deaf person and that person was compared with other deaf people unfavourably. I also had a best friend who suffered badly from tinnitus which is a horrible affliction. She struggled badly with it and found herself compared with others who suffered from the same affliction. She lost a lot of friends who had become very judgemental. I have seen people who suffer with depression compared with others unfavourable and it has caused a lot of further suffering and damage.

We should never compare one person to another because we will never know another person’s circumstances fully. It is my policy always to accept people just as they are and never to compare. In my life I have done many things and have learned a lot. Acceptance is the greatest gift that you can give to somebody.

THANKYOU RE MY PLEA REGARDING BLINDNESS AND EXPLANATION

Thankyou for all your kind responses to my plea for help in dealing with WordPress as a blind person. I need to explain more what the problem is.

I am aware that most bline posters use a laptop or desk top and JAWS. This enables them to do what they need to do.

I am unable to use a laptop or desk top due to my other disabilities. I am unable to bear the weight of a laptop on my lap and cannot sit at a desk or table. So I overcome it by using an iPad. This is lightweigt and has voice over on it for blind people.

Using this I too have become a published poet, but the problems weems to be with WordPress. There seems to be a glitch between voice over and WordPress. I do not know why but it may be an incompativility between Apple and WordPress. I am not sure. But I need to be able to overcome it so that I do not need the help of my husband so much. I have done very well indeed, as I only wnet totally blind a few months ago. Probably three months. I have managed to research and teach myself so much and have been deternined. And yes I have been published since going blind plus I have written a book that will be published soon. But it seems to be ain incompatability somewhere which makes voice over unable to function as it should. I can send and receive emails and write emails and replyy to people. So I just need to iron out this problem.

You have made some very kind responses and so thankyou.

THE SCREAM

The scream will not come
It is locked inside my heart
Comes out as a smile

CUT OFF

Cut off
From seeing worlds
Cut off by wrecked body
Struggling to climb the mountain dark
Surrounds
My soul
Language evades me in the dark
I speak differently
My own language
Cut off

DIARY ENTRY

I woke exhausted hardly able to wake up at all. Struggling to try and find tradesmen to help us is wearing us down again. Grab rails. We need grab rails. Urgently. We have been let down so many times. One said he would come last Thursday but he did not arrive. Said he forgot. Same one said he would come at noon on Sunday then said he had got us mixed up with someone else and could not come. Now he is saying he will come at five o’ clock tonight. Right across when Bob is trying to cook our meal. We have now told him not to come as we cannot cope with him at that time. Why do we have to be treated in this way this is just one thing that we are trying to get organised and done.

We become exhausted and downhearted with trying. I feel as if the whole damned world has gone mad. You can’t get tradesmen for love nor money. We can’t get an electrician either. God help us if we need a plumber.

CHEER UP YOU SAY

“Cheer up”
“Sunny side up”
“Be positive” you say
Inside me my heart is breaking
Tearing
Screaming
I curl my lips into a smile
Seeking your acceptance
Isolation
Kills me

Your face
Is hidden now
By the veil over eyes
That used to see, you can see me
I cannot see you, but
I know to smile
At you

How long
Can I bear this
Denial of my pain
To deliver what you want, false
Smiles gain
All or
Do they just put off the day when
I face my aloneness
Abandoned then
In night

This is
The Deep Dark Night
From which you run away
Telling me to be positive
Did you
Not know
That in these depths of pain I grow
The fruits of my labour
To offer you
One day

I CANNOT FORGET

I cannot forget
The divine essence of love
And the scars that healed

CHILDHOOD’S HORRORS MELT

Childhood’s melt
When the light begins to shine
In the heart of love

YOU FLINCHED

You flinched that day
When I told you
The truth you did not want to know
I wanted to destroy my woman’s body
Cut at my breasts
Until they were no more
To mutilate my body
You could not understand
Why I hated my body so much
And you were a counsellor
A rape counsellor
I told you about her too
My mother
Of how she too raped me
With instruments
How could I expect you to understand
And you wanted me to make a paper boat
And then drown it in the water
In the kitchen sink
Of the Rape Crisis Centre
As you drank pints of water
As if they were beer
Lips curled
Into a snarl as you drank
Wearing dangly earrings
That glistened in the sun
Clothes in lilac and pink
What a contradiction
Gestalt Counsellor you called yourself
Whatever that was
Special you were
But you knew nothing
And drew away
When I wanted to chop my breasts off
There are many who would understand
Who would stand with me
Knowing everything

UNTIL I FOUND THE LIGHT

Started in the dark
A life that was to be lived in the dark
A dark childhood
Formed by dark forces
The day she held me over the river
The raging foaming waters beneath me
A mere toddler
Singing in the dark
I remember
Singing away the dark forces
Protecting myself
From whatever was there
And then………

Death all around me
Darkened houses
A silent child
Tearing wallpaper off the walls
A cry of pain
And then at the time of blood
An assault
Dirty she said
You dirty little bugger
I’ll get you clean
Pushing my head into the water of the washing machine
Humiliation
Degradation
And then, later………..

