I’ve posted this before I think, but it feels relevant to me right now:-

Through the mullioned windows I saw the sheep,
Illuminated by the sun,
As I gazed at them my spirit danced,
Then they disappeared behind the hill,
Now, again, all seemed dark,
I waited, hoping that they would come back.

To my delight they soon came back,
Huge was this flock of sheep,
When they returned it was no longer dark,
Again I could see the sun,
But they went again, behind the hill,
So I got on my feet and danced.

I remembered another dark day when I’d danced,
Though I knew he was not coming back,
With him I climbed that enormous hill,
Rugged, just as it was for the sheep,
I longed for him to see the sun,
So his journey would not be so dark.

I danced at his bedside that day in the dark,
Holding hands, we danced,
Many days we had spent in the sun,
But now I knew he was not coming back,
So my heart danced as I saw the sheep,
Coming out from behind the hill.

He once climbed that enormous hill,
Sometimes in the sun, sometimes in the dark,
I thought of him when I saw the sheep,
And remembered how we had danced,
Soon, none of us will be coming back,
May we always see the sun.

Even when in the dark we remember the sun,
Letting it guide us up the hill,
The one thing we know, we can never turn back,
Be forever in the dark,
All that will matter is how we danced,
May we take our cue from the sheep.

Sheep climb safely up the hill,
Whether in the sun or the dark,
I remember how on a dark day I danced, never looking back


Just an apology if I have not responded to your lively comments on my poems. I am continuing to post, but as I have been unsell, not been able to sit up for too long, to reply to everyone. I am still going to post, and will get to everybody as soon as possible. You are all GREAT people. Many thanks for continuing to read my stuff. Xx


What is this thing called Time, that I am in?
Does it really go on for ever?
If there is eternity I don’t want it.

Time holds nothing but black……..birds weeping
Out their blackness until it fills
The space that is left

The black space grows, swallows up eternity
I don’t want eternity, not even to live
In this black pool

Black……birds sing
Do they?
Do you hear their song?
Or the cry of their black falling?

Black leaks
Falls into black, take back the night
I don’t want it.


I never expected to see it,
Not here,
Not now,
Not ever,
A black spectre,
Blacker than black itself,
Masquerading as a human being.
The spectre shuffled,
Then was still,
And amongst the black i saw
A crescent,
Whiter than white itself,
Thin narrow strip of piety,
Dazzling me,
From blackest black,
Like row of teeth
Once seen,
Smiling, glistening, ludicrous,
Fixed in deceptive smile.
I never wanted to see him,
Not here,
Not now,
Not ever.
But i did,
Why shouldn’t i have?


How do I know You love me when so far
Are you remote from us beyond the stars?
How can I ever know You as You are
While here on earth held by my prison bars?
Here in my loneliness I cry to You
Knowing from traces that You are the Light
I need Your Light to touch me, see me through
Get me through the darkness of this long night
If only You would come to earth to dwell
That we could see Your face and know Your smile
Oh that we could know that all is well
If only for a very little while
And then I heard You gently telling me
“I came one day to earth to set you free.”


And when you can not go without
Go within
For there is no safer place to be
The cocoon of your true self
Which will always love you
And set you free
Without is full of illusions
Deceptions myriad
But within
You will find truth


O.K. So on Monday I had an “accident.” Still suffering from it. I was trying to get into my Church for Mass, and the outer doors into the corridor that leads into the Church are not disabled friendly. In fact they are illegal. They do not comply with either the Building Regulations or the Law.

So, there I was, in my power chair, blind, but wanting to get into Church for Mass. I need to be there. It is contact with people, for me, which I have very little of.

So, I approach the doors, which are huge heavy double doors, and as I get to them I stop, think for a minute how to open them. I know that the only way to do it is to guide my power chair in with my left hand on the jotstick whuch is on the right hand side of my power chair, and pull the right hand doir open with my right hand. The left hand door actually is fixed and does not open. Sooooo, I get this big heavy door part open but my arm will not stretch far enough to get it fully open. Never mind – I angle my power chair a little bit diagonally and then guide it through with my left hand, which is stretched across my body. Get the picture? No, I know, it’s hard.

