SHINING

Ladies
Fingers adorned
The lonely green grass verge
With violets and campions
Colours
So bright
Glorious were those summer days
Shining with love and life
Now in the dark
I shine

Scenes come
Into my mind
From wondrous childhood days
Sadness
I knew
But always there was the shining
Nature taught me to love
In the darkness
And light

( Ladies Fingers are beautiful small flowers that used to grow wild in our grass verges in the countryside. Due to various things, they no longer grow, but they are a wonderful childhood memory)

CRUNCH

Not been posting much but here is a poem that is relevant for now. I see my cancer Specialust next Friday.

Crunch, beneath my feet,
Splinters ,
Red and gold and brown,
Rich colours sharp as glass,
Now crushed with jagged points
Daggers drawing blood.
“Give me the Spring” I pleaded,
“Just the Spring,
And then do what you will.”
I knew the score,
Although I tried to hide,
Denied the truth I knew inside.
There were no signs that I could see,
Nor pain to waken fear,
Until the day that red appeared,
The blood of autumn’s death.
I’d had my Spring,
My summer too,
Now autumn brought me winter’s death,
Red, fading into white, and blue.

THE FRIEND INSIDE

Inside
Is where you find
The friend who takes your hand
The one who leads you into light
Though eyes
Are blind
This friend is one whom you can trust
Has known you many years
Trust no one else
And live

EXPLORE THE DEEP

Explore
The Deep within
Remotest parts
Are alive with the promise of
New birth
Delve deep
And find the riches held within
Do not fear the dark Deep
Dive into it
And live

DAYS SPENT

Days spent
Now gone like air
Wisps of pure nothingness
What is there now to show for them?
The gift
Is ours
Of new days to come, purer air
To breathe fuelling life
Of better kind
Just breathe

SPRING

Dark nights
Give way to Spring
Snowdrops soon appearing
White of purity, salving tears,
Soon, day
Chases
Night away, welcomes the Springtime
Sighing in the dark night
We wait in hope
Come soon

TEARING DOWN ALTARS

There comes a time for dismantling. For tearing down altars. For walking through the fiery furnace of our desolation knowing that we can stand proud. There comes a time for disengaging from the charade of life. For ceasing to join in the rotten apple of play acting. For stepping aside from the deceptions, the masks, the untruths. There comes a time for standing in the TRUTH. But what IS truth? The truth is whatever sets you free. That which does not hold you down in bonds. Break the bonds. Find your own truth. Set yourself free, then walk in the fiery furnace of your,p loss and desolation, and know that you will not be burnt.

SCREAM

A woman’s scream
Pierces the air of the Holy Place,
Like arrows, pointed, sharp,
Splintering the heavy stillness,
Fragments of her life lay all around,
Shattering the silence,
She sits in disarray,
Shame fills her very soul,
The unforgivable has been done,
You don’t scream in Church.
But what of the sin that was done to her?
Which sin was greater?
Silent she has been for far too long,
Swathed in shame and guilt,
Paralysed by fear.
But now, the life within her stirs,
Her bonds are loosed,
She fights for air,
And finds her voice.
Her scream is sacred

VIEW FROM THE GROUND

The view
From where we are,
On the ground, pushed so hard,
Oppressed, crushed unable to breathe,
Is down
Or up
And maybe blinded by our tears
We see nothing but mud,
Then suddenly,
Flowers

High up,
We cannot see
The tiniest flowers
But in our smallness, crouched down low,
Beauty
Appears
The best view greets those on the ground,
Unseen by those high up,
Gems in the mud,
Pure gold

LISTEN

Broken
Is our dark world
Fragments lie helplessly
Silent, their scream rises, cries out
No one
Hears now
Justice and compassion have died
In the thrust of our lives
Stop for a while
Listen

GRIEF

Today I greet the darkness once again,
Waking, I walk into the great unknown,
Often, in my heart I cry, wonder when
My life will end, my seeds will all be sown,
So much I cover up, so no one sees
The grief inside this lonely heart of mine,
Temptation draws me everyone to please,
To hide the me that cannot always shine,
I bow to what so many seem to need,
A griefless painless world where no one cries,
Where all are strong in heart and soul and deed,
And sorrow always out the window flies,
But even Jesus cried upon His Cross,
He alone can understand my loss.

