I WATCHED

My mother is sick.

I watched
As she whimpered
Unable to catch breath
Exhausted from trying to live
Frightened
Of death
The one who was never frightened
Now laying down power
I embraced her
Stillness

In life
No embraces
Nor gentleness of touch
Only a cold hard iron will
I longed
For touch
But now here in death I touched her
Her body limp with pain
No resistance
Met me

Whimpers
Pierced my aching
Heart so full of sweet love
For this one who only
Knew how to hurt, control me
Mother
I’m here
In this your dying hour sore pain
Fills my wounded spirit
I love you Mum
She hears

(My mother is very sick right now. This is my poem to her. There will be many more)

SPRING

The sun
Made patterns, danced
On the cold ground, trees swayed
To the rhythm of life, the breeze
Fanning
Embers
Left in autumn’s deadening wake,
Soon would come singing, joy
Bursting out, Spring
Appears

DANCING HOPE

From deep
In the dark earth
Hope dances on, circling,
Growing, rippling and drawing in
All those
Who stretch
Out their arms, pleading for new life
Darkness gives birth, light comes,
Sing out nature,
In joy

DRESS ME

Wheat fields
You undress me
Stripping me of falsehoods
That invaded my wounded soul,
Clothing
Me then
In the pure white of my childhood
When joys were young and blithe
Dancing and free
Flying

Adorn
My soul this day
Throw away all the chains
That kept in place the clothes of black
That seemed
So white
And now keep me safe for ever
Entwined in innocence
Like spotless lamb
Take me

FRESH FOUNTAIN

Today the fountain sprang
From deep within the earth
Singing its unique song to me
Uniting with the mountain streams of my past
Each with its own harmonies
Not confined to time or space
Singing a song forever new
Forever old
Bringing to birth a fresh song
Springing like the fountain
From the depths of my being
A song of joy that never
Did I sing before

LOVESONGS

Lovesongs
Fall from your lips
Like the tears in my eyes
That fall gently,
Brushing my face,
Your song
Rests there
Down on the ground where my eyes fall
Shining with clear pure light
Looking just like
A tear

CANCER

That day
Brutality
Exploded all around
“Cancer” – there was no gentle touch,
Stark truth,
Shocking,
The heavens cried out that dreadful day,
Seals wailed on Holy Isle,
“Will it kill me?”
“Don’t know.”

Absent
Minded she kissed
Me on my head softly,
The mother who had tried to kill
The babe
Within
She listened so intently to
The doctor as he spoke,
Straining to hear
The truth.

The babe
She wanted dead
Now fully woman, faced
Impending threatening death again,
And now
She saw
The child that caused her all her pain,
The child she never loved,
And loved her now,
“Mother!”

Within,
She found something
She’d never known before,
Love, a mother’s sore, fierce sweet love,
Swelling,
Growing,
Now, she only wanted to save
The child that she once bore,
Hold her, keep her,
Love her.

Anger
Grew within her,
Why should this child now die?
Now it was out of her control,
Her grasp,
Her clasp,
Fiercely she shouted at the child,
“Don’t give in now. Fight it’
Don’t let it kill
You child.”

Once more,
When all seemed lost,
She needed to maintain
Full power and control in life
In death,
Gripping
Hold of all that is, intently,
Fear filled her heart, she must
At all costs win
This time.

THE CHILD SAYS:

Nearer
My God to Thee
I come, for I am free,
To choose my path, live in Thy will,
Humbly,
Gladly,
I move towards that heavenly place,
My eyes behold it now,
Tears fill my eyes
Today.

No more
Can earth contain
Bedazzle or seduce,
Earth’s glory dims, all I can see
Is God,
On high.
I fly towards those heavenly plains,
Nothing can hold me now,
My heart sings out
In joy.

“I LOVE YOU”

Sometimes
The cold light strikes
Like a thousand knives, cuts
Appear in your raw wounded flesh,
And then
Blood flows,
Deathly pale, you think you will die
Your body limp, folds up,
Words save you, “I
Love you.”