She killed my babies
In the darkness of her world

Later again
Much, much later
I saw her dance
Hands lifted up to heaven
Mocking
Scorning
Taunting
Come on devil
I worship you
And that was what she had always done
My world was always dark
Until I found the light

CHALLENGES AND BEING BLIND ANY BLIND PEOPLE OUT THERE OR ANYONE WHO CAN HELP

Every morning my emails from WP come through from blogs that I am following. There are all the usual challenges in there and also other bloggers’ responses to challenges. I so much would like to join in these challenges but as a newly blind person I find I do not know how to get to them from my emails. Are there any blind people out ther who can help? Or anyone else for that matter. My activities on WP are so limited now and it irks me. I can make my posts and with help reply to comments but I cannot go to other peoples’ blogs and read and comment although when I have help I can get my cursor into the reply boxes and type out my own response. Is there anyone who can help please?

I am using an iPad and voiceover by the way.

THE BOOK REBECCA AND AZELEAS

My most favourite book of all time is Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier. I read it when I was in my teens and loved it so much that I could not stop reading it. I was mesmerised by it. I just loved that very first paragraph, and then the mystery of that place called Manderley. I got whilst I knew almost every sentence in that book. I thought the writing was so wonderful and wanted nothing more than to write like Daphne du Maurier. I did try once and entered a short story in a competition but of course it was rejected lol. But also I was fascinated by azeleas in the story. I had not seen azeleas before, and I determined that I must see some. Indeed I did see some azeleas in a garden centre and found that they came in all different colours but I loved the more delicate colours the most. Pale lemony yellow etc. Of course, I wanted some for my garden and we did grow quite a few azeleas in out time and I loved them. I never stopped reading Rebecca and perhaps I will read it again now lol. Of course I wanted a house like Manderley but never would I have anything like that. You can do wonderful things with the imagination can’t you. I imagined myself to be there and the sound of the sea drew me yet scared me at the same time. I decided that if ever I had a daughter I would call her Rebecca.g

As I loved Daphne du Maurier’s writing so much I then went on to read all of her books. All very different but I was hooked.

After that we read D.H. Lawrence’s book The Rainbow and again was mesmerised by it. We had to study that book for English Literature but my mother stole it from me because it had sex in it and she thought it disgusting. I loved the sex in it and the way in which it was presented. Of course I had to read all of D.H. Lawrence’s books then and I hid Lady Chatterley’s Lover from my mother. I needed to study his books then and see the progression of his ideas and the way in which he presented sex and love in his books. My mother would have had a duck fit. I read The Rainbow lots of times too and was fascinated by it. Needless to say I indulged in a few fantasies. Lol.

ROSARIE DE L’HAIE

I discovered this wonderful rose in the Lake District. I thought I had never seen anything so beautiful before. We were very young and it was my first holiday camping. I had had to be persuaded to go camping as the idea did not appeal, but I loved it. We were on our first climb. Well, it was not really much of a climb I suppose considering all the climbs that there are in the Lake District. It was very hot even though it was only May.

We had decided to climb up to Orrest Head just above Windermere. As we turned a corner on the climb, suddenly we found ourselves gazing at the most beautiful view of the lake. Not only that , but we had come upon these roses. The colour is almost impossible for me to describe, but I guess you would say magenta, only that is not quite right. They did not look like cultured roses at all, and they were a kind of bush. The bush was covered in roses. I just had to know what they were. I had never been a particular fan of roses but these were different.

At the same time as this we saw blue poppies for the first time, and they blew my mind away. Combined with the wonderful breathtaking view of the lake, it felt as if we were in heaven. The scent of the roses was out of this world too. Not a strong, heady scent but a very definite but delicate scent. I decided there and then that we must have both the roses and the blue poppies in our garden. When we got home we did indeed find a rose bush to purchase and also the blue poppies. The blue poppies needed special care as the sun must not get onto them in the early morning. They are very delicate and we did not know if we could get them to survive or not. But we did. And the rose bush too.

The one thing about these roses is that the bloom only lasts for one day. What could I make of that? All that beauty just for one day. But such beauty as to take your breath away. I will never forget our climb up to Orrest Head.