LIGHT AND DARK

In life
Light and dark
Shine equally, reflect
Each other, hand in hand they walk
Through paths
We tread
The darkness glistens with pure light
Take the hand of both, walk
With them, sacred
Are they

TAKE ME

Take me
To the river
So I can cross and find
On the other side my true home
Inside
Me is
The river of life with two banks
One my eternal home
One a dark place
I wait

RISING

Rising,
I know the truth
That you with many lies
Covered me, manipulated,
Until
I died
But now I live again, dying
To your evil falsehood
Wiser, richer,
And free

TENDER THE HEART

Tender
The heart of one
Who goes to the low place
Where you have been pushed, beaten, crushed,
Whose arm
Is strong
To lift you up and set you high
On the Rock of your dreams
And fills your soul

MEMORY

I see things in my memory’s eye
Like the birds that I hear singing,
For now I can only see shapes,
Colours merge into each other,
I see so clearly in my memory,
The birds that brought me life.

This dark world now is my life.
But the dark is only in my eye,
Light shines, in my memory,
My heart within is singing,
I can say no other,
Pure light, my life shapes.

In my time I have seen so many shapes,
Some good, some bad, that determined my life,
Sometimes one, sometimes the other,
On the good I tried to focus my eye,
So that my heart could keep singing,
All these things live on in my memory.

I live now in my memory,
Things take on so many shapes,
Never can I stop singing,
Whatever happens in my life,
I see now with more than my eye,
Not with anything other.

There are so many things but nothing other
Than the light of God lives on in my memory,
It shines not only in my eye,
But into my depths, my life it shapes,
Such light brings to me eternal life,
Everything in me is singing.

Sometimes I hear the angels singing,
Louder than any other,
Bringing to birth in me new life,
That doesn’t live just in my memory,
This for me eternity shapes,
In my spirit, my only eye.

I am not reliant on my eye, but on something other
To keep me singing, but not in my memory,
Something greater my future shapes, giving me eternal life.

UNIQUE WALKS

Unique
The walks we take
Whether by choice or chance
Alone we tread our weary way
Sometimes
Touched by
Those on different walks when when paths join
And oh how sweet that touch
Just for a while
We sing

SWAYING NOTES

Swaying
Notes dance in light
But now the dark has come
They still dance on oblivious
It just
Is so
Let us not weep but listen well
And hear the notes singing
Their song of joy
This night

BROKEN

Today
My brokenness
Became part of the whole
All of the pieces were gathered
Woven
Moulded
Into something so beautiful
I beheld You broken
Touched Your Body
With tears

And I
The blemished one
Found healing in those tears
Like she who cried so long ago
Washing
Your feet
With tears that flowed so readily
From eyes that now had sight
And a heart full
Of love

THE BURNING DARK

I WROTE THIS POEM AT THE BEGINNING OF THE AUTUMN, BUT I AM POSTING IT NOW BECAUSE IT IS PERTINENT TO NOW IN MY LIFE

And now
The burning dark
Comes as autumn scorches
Cooling earth with flaming colours,
Fires rage
In souls
Seared by pains of night eternal
Let not these colours scourge
Your dying soul
But fan
Into
Life the embers
Of love laid low by fear
As red hot arrows wounded all
That lived
And grew
In the cold dark earth of winter
Let the dark now hold you
Colours fading,
Peace breathing

NOTHING BETWEEN US

There is nothing between us now
I am at the edge
Looking in
And suddenly
I am there, part of the picture
Alone
But All One
As the sunset enters my soul
No longer a picture
But part of me
I part of it
And in this moment
I know
Eternity

NOTHINGNESS

Peace comes
In nothingness,
A void stripped naked, full
Of emptiness of surrender
The vain
Longings
For things which cannot ever last
That never truly feed
Or quench our thirst
For life

REST

Soon comes
The time to rest
Lie down my weary one
For everything there is a time
The earth
Holds you
Sleep dear child as the days grow cold
Until the sap rises
And you are strong
Again

FROZEN

I saw it this morning, frozen in time,
A bead of water, hanging,
The delicate willow looked so fine,
Even the blackbirds were singing.

A bead of water, hanging
Exquisite in its splendour,
Even the blackbirds were singing,
Nature in its grandeur.

Exquisite in its splendour,
It hung audaciously there,
Nature in its grandeur,
Sparkling in the still air.

It hung audaciously there,
Giving its message clear,
Sparkling in the still air,a bead that looked like a tear.

