THE DARKNESS CONSUMES ME

The darkness was the worst I have ever known. The contrast between the light and the dark was stark. In a way, the light called to the darkness and the darkness heeded it. The darkness was the most terrible place I had ever been. It was the end. I was in a different place to everyone else. I was not in this world and I could see the light and the dark so clearly. I needed to step off this world. I was alone. No one else could reach me. I could not speak. I was paralysed. I sat, rigid. I could not communicate. All that I could do was look at the bright light light that illuminated the dark and showed me how dark it really was. My life it was dark. There was no light in it at all. I was tired. Tired of struggling. Tired of trying to pull myself up. I had lost all strength. All I could was go into that dark place that was really light. The darkness consumed me. It was my end.

GIFT OF ROSES

With a gift of roses you touched my world,
One where I lived in my isolation,
Cut off by blindness, my anguish unfurled,
In a silence of sore separation,
I ached for a touch that would break my pain,
Something to bring life to my hurting soul,
Of comfort there seemed not even a grain,
But your gift broke through, and made me feel whole,
In your kindness you gave a healing touch,
Joy broke through then and shattered the silence,
You gave today what I needed so much

A STORY

The scene that was playing out before my eyes was horrific. It was a cold, dark rainy night in November and my mother was on her death bed. Her end was Imminent and my brother and sister were going at it hammer and tongs at the foot of her bed. It seemed to me that all the madness that was my family was coming out in that moment. Inside I felt sick. A revulsion filled my spirit. It was not that I was not used to this, I was. It had been the story of my life, but even death could not be sacred. I turned to the nurse who was about to give my mother her final morphine injection and said,

Look at them. Nuts.

My sister turned on me violently. I got up as hastily as I could, for I was blind and slowly left the room. I knew that I had no option, for if I had stayed, all hell would have been let loose. A knife was cutting into me as I left the room. The same knife that had been cutting into me for over seventy years. My mother had attempted to abort me and the madness had followed me right the way through my life. There had been many scenes like this one, but this one was the most unholy one of all. My body had begun to shake and tremble, just as it had so many times in the past. I needed to distance myself from it, but I wanted desperately to be there at the moment of my mothers death. For all that this woman had done to me, all that I wanted for her was peace at the end. It was not to be. I was told, later, by my brother and sister of how her death was, and it was far from peaceful. She died in the turmoil that had marked all our lives, and more particularly mine. In a way, it seemed inevitable that she would die a death like this, for she had been the instigator of so much that was bad in our family. It was now over though, but time would show that what she had put in this life lived on after her.

TREASURES OF THE DARKNESS

A few years ago I had a very strange experience with the darkness. I was virtually completely blind but could still tell light from darkness. I was having a terrible time with people not understanding that I simply could not see them if they smiled and waved at me without speaking to me. I was harangued for this and called a snob and stuck up. It happened in a church and I was treated as the sinner and told I had the sin of pride. I had already had some very bad experiences as a blind person and this cut me to the bone. Inside I shrivelled up and became like a stone. Nothing could reach me. I had died a death inside. I was newly blind and trying to learn how to function as a blind person. It was hard.

On this day I was ready to give up completely. It was almost as a zombie that I made my way to a little church right out in the countryside that was very isolated. It was a place that I had often gone to to find peace but I had no expectations on this day. I just went there almost out of habit. I went into the church on my own and sat there in the dark. It was night time and the darkness was very dark. I felt unreachable, but suddenly I had the strangest experience of the darkness putting its arms putting its arms around me like a mother and comforting me. I could not understand what was happening to me but it changed me utterly. I left that church a completely different person to the one that had entered that place. It made me go on a journey to discover the gems that the darkness holds. I entered a mystical darkness and just a physical one. Much of this is inherent in my poems. I am still travelling in the darkness and trying to discover its treasures. I have good days and bad days but I know that there are still glories to be found.

AWOL

I have beeb Absent Without Leave. Whilst my poems are still appearing I have been learning how to use a a Bluetooth external keyboard connected to my iPad. I have finally mastered it and now can type normally as if on a laptop. It has been very hard work and has been exhausting but worthwhile. This has been interspersed with periods of illness and pain. I have been responding to comments as and when I can. My husband does read them all to me. I am hoping that my typing venture is going to enable me to finish the book about my life, unfortunately health issues cause problems but I am trying to press on through it. I will still be present on my blog but still with help from hubby. Thank you for your continued support.

DECEPTIONS

When this life is over as sure it soon will be
Where then will the birdsong go that joined in tune for me?
Is there then another life awaiting in the wings?
Or will the dust that’s on the ground become the thing that stings?

Can we imagine our lives gone and nothing to remain
Except the call of the mourning dove in grief for a life that wanes?
We make up talk of heaven above a place where we will go
But do we know it’s really there, that what we’re taught is so?