BLUE POPPY

I don’t remember which I saw first,
Your centre, bright yellow, open to the world,
Or your petals, wafer thin, deep in blue,
But as I looked I saw that you
Stood erect and proud,
Opening your heart to the world,
Offering pure yellow,
The sky darkened as I stood,
And a chill filled the air and my heart,
You closed your petals,
Covering over the bright yellow,
Now you were sad,
Now you needed to protect yourself against every blow,
I saw, as I watched, how easily you could be crushed,
Yet how strong you were,
In that moment
You offered yourself
And your truth to me

WORLD OF DARKNESS

I progress haltingly through this world of darkness
My very bones cry out
White bloodless
My face pallid with the effort
Sweat moistens my brow but I have no hands
It cannot be wiped away
My body protests
Crying out against the onslaught
I feel myself stumble
I almost fall
Out there is the real world
Where there is light
Where people can see
Where there is activity
I return to my bed
And the darkness

WHAT I DID IN GRANGE OVER SANDS

At Grange Over Sands you can watch a line of people making their way across the sands to Morecambe at the other side of the bay. They are following a Guide who is testing the ground to see where the quicksands or rather sinking muds are. It is a very dangerous journey across the bay and many throughout the years have lost their lives. Not only are there sinking sands but the tide comes in very quickly. Some have said it comes in faster than galloping horses. You can very easily get cut off and you have to watch the tide times very closely if you are to walk that path across the bay. Many holidaymakers do it for fun. I don’t think I would like to do it. I bought and read a book once, written by the Guide and he had some stories to tell. At Cartmel Priory there are many graves of the dead who got caught out on the crossing. In the old days people would cross in a horse drawn carriage. It was the best and shortest route from the North to the South and vice versa. The other way, by road, or whatever it was in those days, was even more dangerous, in many people’s minds, because of highwaymen. Cartmel is a wonderful place and there used to be an amazing book shop there and you could find all sorts of old books and the owner of the shop was an attraction in himself. He took snuff all the time, and was forever sneezing. You had to watch out for the spray. But he knew his history.

Whenever we went camping in the Lake District we visited Grange Over Sands and Cartmel. It was the highlight of our holiday. I never did go on the sands though lol

THE LAST GOODBYE

Sitting
On the sand dunes
We watched your ship go by
Did my mother love me he’d said
Lying
Was best
Yes she did love you very much
Soon he’d be in new lands
The long goodbye
Was said

DARK CAVE

Dark cave,
Treasures abound,
Jewels, gems of the night,
Shining brightly in the darkness,
Enter
Into
The cave of your heart that waits now,
Patiently, your entrance
Seals the threshold
Of life

CANDLELIT EVENINGS

Candlelit evenings
Inviting us to loving
Caressed in your warmth

LENGTHENING DAYS

Lengthening days time
Passing as the earth moves round
Dark turning to light

SNOWDROPS GREETING ME

Snowdrops greeting me
Tell tales of pain and sorrow
Dancing in the breeze

OH HOW I LONG

Oh how I long
For the blue of the sea
The waves that wash over me
Cleansing my soul
Energising my mind
Giving me back my life
Oh how I long

Beyond the horizon

I see
The horizon
In the distant yonder
What is beyond it is heaven
Really
Calling
My heart it yearns to find its rest
Blue skies with ne’er dark clouds
That plague my life
Today

SITTING BY THE BRIDGE

Sitting by the bridge I think
Of the days that have gone since I found you
Seasons in the light and dark
As now the days grow longer

Days have gone since I found you
Many just an endurance test
But now the days grow longer
My heart begins to smile

Days that are just an endurance test
Have formed me as who I am
My heart begins to smile
As I wait for summer to come

Days have formed me as what I am
In fortitude I plant my feet
As I wait for the summer to come
I know there is hope again

In fortitude I plant my feet
No one can take me from my path
I know there is hope again
Whatever trials may come

No one can take me from my path
For I know I walk in the truth
Whatever trials may come
I stand firm on my chosen path

I know I walk in the truth
Discovered through many years
I stand firm on my chosen path
Unwavering and solid

Discovered through many years
Of suffering and pain
Unwavering and solid
It will hold me to the end

Of suffering and pain
I have known so very much
Sitting by the bridge I think
Of the days that have gone since I found you