Giving its message clear,
In the icy cold of the morning,
A bead that looked like a tear,
In harmony with the dawning.

In the icy cold of the morning,
I glimpsed something that was beyond me,
In harmony with the dawning,
I saw into eternity.

I glimpsed something that was beyond me,
Now I know there is hope,
I saw into eternity,
I saw it this morning, frozen in time.

OUT OF MY BOX

The man I knew is on the rocks
Soon his games will be ended
I am out of my box

Crafty he was, like a fox
No one my soul defended
The man I knew is on the rocks

I can’t turn back the clocks
None of it was intended
I am now out of my box

His love was like sweet smelling stocks
On deception he depended
The man I knew is on the rocks

Those he despises he mocks
I the one he befriended
I am out of my box

Now for a good detox
My spirit has now ascended
The man I knew is on the rocks
I am out of my box

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KEEP WALKING

Get up,
Keep walking, tough
People keep walking, through
Pain, sorrow and grief, determined
To win
Though life
Knocks them down, people attack them,
Knowing their soul is safe
Walk through your pain
With me

ENTRANCED

I felt
Your face today
With my fingers, gently
Caressing Your wounds, feeling mine
Keenly
As one
We danced in the Sanctuary,
For the sake of glory
Joined together
Entranced

DANCE OF LIFE

And now
It’s all over
And I am free to think
Of rivers, trees and mountains, birds
Flying
Dancing
Joining now in the Dance of Life
Free for ever, joyous
Just in being
Alive

RUN IN THE NIGHT

Run in
The night holding
Only onto the stars
Fly high into the blackened sky
Light as
Feathers
Beyond the stars you will find Love
Waiting to welcome you
Run now, the night
Calls you

WHAT DO YOU DO?

What do you do when you reach the end?
When you have done everything
Said everything
Followed directions
Tried your best
But then
Find yourself at an end?

Nothing worked
No Entry signs block your way
Your life at an end
You fight
You rest
You collapse
You cry
You scream
You pray
You take your life in your own hands
Like you should
You know – be pro active
Not be passive
Not submissive
But don’t you see…..
I tried
I am not to blame
I don’t fit your pop psychology

What do I do now I have reached the end?

Pray for me

A CHILD’S SEARCH

She spent her life looking for the truth,
Walking up the long narrow lane,
Holding Grandma’s hand she sought,
Gazing in wonder at the sky,
Mesmerised by the stars,
Asked the question, “Where is God?”

How could a child know much about God?
Yet she wanted to know the truth,
He had to be somewhere beyond the stars,
Shining bright as they walked up the lane,
Her eyes fixed firmly on the night sky,
In innocence she sought

And as she grew this child still sought,
Determined to find her God,
So much wonder was in the sky,
How could it not contain the truth?
Many times she walked down the lane,
Fascinated by the stars

She wondered if she could touch the stars,
As in her wonder she sought,
Never did she forget the lane,
Where first she’d tried to find God,
Her child’s mind said there must be truth,
Somewhere up in the sky

So beautiful she found the sky,
Even when there were no stars,
In such great beauty there must be truth,
Still for her God she sought,
In her thirteenth year she found her God,
Walking with her down the lane

Hand in hand they walked down the lane,
Looking up at the sky,
Within her heart she’d found her God,
Brightly shone the stars,
She’d found that for which she’d always sought,
Now she knew the truth

A little child looked for truth high up in the sky,
Walking down the country lane mesmerised by the stars,
One day as she truly sought, within her she found her God

FOREST YOU ENFOLD ME

Forest, you enfold me
Under your canopy of purest green
Setting my senses free

I feel you though I cannot see
Hear the Living Waters teem
Forest you enfold me

Remembering how I used to be
In sacred space I sit and dream
Setting my senses free

My heart, my mind, my will agree
Working together as a team
Forest you enfold me

Your spirit lets me know that we
Do not need “sight” on which to lean
Forest you enfold me
Setting my senses free

DEEP WATERS

Bring to light that which is hidden
Nestling deep in the darkness
Sing into being that which should live
Wing your chosen way onwards

Do not fear the deep waters
You were once held in this ocean
Too many times you stood at the edge
New life is yours for the taking

ETERNITY WAITING

The path had been made straight,
Smooth under the early sun,
Just in time for my arrival
Though no one knew I was coming,
It seemed it was just for me,
Time had been waiting