DUSK

The sun was dying in the sky,
Reflecting on the water,
The trees turned golden in the light,
On the banks of the river’s mouth,
Everything this night was calm,
As the water ran out to the sea.

So often I’d looked at the waves of the sea,
Thrashing in the darkening sky,
My spirit then was not calm,
I was drawn towards the water,
I sensed the salt taste in my mouth,
At the dying of the light.

But now as night comes I can see light,
Calm now is the sea,
A sweeter taste is in my mouth,
A brilliance in the sky,
I am at peace looking at the water,
Within me a mystical calm.

The way I have walked has not been calm,
Deep pain obscured the light,
For so long I floundered on the rough water,
Tossed around on the sea,
Loud thundering in the sky,
A bitter taste in my mouth.

But then I tasted sweet Bread in my mouth,
All was still and calm,
Heavenly Hosts filled the sky,
All I could see was light,
I was no longer tossed on the sea,
I floated on the water.

Once from Your wounded side flowed water,
Lovesongs fell from Your mouth,
So often You’d walked beside the sea,
Made rough waters calm,
Suddenly all around was light,
Dark turned to radiance in the sky.

As the sky brightened songs were in my mouth,
The waters of the earth were calm,
The Universe was filled with light, glassy was the sea.

THE LONG SLEEP

It’s time to go to sleep now,
Already the tree is stripped bare,
Grey fills the air,
The whole world seems to be yawning,
Everything is coming to rest,
Waiting to be adorned
With the lacy patterns of winter,
Frozen in time,
To everything there is a time,
And a purpose,
I hear the words once again,
“Come to me
All you who are heavy laden
And I will give you rest”
And now
Exhaustion creeps upon
The ones that were heavy with a fullness
Designed for that time alone,
Berries, fruits, wheat in the fields,
But now the grey is yawning,
The Long Sleep approaches

SACRED TIME

I rest
In Sacred Time
Living in the present
I see nothing in front of me
Only
The Now
I hear the lone call of a bird
Song in the wilderness
Nightingales sing
In dark

NEVER ENDING SOURCE

The well
Is deep, never
Ending Source springing up
Audaciously, giving us life
In dry
Deserts
Startling us with intensity
We draw the cool water
Refresh our soul’s
Dark night

CARESSED

And now
I rest in fronds
So delicate to touch
Caressed by dreams and visions new
My soul
Awakes
My heart within me beats again
Pulses with love so true
Heartbeat of God
Plays on

SUNRISE

And now
See the sun rise
A new day awakens
And soon the fullness of the day
Will fill
Your mind
But now let the morning dew fall
Onto you, refresh you,
Fill now your well
Of joy

THE GIFT

My soul
This day rejoiced,
Suddenly you appeared,
Shocked me as I sat there praying,
A gift
You bore,
Greater than you could ever know
For you knew not my pain,
My emptiness,
My grief.

The love
Inside the gift
Touched my empty places
Filled to overflowing
My cup, I drank deep of the joy,
Never
Could you
Know how such a small simple thing
Could lift me from despair,
Set me flying
Once more

BATTLE

Last year
I saw beauty
Blossoming all around,
One year, when the blossom bloomed, sky
Was blue,
scent filled
the air, a shock hit me, CANCER!
“You may die,” he told me,
Eyes on the floor,
Silence

Inside
A dark room, while
Birds sang and pink adorned
The cherry trees,
I cried
Dying,
The fullness of life all around,
I, empty, except for
Tumours, many,
So large

How could
This happen now,
In the Spring, when the sun
Shone so brightly,
Night fell
For me,
Soon would begin my fight for life,
Though I, too weak to fight,
Wanted to die,
Go home.

I fought,
To save my life,
Used every ounce of strength,
Assailed by many a dark night,
Inside,
A spark
Still glowed, so tiny no one knew
It was there, but life grew,
Won the battle,
I’M BLIND!