MORE THOUGHTS ON MAKING ONES SELF VULNERABLE

Over the past few weeks I have posted certain things in my blog out of sheer distress. As I have said many times before, it was not what my blog was meant for. Everyone has been very kind, understanding and supportive. Thankyou. Just recently this has morphed into a tirade against our shitty system for it certainly is that and indeed it IS broken and many have publicly stated that. We have come under this system ourselves and it can make you feel desperate. In fact we are quite private people and we find all this very difficult. We are by nature strong and independent people and we know our own minds, but even the strongest can get worn down by this shit. I did get very very low. Having to fight so strongly for everything over a long period of time and getting rejection after rejection after rejection becomes very wearing and you end up coming to the end of your tether and start thinking about things you never thought about before. Bad things. It is called desperate and does not denote the strength or weakness of anyone at all. The strongest of peope get worn down to such a state by all of this shit. When you are ill and blind too and you prime Carer is also struggling it becomes very frightening. We are not weak people but just sometimes we shatter. Particularly me. I would invite anyone to walk in our shoes and see what happens to them.

I have made myself very vulnerable by posting as I have done, and sometimes I have regretted it, but, having no friends or family I did not know where to turn. But I have received some things that were very judgemental and critical. I will not go into details but it happens on all forums or public platforms. We know that. I just say sod off to such people.

I have been thinking about the wisdom of talking about what is going on for us, but in the first place I just felt so appalled at and disgusted with what people like us have to suffer at the hands of the powers that be. We have lost people in our town due to this. People dying behind closed doors and no one ever missing them. It is appalling that that can happen. I had a friend who found himself in a similar position in a block of flats. He was a strong man. He had been a North Sea fisherman, out on the trawlers. A hard life. Even he buckled.

I hate judgementalism. I hate superciliousness. I have received things full of that.

I am thinkiing about how to use my blog as I feel worried about making myself so vulnerable but on the other hand it has its values. It opens people’s eyes. It brings things out into the open. It has also brought me personally support that was worth its weight ib gold from all of you.

We will see where my thoughts go in future. Lorraine

PATH

My path
Was chosen, hard
Though it seems to many,
A path that gave me peace, darkness
Held me,
Embraced
Who and what I was, broken, blind,
Took me to its centre,
Siren voices
Stole me

Your dark
That glows is turned
To light, bask in the light,
Cast aside the darkness, better
Is the light I offer,
Seductive is
The word,
I take
My own path once again, find peace,
Within the cloud, unknown
Is my future,
I walk

SORRY ABOUT THE VENT BUT PIG SICK

I feel as though I am always venting and bringing bad news. I hate doing this but I feel as if I am in a train wreck. Everything we try goes wrong. Has someone put a curse on us lol. Seriously, I do wonder what is going on. I hope I can report some good news soon.

Oh yes I can. Some snowdrops are out in our garden. It is a sheltered spot and there they are. White and beautiful

WHAT WE HAVE DISCOVERED

What we have discovered over the past few years since we became more reliant upon outside services is that so few are honest. We have had all sorts of experiences. Many were bad but some were good. However, what did happene was that on paper things looked good, but it was all window dressing. At the beginning of the pandemic we said to our cleaning company that we could not afford to have anyone in the house who had possible symptoms of Covid as I had to be shielded. I am not going to go into details on that one. We said that even if someone did not come we would still pay them the money so that no one lost out. However without our knwing, one cleaner came with symptoms of Covid. Her kids had had it. We always had to have two girls in at a time cleaning as that was how the company worked. One time one of the girls told us that the other girl had come with symptoms but not told us. We were very upset by this.

We have had numerous bad experiences then we found this company whom we have just lost. They seemed good. But once again it turned out to be window dressing. It is very upsetting. It isn’t as if they did not cost a lot of money. This was one of the more expensive firms because we thought it might safeguard us a bit. It did not. We were told today that we should rip all our carpets out and replace them with hard floors. There is nothing wrong with our carpets. They are not old. It seemd that everything was wrong. In fact we realised that these were excuses. So now we are left with the problem again of finding a company. It is not an easy job.

I AM EVEN ANGRIER NOW LOL

We had to have a Meeting this afternoon with the Owner of Diamond Lives who provided Nicky our cleaner for us. On their leaflets and brochures etc they list cleaning as one of their jobs. Anyway we have lost Nicky. She does not want to clean. She sees herself as above that. So it all came to an end this afternoon. We lost even our cleaner. She was brilliant at cleaning too, but she doesn’t want to do it. So we have contacted a purely cleaning company whom we employed before the pandemic and we have asked if they have any spare cleaners. They say they may be able to provide us with a cleaner. I hope so. I just feel so angry at the way people are not honest and are messing us about. I had been thinking that we should put an adverst in a store on their adverts board asking for staff for us but we don’t want to get tied up in tax and National Insuramce. Also how do you know that the person sitting in front of you being interviwed is ok? But it would in a way be great because they could not mess us about like this. Humph

DIVINE ANGER

Know
Anger
Is divine
Even Jesus
Gave in to anger
Caused a hullabalo
Aimed at those who were cheating
Taking money from the poor ones
To satisfy God’s desire for blood
No, anger is not wrong but so healthy

OUR SOCIAL CARE SYSTEM STILL BROKEN

As stated below that possible way through into getting more help came to nothing. We were deceived with fine words again. Words that had no substance. They were meant just to shut us up. I will explain. It is disgusting the way they play with people.