At a certain point I have to let go of this right hand door to allow myself to move forwards. This I do, but SUDDENLY I find myself spinning at breakneck speed round to the left. I do an almost 180 degree turn, crashing into a metal sign board as I do. I am not sure where I end up, but I let out a HUGE yell as I hit the sign board. My body is always in pain anyway, so this is NOT good news. I am stunned for a few minutes, and do not quite know how I am going to get out of this mess. But my yell is enough to wake the dead, so someone eventually arrives from inside the Church, asking if I am okay. NO I AM NOT!

Well, I spend the rest of the day in shock. We report the accident to the priest, who says he will write it in the accident book!

Then, I am left. Just to get on with it.

I have had a week of bad pain, plus nervous shock. So if my poetry seems a bit black or “down” that is why. I am pissed off, fed up, and feeling angry and sorry for myself. No one from the Church, least of all the priest, has been by.

Sorry for the rant!


They were all gone
Berries plump with new life
Already their life had journeyed
Plucked from
Green tree
As the summer sun died in skies
Now grey, winter waiting
Offstage, while birds
Feast, store…….

To see them through
Dark days and raging storms
We too have a banquet prepared
Take, eat,
The delights there for the taking
Your soul
And live through the darkest of nights
Sustained by Love offered
Freely, just take
And live


Sitting under the rowan tree
I know this place is hallowed
I hear feet walking,
Bells tolling,
Souls weeping
People chattering
I hear steps that are light
Steps that are heavy
Steps that are gay
Steps laden with sorrow,
I sit in the dark
I sit in the light
With the sun, the moon, the stars,
In the rain
In the heat
In the wind
My soul aching, laughing, singing, sighing, striving,
With those who have gone before,
And somehow all is sacred,
All is held in the seamless robe of time become eternity,
And I know
Without a doubt
That this place is hallowed
I sit on hallowed ground


The grey will give way
To the Bright Morning Star
And once again
This olden path
Will sing to the music of the wise
Who know where true joy is to be found
And once again
The bells will ring
And those who have ears to hear will hear


My truth dark though
It is, it is my life
Is not my life valuable
Though maimed
And torn
Honey coated words do not help
Illusions cannot live
Long in my heart
Pain is

My God
Why have You gone
Is what His Son once cried
Can you behold the pain of Him
Who knew
I too live in the deep darkness
That covers my whole land
Away you run
In fear

Is there
Not one to hold
My hand in the darkness
Walking beside me patiently
The truth
Through my blind eyes in deep waters
Let us walk together
Through flood and fire
My friend


Once there was a man
Who stole the key to my soul
He keeps it because he can

It always was his plan
He created my role
Once there was a man

When it all began
He only had one goal
He keeps it because he can

I am the also ran
Who fell into the hole
Once there was a man

My life is now a sham
I hear the death knell toll
He keeps it because he can

Slaughtered is the lamb
I hear the thunder roll
Once I knew a man


Build me a padded room,
And build it soon,
I’m going to shout, shout, let it all out,
Paint a room bright red,
Play raucous music on my radio,
With the windows down,
Become a noise polluter.
I’m going to run into Boots and shout Shoes,
I’m going to create non-Newtonian flowers
That hang from the sky and don’t come down.
I’m going to wear Union Jack knickers
And flash them at Dog Obedience class,
I’m going to go bra-less and knickerless through Leek buttermarket,
And buy lavender and pinks and sweet williams for the garden,
I’m going to see Freddie Starr,
Nd fart and blow raspberries.
I’m going to get a condom
And fill it with His Nibs holy words,
So’s they can’t get into me.
I’m going to bathe in a tin bath in the garden,
Early in the morning,
With the dew on my face.
I’m going to kiss the sky,
And hold a cloud,
And then blow it away – gently.
I’m going to walk on water,
And find – that i can float.
I’m going to go down Baslet market,
And stare Her Nibs in the face,
And dance in front of her.
I shall dance, dance,
Like the yellow on the end of a piece of wood,
Until there is no more pain,
And then i’ll be me,
And everyone will know and hear me,
And i’ll be alive again.
Build me a padded room
And make it soon.