How many lies have we believed in our time on this earth?
Deceptions cruel that cut our hearts in pieces of no worth
How many masks have people worn when talking love to us?
How many words that were of nought creating such a buzz?

Some tell us that we will be safe no fear must then remain
Reaching out and speaking words that are their own refrain
Illusions live within these words to wrap around our soul
One day my friend your pain will go and then you will be whole

So take this Bread I offer you believe in what I say
It will go in be part of you until another day
But soon that Bread becomes as nought, broken like your life
And words remembered come to you and cut you like a knife

And so the dust will be your home the soil will be your clay
Hardened like your heart within no words now can you pray
Just leave me now to die my death alone in this hard world
Illusions gone and lies all dead deceptions all unfurled

CLOSER THAN YOUR OWN BREATHE

Closer
Than your own breath
Is the comfort you seek
In Love do we have our being
Though pain
Darkens
Our spirits, we reach out and touch
That which is deep within
And find that Love
Waiting

Dark nights
Of weeping leave
Us weak, our hearts open,
In our weakness we find our true strength
In love
Inside
That will never let us go, holds
Us safely in strong arms
Absorbing tears
That fall

Seeking,
You will find rest,
Deep peace beyond measure
It is not far away, but here,
Your heart
Knows it,
Go inside your heart, dear child, lay
Your head down on Love’s breast,
Cry your tears and be soothed,
Trust in this Love,
So deep

MINDLESS

Life used to be fast
Before I was stripped laid low
Now it is humdrum

Each day is the same
Excitement is not my lot
Sometimes my mind goes

Absent Without Leave
What is life without a mind?
I better find it

Ah, I found it here
In the middle of WordPress
Amongst my good friends

VALIANT SOUL

To wake to the growing light
In the shadow of yesterday’s pain
Breathing fresher air
With hope for a clear day
Is a joy unknown to those
Whose path is bright
And as the new day comes to birth
So does my soul awake
Knowing well the treasures
Of the darkened path
And the potential for the redemption
Of each piercing pain
Though this path is hard
It cannot destroy the valiant soul
And one day we will wake
To an endless day
Where pain is no more
And tears do not ceaselessly flow
Where pure peace is our reward
O march on valiant souls
Your day will come

TOUCH ME TAKE ME

Touch me
With your wildness
The rhythm of your life
Magnetic
Exuberant
But wild
Stir me up
And dance with me
In the wild anger
The wild joy
The wild compassion
That seeks souls
Shout with me
About injustice
And innocent blood shed
Take me to the mountains
The high places
The rocks
Where wildness finds its home
Oh wildness
Touch me
Take me

ASH

I looked round today and
all I saw was ash,
The ash of my life, spent,
The flame gone out, dead dreams on the ground in rubble.

The scene was bleak, my eyes
Beheld no beauty,
All was ugly, spent now,
I stood there stripped, knowing I could not pick up ash.

Dreams disintegrated,
Hope gone for ever,
Nothing to re-ignite,
Barrenness was my empty companion today.

But suddenly I heard
A voice, saying “Sing,”
What song could I sing now,
Here in this strangest of strange lands, alien now?

The voice insisted, “Sing”
I opened my mouth,
But no sound would come out,
“ Tell me how to sing,”
“Caged birds can sing, but you don’t have a cage, just sing.”

I looked around again,
I couldn’t see ash,
I saw the makings of
A new world, building bricks,
Beauty from ashes, I opened my mouth and sang.

FOWC

https://fivedotoh.com/2022/06/24/fowc-with-fandango-scene/

My father was a very talented man despite being a terrible rogue. He was a Script Writer and Produced his own shows. He ran a concert party called The Catherine Wheels. Even as a child I had a part in them. On one famous occasion I was a wicked gnome and I had to give the most evil cackle that I could muster up. I tell you, it did end up as formidably evil.

There was always a wonderful SCENE at the end when the whole Cast came on stage and sat around singing wonderful songs and my father would do a solo and I would do one too. We had the most beautiful costumes on and it was done under florescent lighting which was spectacular.

STATE OF AFFAIRS

At this point I am not coping with blindness coupled with immobility and constant pain. Looking at blackness all day from my bed is driving me crazy. I have listened to that many audible books and have run out of decent ones. I feel like I am in a tomb. I am only able to write little bits at a time and I wanted to get my book done. I never see anybody or talk to anybody because of the virus. I think I am going stir crazy.

IF ONLY

Outside the church the tall oak stood
Centuries old this ancient wood
So much life it had seen pass by
Never asking the question why
Though much had died in life’s deep flood

Springtime saw the tree in bud
Life rising now that felt so good
Raptors dancing in the sky
Outside the church

Life’s pain is never understood
If only like the birds we could
Fly up in the sky so high
Letting out a joyful cry
Free from sorrows sinking mud
Outside the church