When we approached Social Services agaiin in dire need, they took down our plea. The next thing we knew was that I received an email from someone called Colleen at the Family Care Team i was asked to ring her. I did so, heart in mouth.

Colleen told us as my husband was listening too and the phone was on speaker so he could join in too, she was a worker in the Family Care Team who deal with Carer’s issues. But she told us that one day a week she works for Social Services Access Team as well because they are so stretched and cannot deal with all those who need help.

Colleen said that if she dealt with my husband’s needs, and my husband is called Bob so I will call him that, it would help me also. She indicated that we would get extra bodies in our house to help Bob. She would come to our house and do an assessment on us. But she would be doing that not as Social Services. We were promised the earth by her.

On the appointed day which was this Tuesday she went sick. She did not come.

We received in an email the Carer’s leaflet with all that they offer Carers. Everthing involved Bob going out to a group or something. He would have to leave me alone. That is dangerous with me as a newly blind person who cannot walk except very short distances like a few steps with a walking frame. We realised that it was all window dressing with no actual goods to be had. We had been deceived again. Why am I not surprised?

Anger

Anger
Red hot fire
Burning like hell
Stoked by cruelt
Indifference
Arrogance
Judgementalisn
Foreign to me
But now it lives
Within me
My fuel
I am indifferent now to the boxes
That you try to put me in
My anger
Will burn down
The walls of the boxes
I will escape
And you will be stunned
Shocked
But you will see me live

LIFE FORCE

Inside
Life force
Stronger than anything else
In pain
In sorrow
In suffering
Strong in weakness
It flickers
A living flame
Sometimes seeming to die
But gasping back into life at the last
One day it will die
One day
But for now
It lives
Suffers
And grows

THOSE SHOES

Over there
Shoes
They are mine
Battered
Out of shape
Not shiny
Scuffed
Uncomfortable
Here
My feet
Bruised
Blistered
Tired
Please
If you will
Put on my shoes
I invite you to go on a journey
It will be different
It might hurt
You will want to give up along the way
You will have to pick yourself up often
You will need strength of character
You will need determination
Oh how you will want to give up
And some days you might
But in the end
You will want to live
Wondering
About this life

IN THIS PLACE

In this place awash
With love you carry me souls
Going home to rest

MOUNTAIN

Mountain
How high are you
Mist covers your summit
I see a winding path ahead
Hard rocks
Steep slopes
Can I really gaze at the world
From that majestic place in joyous song
Heaven

I HEAR YOU WHISPER

I hear you whisper
In the silence of the night
Beneath twinkling stars

FLYING HIGH

Flying high iin skies
That called them to their dancing
Courtship magical

DIARY ENTRY. ANOTHER UPDATE

Well, I posted the other day that there seemed to be a ray of hope with regard to our situation. Sadly it turned out to come to nothing.

As you may have realised I have gone through a time of blackness because of what we are going through. However, we have made plans to attempt to do various things in the house to ensure that my husband is safe and does not fall any more. He fell again the other night which freaked us both out. However on Friday we have a handyman coming who will put lots more grab rails up in the house. Additionally he is trying to find a way of making the ramp that goes from our front door to the car better for me. At present I have become afraid of walking down it to the car. I used to just walk into the complete darkness but I got too afraid to do it after I nearly fell. So we are hoping that something can be done with that.

We already have Nicky coming for three hours on a Friday afternoon and she cleans and does one or two other things but this costs us fifty pounds just for that three hours. But the owner of that Company is visiting us tomorrow with a view to us having a second three hour slot each week. We feel we cannot afford it as that would mount up to one hundred pounds a week. But we will see.

Our situation has not improved much but we are doing what we can to look after ourselves.

DARE

Take this day and live it
Break illusions, let them go
Wake to better things, and dance
Shake the world in your energy flow

Wear with pride your new self
Tear away old skins
Share your heart with those you meet
Dare to be the one who wins