I think I’m losing it,
My mind, my heart, my brain,
I think I’m losing it,
Too long trying,
Too long aching,
Too long in a wirkd
Where I no longer fit,
A world that I cannot share,
A world that only I inhabit,
I think I’m losing it,
Even that which I cannot share,
I’m losing it,
The dark swallows me up,
I swallow,
The rising pain,
The rising scream,
The rising fear,
For if it came out,
I might just die


It’s like I’m in a different world
Homesick, lonely, aching,
The world goes on, without me,
I lie here, not even able to imagine any more, paralysed in my mind,
Hopeless, helpless,
Watching you playing, with the eyes of my heart,
I live in the past now, remembering,
But even the remembering hurts,
Perhaps I had better not remember,
For then I was part of something,
Now I am not,
Then I could relate,
Now I can’t,
I read your words, see your world, hear your moans,
With envy, jealousy, disdain,
For you cannot taste my food,
My banquet,
We cannot share, pass the cakes, the cruets,
No seasoning can blend our lives into a world of taste, and sound, and sight,
I am forever lonely,
I was once like you


Are you silent now,
Pondering things in your heart?
It is the way of things,
Carrying so much,
Not just the child,
But all that is to be born from you,
As you stand waiting,
In silence,
There is within a fluttering,
That turns into a Dance,
Yet your silence knows
That one day will be born
A child with a Cross in His hands,
Too heavy in time to carry,
You watch Him stumble and fall,
And only you
Can help Him to carry it now,
Within your womb,
Knowing that even as
He is placed on that Cross,
His Spirit will dance
Through His suffering
Transforming the pain
Of the whole wide world


Sometimes, in our desert experiences, we feel that all is lost, all is gone and there is no hope left. How can we pick up ash? The ash of our lives. When I went blind, and became wheelchair bound following my cancer, unable to use touch to feel for things as bot my hands and my feet lost all feeling, it would have been easy to think that my life was finished. Over. And indeed, the temptation was there to lose hope. But, as a child, I had learned to SING. In the most painful, difficult and fearful of circumstances, I would SING. This next poem is about just this:-

I looked round today and
all I saw was ash,
The ash of my life, spent,
The flame gone out, dead dreams on the ground in rubble.

The scene was bleak, my eyes
Beheld no beauty,
All was ugly, spent now,
I stood there stripped, knowing I could not pick up ash.

Dreams disintegrated,
Hope gone for ever,
Nothing to re-ignite,
Barrenness was my empty companion today.

But suddenly I heard
A voice, saying “Sing,”
What song could I sing now,
Here in this strangest of strange lands, alien now?

The voice insisted, “Sing”
I opened my mouth,
But no sound would come out,
“ Tell me how to sing,”
“Caged birds can sing, but you don’t have a cage, just sing.”

I looked around again,
I couldn’t see ash,
I saw the makings of
A new world, building bricks,
Beauty from ashes, I opened my mouth and sang.


I lie here dressed only in my skin,
Stripped bare, inglorious, colourless,
Just like the tree,
All that once I knew,
All that once I displayed,
Gone for ever,
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust………
……….But wait,
Inside me the sap,
It rests,
In my roots,
Safe from the cold winds of winter,
Safe from the storms,
Waiting to rise up
When the storms have passed,
No, I am not dead,
Just waiting.


Probably not a good poem at all, but it is my words

If only I could write today
Of what I truly feel,
Looking at the world through blind eyes,
I read the words of those who see and leap and walk,
Who live in such a different world, it almost seems
That we are aliens, strangers to each other,
Yet still made of the flesh and blood
That draws us close together,
I struggle to know that I belong,
Yet write as if I do,
Illusory? Perhaps,
But sometimes illusions have to be,
For otherwise
How could we
Bear the pain of blindness?
How do I write my Goodbyes?
How do I say “So long”?
And yet today,
The tree stripped bare
Said it all to me,
For I too am stripped bare,
Of all that I once knew,
Of the colours of my life,
Of beauty, of frolicking in the breeze,
And now, I am empty handed,
Except for my words,
I offer you my words


The tree is stripped now,
Ready to rest,
After giving of its all,
Now it stands there in its stark beauty,
Exposed, bare,
Now no birds can feed,
Nor rest hidden in its leaves,
It has nothing to offer,
Except its stillness,
Its quietude,
Saying, “I’m still here,
But my surface beauty has gone,
I no longer hold secrets within,
All that I am you can see,
Yet in my starkness is my real beauty,
For it speaks the truth,
In sharpness,
In directness,
Now you see my essence,
That still through the cold and the dark,
Will survive,
And with my strength,
One day I will bear leaves again,
And fruit aplenty,
Give of my abundance,
And like me,
You too will survive,
And bear fruit in abundance,
But now is the time to rest,
Just rest,
And you will be revived.”


Come, stripped as you are,
Bare, vulnerable,
Weak from your burden,
All energy gone,
Let it go,
Come just with your very essence,
The heart of you,
Rest in my Sacred Heart,
Let them beat together as one,
Energised by the pure Spirit of the Universe
That makes no demands
Just an invitation to come,
Come to me
All you who are weary and heavy laden,
And I will give you rest.


Geese flew over one night
Out of the sunset
Glorious in their flight
Silhouetted, adept,
Concentrating on one quest, going home to rest.

Many times I’d seen them,
Heard them chattering,
A message came clear then,
God in their flying,
The message was “I love you, just keep on going”.

I too am going home,
We all are one day,
Love guides us as we roam,
Rest and work and play,
But inside we need a clear intent, on our way.

We keep the goal in sight,
Though the sky be red,
In our soul’s dark night,
With the blood we have bled,
Throughout the journey we can know,with Love we’re fed.



To my friend Blossom who had incurable cancer but who is now terminal:

Tonight you and I were the Dancing Queens
With our heads held high we fulfilled our dreams
Together we danced with the joy of life
Defying death in the face of our grief,
We laughed and sang, waved our arms in the air,
In that moment of joy we didn’t care,
Nothing was going to stop us tonight,
Tears were not going to cloud our clear sight,
For one thing we knew despite all the pain
Was we’d nothing to lose and all to gain,
You are terminal, I in remission,
So while on this earth we don’t need permission
To do anything that makes us feel good,
Clinging to hope walking on this rough road,
Each helping the other to carry their load,
We laugh at the moon and sing to the stars,
The deepest of joy will always be ours


One night
I heard eternity calling
You came to me
In robes of green and gold
“I’m going home”
I said
And our smiles joined as one
What joy was in that moment
As you read to me about green pastures,
Still waters serenaded me with their silence,
As I moved towards the Great Banquet
A Feast spread before me
Oh what joy did fill my heart that night
This was the moment I had always waited for
You anointed my head with oil
Deep called to Deep
Gently I felt myself slipping
Into waters so pure
Around me I heard voices,
The saints who had gone before me
Who had run the great race
Their gentle strength surrounding me
Lifting me to heaven
That night I saw into eternity
And lived


And what is on the ground?
Mud, dirt, stones,
Your face rubbed in the dirt,
The stones cutting your face,
Until blood runs,
You lie there helpless,
How do you get up?
Your brain crazed,
You see your blood on the ground,
And suddnly it is not yours,
But that of Another,
Two thousand years ago,
And there, on the ground,
You find eternal life