BOOTSTRAPS

Sometimes I think that I have no bootstraps left, or that they are just beyoned my reach. I don’t even try to reach them because I am too weak in body to reach them. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I long to be able to reach them, just as if they were stars, shining in the darkness. But I know that I can’t. My body is now so weak at times that I can hardly drag myelf to the bathroom. It was like that last night. My skin was in such a terrible state,itching and hurting and I didn’t even know where to put myelf. I prayed that at least I could fall asleep but I had had no sleep at all the previous night and so was terrified of the night. However, I took pain killers and surprisingly I got six hours sleep. I could hardly beleive it. When I woke, I didn’t want to wake up at all because I knew that the itch would start up straight away. I tried not to move, but of course in the end I had to. I groaned as I started to move, fearing the worst. And having no bootsrtaps that I could reach and pull up. I did get to the bathroom but in fear of the consequences. I can’t bear noise at all right now. I need silecne in order to deal with things. I have to concentrate on not scratching the itch.

I got back into bed and had a drink. The itch was there but manageable but fear was very strong in me. It never stays dormant for vry long. If I scratch it, it makes it worse. It is all over my body. There is nothing to be seen on the skin.

I have only just had my breakfast and it is gone one o’ clock. Now the itch is ramping up again. I am crying.

I managed to post this morning as I did find my bootsraps in the end and did pull them up. I posted about Hope the dog, and wonder of wonders managed to write a sonnet. I just don’t know how, but I did.

Now I have to face the afternoon with the itch getting progressively worse. I a so worried.

I am fearing the blood test results but they won’t come until next week. Is this the cancer back? Or a different one soming to assault me?

I am having a great deal of trouble finding any spiritual way through this at all. But ther is no physical way. I a lost. Totally lost. I am alone. And frightened.