I AM REALLY SORRY

I want to thank all of you, from the bottom of my heart, who come to my website and read, lkie, and comment. It is lovely that you all come. But I want to say “Sorry” to you all as well, because you all have wonderful and amazing websites with such outstanding work, but because I am blind, I have great difficulty in following you all, and reading and commenting on all your poems etc. Finding my way around the internet as a blind person is really hard, and often, I become so frustrated, and give up. Sometimes I cannot find themplace where I can entera Comment. Also, I work with my colours inverted on my iPad to make reading easier, or I use my Voice Over App. But that does not help me to find the buttons that I need to click on. I owe you all a deep apology. I so much want to read all of your writings. You all write amazing stuff. I am sad that I cannot always manage it. Please may I a
Oligise and ask for your patience. It is a lively Community that we have, and I want to be part of it. But it is hard. And you are all so lovely about my poems etc. Thanks for all your support. Keep the ink flowing friends

FALLING RAIN – another stone in the desert

And so now I am alone
In the eerie silence of a life gone wrong
Shall I unpack my case
Such as it is?
All that I have is my body
Wracked with pain
But it is mine
No one can steal it from me
Like you stole my soul
I sit here in the dark
Remembering
Is it good to remember?
A line was drawn one day
When the pink blossom bloomed on the trees
And birdsong filled the air
A line which I can never cross over
Again
Never go back
On one side is health,
Busyness
Mountains to climb
On the other side is cancer
Blindness
Confinement
And you chose to abuse that
My helplessness became your fruitfulness
Such as it was
And so where are my fruits now?
Do oranges grow in the dark?
Apples tempt us?
And what of the serpent?
I lie in the dark and the silence
Hearing only the falling rain

TAKE, EAT

Today
They were all gone
Berries plump with new life
Already their life had journeyed
Plucked from
Green tree
As the summer sun died in skies
Now grey, winter waiting
Offstage, while birds
Feast, store…….

Plumpness
To see them through
Dark days and raging storms
We too have a banquet prepared
Take, eat,
Savour
The delights there for the taking
Nourish
Your soul
And live through the darkest of nights
Sustained by Love offered
Freely, just take
And live

CAGED BIRDS

Caged birds
Sing because they
Must and so must I in
Harmony with all who from their
Prisons
Sing with
Clear intent, showing the world that
Nothing can stop the song
Not even chains
That bind.

TIME WAITS

Time waits
In the shadows
For the dawning of light
Watching the flickering dancing
Flames of
Pure gold
Sees them approach, knowing that soon
They will envelop dark,
Eternity
Calls us

JOY

Joy comes
In the dark night
Grows imperceptibly
And when the dark night is over
Singing
Breaks out
With the birds in their dawn chorus
The angels in heaven
Even the stones
Cry out

CRADLED – a villanelle

Cradled in the arms of the night
The child assaulted, beaten, torn
She rests from the arrows of the fight

Vulnerable, this her plight
Waiting fot the coming dawn
Cradled in the arms of the night

Many cannot bear the sight
Of pain in the one who thus was borne
She rests from the arrows of the fight

Everyone talks about the light
Not seeing the pain within her form
Cradled in the arms of the night

None can understand the fright
Of the one that is lying so forlorn
She rests from the arrows of the fight

Alone this being feels the might
Of evil’s grip, in the gathering storm
Cradled in the arms of the night
She rests from the arrows of the fight

ALIENS

Sometimes
Another place
Is safer than our own,
We name ourselves what we can be,
Strangers,
We rest
In an alien land, survive
Blackest arrows of war,
Wearing the scars
We gained

PERHAPS SOON – a pantoum

Perhaps soon these days will pass
Days of grey fading into dark
Then the waiting will be done
Fate will be accomplished

Days of grey fading into dark
A different way I then will live
Fate will be accomplished
I wait in limbo for this time

A different way I then will live
A foreigner in this land
I wait in limbo for this time
Whiling away my days

A foreigner in this land
No signposts there I’ll find
Whiling away my days
Waiting for time to pass

No signposts there will I find
Just memories that fade
Waiting for time to pass
Colours now all gone

Just memories that fade
Are my companions now
Colours now all gone
Perhaps soon these days will pass

WHERE ARE YOU?