Long months had I been waiting,
My path had not been straight
Darkness then attended me
I never saw the sun
I didn’t see its coming,
Was shocked at its arrival

This was a new arrival
Light for me had been waiting
This day it saw me coming
My mind now perfectly straight
The warmth of the early sun
Was here, protecting me

Inside, She greeted me,
Seeing me on my arrival
Hidden from the sun,
In the darkness waiting
Her truth had always been straight
Eternity was coming

Even the birds were coming,
Singing their songs to me,
Is Truth always this straight
So joyful its arrival?
Eternity will not be waiting
And neither will the sun

Gone for a while is the sun
That shone upon my coming
Joy for me is waiting
Silence falls on me
Soon will be my arrival
Now that the way is straight

I walk straight along the path waiting for my coming,
Guided by the sun shining light on me,
Now is my arrival, eternity was waiting

GIFTED

Gifted
We are to each
Other in this dark world
Carrying each other’s burdens
In love
As one
We keep walking in the darkness
Letting our bright light shine
We will get through
This life

DARE

Take this day and live it
Break illusions, let them go
Wake to better things, and dance
Shake the world in your energy flow

Wear with pride your new self
Tear away old skins
Share your heart with those you meet
Dare to be the one who wins

BROKEN DREAMS

Rising
Within me, hope,
Giving birth to faith that
Life can flourish in the rubble
Of dreams
Destroyed.
I stand in the ashes, aching,
Crying, how do I build
Without the bricks
I need?

Somehow
I know I will
Find some different bricks
Better bricks than ever I had
Before
Solid
Bricks that time cannot destroy but Lead to life eternal
I search and find
New life

I LOVE YOU

Sometimes
The cold light strikes
Like a thousand knives, cuts
Appear in your raw wounded flesh,
And then
Blood flows,
Deathly pale, you think you will die
Your body limp, folds up,
Words save you, “I
Love you.”

MY PATH

My path
Was chosen, hard
Though it seems to many,
A path that gave me peace, darkness
Held me,
Embraced
Who and what I was, broken, blind,
Took me to its centre,
Siren voices
Stole me

“Your dark
That glows is turned
To light, bask in the light,
Cast aside the darkness, better
Is the light I offer,”
Seductive is
The word,
I take
My own path once again, find peace,
Within the cloud, unknown
Is my future,
I walk

PEACE

Peace strives,
Wrestles and climbs
Stairways to heaven’s door,
Is not satisfied, ever still,
Rests in
Pastures
Surrounded by hills that call you
To walk, struggle and strive
Meet obstacles
And climb

KEPT WOMAN

Tonight
My heart like lead
Grieves for what I have lost
Never will I walk alone but
Be held
And leashed
Before me stretches a vastness
That I can only feel
As the wind blows
Gently

I long
To wander through
Green fields, on ancient paths
Without my leash, set free again
Blindly
I fall
As I try in vain to step out
And now I know the score
I am a kept
Woman

ACCEPT

So long
I accepted
“This is God’s will for you,”
Accepted all that came to me,
Saw stars
In mud,
Trying so hard to see the light
In darkest of places,
Now, the Springtime
Has gone
I don’t
See stars, or Spring,
I see as I throw food
All over like a baby, bib
Round neck,
Nothing
But a monster that would take my
Personhood away, plunge
Me into hell,
I fought
I beat
The cancer, blind
From the “cure” I lost all,
Skin unfeeling from drugs I took,
Legs gone,
Life gone,
I live a blind death every day,
Disconnected from all
Alone, in hell,
Accept?

FEAR

Why do
You run away?
What is your fear of me?
Like you I have skin, flesh and bones,
Though lame
And blind
Perhaps in me you see yourself
And do not like the sight
Don’t be afraid
Stand still

DISGUST

I disgust you. I disgust you because I suffer. You otetend that you have compassion, but inside, you squirm. You smile. You kiss. You pretend.

I disgust you. Why am I suffering, you ask yourself. You think you know the answer. That I bring it on myself. That I ask for it.

I disgust you. I could do something to stop this. I do not have to suffer. You squirm.

Do you think I do not feel you squirming? Do you think I am deceived by your smiles and hugs? Do you think I am deceived by yoyr soft words? No, they are tinged with steel. A hard ess that drives into my soul.