Under the tree she nursed her soul
Life’s vagaries had taken their toll
Around her the weeping branches formed
A safe place where she could for now be warmed
And given back peace that abuse once stole

All she had known was cruel control
Deception had always been his role
She contemplated a life deformed
Under the tree

She’d fallen into many a hole
Love had never been his goal
Within her heart emotions stormed
No one had spoken or even warned
Her of his past, now love she scorned
Under the tree


Voice do you speak
In dulcid tones like dew
Sitting in the early morning
On leaves
Or do you speak in blaming tones
Telling me of my sin
How do I know
The truth

For long
Siren voices
Sang to me in sweetness
Telling me that they loved me true
Knives ready to stab my soft heart
But now I hear silent
Voices calling
In love

The dew
Is gentle now
Just like the inner voice
Telling me that all is well now
And ever shall be well for love
Shall rule
My heart
Not fear or blame but acceptance
Of all
I am
And now I rest caressed by dew
Refreshed made whole again
Speak, inner voice
The truth


The darkness flows into our mortal lives,
Unasked for, unexpected, sure it comes,
For the most part every one of us strives
To dispel that which now before us looms,
But as it beckons we must enter in,
Embracing it, not fighting its advent,
Fighting it will never help us to win
The fruits that grow within what has been sent,
Within the darkness gems are to be found,
And soon we will discover our true self,
To the things that hold us we will not be bound,
In letting go we find a greater wealth,
Only the darkness can deliver us
And make us free without incurring loss


We stopped today under the motorway bridge,
Traffic roared above our heads,
Birdsong rose above the roar,
Clear and pure in summer’s air.

Traffic roared above our heads,
Unexpected was the sound,
Clear and pure in summer’s air,
Piercing our hearts exquisitely.

Unexpected was the sound,
Birds sing sweet in strange places,
Piercing our hearts exquisitely,
Nature deafening traffic’s roar.

Birds sing in strange places,
Under concrete, tar and steel,
Nature defeating traffic’s roar,
Nothing can ever silence them.

Under concrete, tar and steel,
Sounds and senses mix and throb,
Nothing can ever silence them,
We stopped today under the motorway bridge.


Tolls skies
Are blackened
A cry rises
Strangled in the night
Death has come to this house
Pale dawn brings nothing but fear
And a loud beating in the breast
How did we come to be in this place?
There is never any escaping death


Bring to light that which is hidden
Nestling deep in the darkness
Sing into being that which should live
Wing your chosen way onwards

Do not fear the deep waters
You were once held in this ocean
Too many times you stood at the edge
New life is yours for the taking


Fill fields
That opened
Their storehouse full
Each eating their fill
In autumn’s offering
Soon will come the time to sleep
And the harshness of winter’s cold
But now they head home towards the east
To find protection in the growing dark


Trees wave gently in autumn sun
Grieves my heart for the coming cold
Leaves fall down in the midst of glory
Heaves my soul in this time of gold

Blue and white will soon take their toll
Through the dark night I’ll wither
Too many times I’ve given in
Do your worst, gold come hither


I fly into the arms of pain
Taken there by Fate
Cruel beyond degree
Once I flew to the clouds
Danced in the sky with the birds
Gay, carefree and abandoned
Now I am just abandoned
Into the arms of pain
Each hour, each minute it rises
My throat constricts
Now there is no song
Only eyes, staring
“Take this pain away”
They say
And even if anyone hears
The cry from the depths
They stand helpless
Fate has strong arms
And it decides
No one can unlock its mind
Its arms tighten on me
There is no getting away
I am locked
A prisoner to pain
Pills swallowed
Stuck in my throat with my voice
They make good bedfellows
Each impotent
And I?
My bedfellow is relentless pain
Born in the hands of Fate


Looking back over her life of darkness
Questioning where it had all gone wrong
A life wasted not of much use
She grieved for what could have been
Why was she born to die?
A paralysed scream
Stuck in her throat
Too late now
To change
Caressed her
Sore grief shivered
Was this the ending
Planned for her in times past?
Could her soul now find salvation?
A voice pierced this deepest dark
“Look carefully my child
A silver ribbon
Runs through your life
Grasp it tight


I walked the world today
Carrying a paper bag
Full of my past, putting into it my present,
Intertwining the two
Going towards my destination,
And hers,
Looking neither to right nor left,
Focused on the One True Light,
The darkness and the light mingling,
Filling the bag,
Snapshots of my life and hers,
Soon she will be gone,
Soon, too, will I,
We walk together towards the light


Please don’t read anything into this. It is just a piece of writing:

We had gone to Doncaster, thirty miles away. Me, Bob my husband and David my nephew.

I was in a store and wanted to go to the toilet. I was, in the nightmare, walking. Not in a wheelchair, though I should have been, as I could not walk far, but was doing it becayse it was expected of me.

No one understood that I could not walk.

I stood in the queue for the toilet, and it was VERY long. I could not wait. It was urgent. Bob and David were waiting for me.