Soft rays fall gently as I remember
Days in Your Presence
When my heart was full
And birdsong filled the air
The warmth of summer’s breeze
Danced on my skin
Until the whole of my body danced too
Hearing the cries of Your love
In the calling of the birds
“Come my sweet one come,
Follow Me wither I go,
Across the sky
Onto the sea
Soaring above the mountains
Follow, follow,
Let Me hear your sweet voice sing
As we become One with the Universe
I love you, I love you,”
And I believed
And followed
Emptied myself of all but You
Together we danced the Dance of Love
Ate at a Banquet fit for Kings and Queens
Bathed in the gently flowing water
Drank from the water that gushed from the rock
But now the soft rays turn to darkness
The wind blows cold
No longer do I hear Your voice
Calling, calling,
I am alone,
Abandoned
Sightless
No longer can my feet dance
No longer do we twist and twirl together
In the Dance of Life
For now I live in darkness
Unable even to tie my own belt
In a place where I did not want to go
And in this place
I cry out Your Name
“Come to me, Come to me”
But there is no answer
“Where are You? Where are You?” I cry
The wind blows the sound of my voice back at me
I look up
See a Cross in the sky
And in that moment
Know that You are with me

JOURNEY

Winding roads in the dreary grey of dusk
Neither day nor night, a time of limbo,
My life discarded like an empty husk,
Time now doesn’t even have a window,
Tortuous the journey, never ending,
In the greyness of my life no clear line,
But soon, growing dark will be descending,
This night, for a clearer light I pine,
How will I ever reach my journey’s end,
Fumbling in the fog that plagues my eyes?
Is there a message clear that I can send
Truthful words, honest, without disguise?
I fear the dark, please help me on my way,
Till journeys end, and then a better day

TIME

Back in
Another time,
I wonder if the now
Is set apart from that past time
The same
Sky glows
Changes colour then darkness falls
The past still lives, changing
Our perspective
Bells chime

WILD PLACE

Wild place
Here I find You
The wildness of my heart
Roars in the fullness of of Your night
Emits
Deep sounds
All Creation bellows, the wind
Stirs up the lion’s roar
Bring the wild place
To me

HELL UNLEASHED

I have not been writing for a few days. It has been as if hell unleashed itself on earth for me. I did not know that such suffering was possible, though I have suffered much in my life. For the last few days I have been prostrate on my bed. Sometimes pain does not have a voice. It cannot speak. It is silent. It just has to be endured. And how, I do not know. I only know that I am still here. Weaker, dizzy, reeling, fragile, vulnerable, but still here.

I try to plumb the depths of the Universe to understand – but I don’t. Who can? Can anybody? Sometimes I think I understand, and can find peace. But soon, I find that I did not understand at all. And once again, I am spinning in some horrible vortex. Lost. Thoughts all jangling, until the screaming comes. They say that even the stones can cry out. Am I a stone? Where are the stones? Are they crying? I do not know. I cannot see. I cannot hear. All that I know is the onslaught of something that I cannot even describe. Where are the stones?

Enduring is all that you can do. We, us, me. Who? I don’t know. Who am I anyway. They say my name is Lorraine. But who do I say that I am?

They say I am Beloved of God. They do, you know.