I disgust you. You rise above me whilst bowing down to embrace me. You rise. I fall.

I wish I could get out of this wheelchair. I wish I could see. I wush I could meet your eyes. Stare into your face. I wish I could be equal to you.

You disgust me. Your falsehood. Your eternal mask that the eyes of my heart can see through.

But only I see it. Only I know of yoyr mask. Only I see what is behind the mask. For, in suffering, you get X-ray eyes.

You disgust me. Drop your pretence.

THEFT

You never knew where you end and I begin
Everything was one to you
You stole my soul, I could not win.

I was possessed, only a thing,
The hate within me grew,
You never knew where you end and I begin

I had to take it all on the chin
It was a witches brew
You stole my soul, I could not win.

The line between life and death was thin
This was what you put me through
You never knew where you end and I begin

I knew for years the dreadful sting
Of being crushed, the day I’d rue
You stole my soul I could not win

But now I know what grief you bring
I need to make my life anew
You never knew where you end and I begin
You stole my soul I could not win.

I GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT

I go towards the light
Fumbling on my way
Seeing what looks bright
Nothing much to say

Fumbling on my way
Battered in the fight
Nothing much to say
Everything is trite

Battered in the fight
Each and every day
Everything is trite
In this world of grey

Each and every day
The pain begins to bite
In this world of grey
Leading into night

The pain begins to bite
I’m injured in the fray
Leading into night
What else can I say?

I’m injured in the fray
Battling without sight
What else can I say?
Don’t you see my plight?

Battling without sight
I’m everybody’s prey
Don’t you see my plight?
I go towards the light

DEADLY NIGHTSHADE

Tall hedges lined the long narrow lane,
Beneath them, flowers, and deadly nightshade,
Beyond them lush green fields where cattle grazed,
I imagined them to be horses,
On their backs I could ride, gallop
Through my world of childhood dreams

Many were my childhood dreams,
I dreamt them as I walked down the lane,
I’d race in a race, at the gallop,
Never mind the deadly nightshade,
I’d turn the cattle into horses,
Train them in the field where they grazed

At night I’d walk where the cattle grazed,
Lost for the moment in my dreams,
With the wave of a wand they could be horses,
The other side of the hedge was the lane
And I had to remember the deadly nightshade
As I heard the horses gallop

I’d never before made a horse gallop,
Though often in other dreams I’d grazed,
I was drawn one day to the deadly nightshade,
Now it had invaded my dreams,
I knew there was danger in the lane ,
I forgot the galloping horses

I’d always been fascinated by horses,
But never taken one at the gallop,
Now I was fascinated by the lane,
As this night the cattle grazed,
Soon I’d be in the land of dreams,
Where I could approach the deadly nightshade

“Don’t go near the deadly nightshade,”
My grandmother said as I dreamt of horses,
But she could not get into my dreams,
Where I’d taken horses at the gallop,
On the deadly nightshade I grazed,
Grandma found me dead in the lane

NEW SONG

The days are growing shorter, darkness falls,
Wrapping its tendrils around my body,
As they tighten their grip a lone bird calls,
Piercing my heart with its stark melody,
Dead leaves crackle their life now is over,
The bird sings again its funeral song,
Like that of a dying, anguished lover,
Knowing the joy that was is now gone,
As the bird reaches its beak to the sky,
Stars start to twinkle and dance in the night,
A nightingale sings, its song rises high,
Out of the darkness has come a great light,
The spell is broken, i know I will live,
I learned in the dark a new song to give

EVER MINE

Sitting as the sun died and night came
I smelled and tasted the air that spoke of times past
And once again I could see,
Feel the movement of the big swing
In the night air
Reaching to the stars in the black sky
Laughing in exhilaration
As only a child can
Wondering
If I could catch a star
And hold it forever
Here, in this place where now I sat
The past lived again
And
Like then
I asked questions
“”Where is God?”
Seeing the vastness of the sky
I wondered
Was He beyond the stars?
Could I catch and hold Him too?
Could I even reach Him?
Small as I was then
I feel even smaller now
Blind, lame, sick,
And now I wonder just as then
“Can I catch and hold God?”
And even as I ask,
I feel once again a child’s wonderment
And know that the Kingdom of Heaven
Belongs to such as me,
And that it is not high up in the skues
Beyond my reach,
But indeed it is within me
Not dependent on time or space
But ever present
Ever a gift
Ever mine