I went to a different place just a few yards away, to try and join the queue for a different toilet. But that queue was long, too.

I left that place and went to look for Bob and David, but they had gone. I did not know where to. I shouted their names. But nothing. I knew that Bob was in his wheelchair. I needed to be in one too, but I could not have mine. So I was walking. I was in pain and weak.

I could not find Bob and David anywhere at all. I panicked. I yelled and yelled their names……but no response. Where were they? They had LEFT me. I could not believe it. But they HAD.

I went out of the store into the street, and was going to phone Bob on his mobile. But when I got my phone out, I could not see to use it. I tried different buttons, but nothing would work. I kept on getting foreign languages. Bob’s answer message was in different foreign languages. Why had he done this? I was in panic. I had no means of contacting him to tell him where I was, to get him and David to come and get me. Then, I found Bob’s mobile in my handbag, so I KNEW there was no way of contacting him. He had put his mobile into my bag.

There I was, out in the street, and suddenly I was not in Doncaster but in London. But I was in Doncaster too. I rang my mother on my mobile. I told her that Bob had left me. That he didn’t want me a y more. That I could not get home, and that I was in the street in Doncaster and that I would have to get a train home but could not walk to the station. She did not care. I asked her if she knew anyone whom she couldn send from Scunthorpe to Doncaster to get me in a car. She said no. She told me I would have to deal with it myself. She cut me off dead, not caring at all.

I stopped someone in the street and asked them to help me. I told them the story, and asked them to help me to get to the train station. The lady was nice. She and her husband took me in their car, to the station, but it was Kings Cross in London. But when we got to Kings ross the crowds waiting outside the station to get in were huge. I could not stand in such a crowd. So I could not get a train home.

Then, I was in a car with the nice lady and a horrible, evil lady, who tried to get me to put crystals on me. New Agey stuff. She said that I had to leave Bob. I had to get out. She was meant to be taking me to the station as well, but, knowing that the crowds would stop me getting into the station, I asked her if she would drive me all the way home if I paid her. She said she would. But I did not trust her. She seemed evil. But at a certain point, in the muddle of London that was really Doncaster, she stopped, and got out of her car, and left us for a few moments. I told the nice lady that I did not trust the lady who was driving us, and so we got out of the car. The nice lady left me, and I was on my own. She knew of no one who would drive me home, and knew that I could not go on a train either. I could not walk, and could not get home. By then, my sight had gone too. I was totally stranded and alone and abandoned. I had no one, and could not contact anyone. Bob had left me and the marriage was over. He had gone over to David, and was with David. They were together. Everyone had LEFT me. I was alone, unable to walk, could not see, and could not phone anyone, and could not get home.

I thought of making my way to the police station to ask them to help me, but I could not get there because I could not see or walk, and did not even know where the police station was. I knew I was now on the streets. This would be my life now.


THIS IS IN RESPONSE TO “SATURDAY MIX – OPPOSING FORCES” AND THE WORDS WERE ADMIT AND DENY AND PRESENCE AND ABSENCE. I do not know how to link it back to the Blog where this chalenge was issued. It was in the Blog “Mindlovemiseries Menagerie.” Anyway, here is my Offering:-

You admit that I am your wife
And say that you love me truly
Buying me gifts
Making a pretence on Wedding Anniversaries
As if by doing this
You could wipe out the grisly past
Throwing love and presents at me
As if I might forget
Oh how I have tried
To forget what you did
To forgive
To put it aside
To save my life
But how can you ever forget rape
Saturated with violence?
How can you ever forget
The taunting
The insults
The name calling
The degradation
You say you love me
On this, our Wedding Anniversary
But your presence is my absence
And I deny your love



You move
Towards me
In gentleness
In love
But I
Draw back
Though it is not what I want
Yet I must say Goodbye
Is the name of the game
But this is not a game
This is deadly serious
Nothing must be risked
Life hangs on the edge of a cliff
Precariously balanced
Two ways
One leads to death
The other to life
Too many wounds
I cannot risk
And so death comes


My heart aches tonight
For the balm of your love
For the safety of your knowing
And mine
But can two souls ever
Truly know
Touch each other
In the distance
I see a hand
Reach out
But find I cannot reach
It is too far
And too late
Far too late
The moment has gone
And you are lost to me
I know
That all must end
That fear took its toll
I took the safer way
And now I am lost