LUMINOUS DARKNESS

Darkness,
Luminous, glows
With the pure light of God
At the top of the mountain, “see”,
The cloud
Covers
His face,
Too bright to see with naked eye,
But with our senses gone,
Our heart alone
Sees God

THE FOUNTAIN’S HEAD – A Sestina

Today she ran out of ink
Her well had dried up
Her hand lay limp at her side
Just like the brain in her head
Who was going to fill her well?
Her gaze hit the floor

Her dreams lay on the floor
Pictures not drawn in ink
Her life had not gone well
How could those dreams rise up?
What could she do with her head
Put everything aside?

She had nothing left inside
But plenty on the floor
Looking up at her head
Thirsty for some ink
Didn’t the devil do well?
How could the fragments get up?

Something told her she had to buck up
Lift her hand up from her side
Take a drink from the well
Picking things up from the floor
Riding on the fountain’s head
Ready to write in ink

Things have to be written ink
In letters that stand up
Words not just from the head
But from the heart that beats inside
Refreshed by the drink from the well
Rising up from the floor

Now there is nothing on the floor
Not even spilled ink
Magical was the well
Lifting her spirits up
Now she’s back on the right side
Everything’s right in her head

The fountain’s head gives life to the ink
That once was on the floor looking up
At the hand lying limp at her side un

DID YOU SEE?

Did you
See rainbows dance
After the rainstorm stopped?
When darkness fills your eyes, your heart
Still sees
Imagine
What your heart could see when set free
From the things of this world,
Things so wondrous,
Behold!

SECRET FLAME

A MIRROR CINQUAIN

Inside
A secret flame
Burns strong even when dark
It lights my path, illuminates,
I walk
In light
Not brilliant but just enough
To keep me holding on
This, my secret
Burn on

GEMS IN THE DARKNESS – a sonnet

The Dark Night of the Soul can feel like a terrible place to be. But in fact it glows with light. It has been called “The luminous darkness.” It glows with light because it leads us ultimately to be united fully with the One True Source. The Light. It is a place of difficulty and adversity. But it leads us ultimately into a place of great light. Here is the poem, in the form of a Sonnet:-

The darkness flows into our mortal lives,
Unasked for, unexpected, sure it comes,
For the most part every one of us strives
To dispel that which now before us looms,
But as it beckons we must enter in,
Embracing it, not fighting its advent,
Fighting it will never help us to win
The fruits that grow within what has been sent,
Within the darkness gems are to be found,
And soon we will discover our true self,
To the things that hold us we will not be bound,
In letting go we find a greater wealth,
Only the darkness can deliver us
And make us free without incurring loss

INTO THE DEEPEST DARKNESS

HERE IS THE BEGINNING TO THE BOOK I AM WRITING

How can one “know” things without knowing them? I don’t know the answer to that, but just as when I was a three year old child who “knew” that there was a God SOMEWHERE without being told, in 2014 I “knew” that I was going to go blind. I was watching a blind piano player and Gospel singer on the television, and deep inside me I just “knew” that in time, I too would be blind. It seemed preposterous. Yet I knew it without a doubt. But what I also knew was that through my blindness a great light would shine. Here was a blind person shining a great light through the singing of the Gospel. Nothing was impossible. At that time I did not feel sad or sorrowful, but excited. I was eager to meet the challenge. I kept the secret to myself. It was not something for broadcasting.

My blindness did not come upon me suddenly. It grew, slowly. It is hard now, to think back to how it happened.

LORD I’M BLIND

I used to be OK with going blind
Was that real?
Or was it because of the pressure
To see things as others wanted me to?
Or was it maybe that I had no choice?
Only the choice to be OK with it
Or to let the pain overtake me
What was the reality?
Was it a game?
How can you make a game of going blind?
Even as a child I learned
To show no emotion
To bear the utmost pain
Without a murmur
It became a habit
A habit I could not break
Crying was not allowed
Violence was normalised
And so, the violence of blindness
Could not be allowed to find acknowledgement
It was OK to go blind
But now I am lost
I was good at seeing with the eyes of the heart
I was good at making the best of it
I was good at smiling when all was not well
I was a good girl
I gave people what they wanted
While inside my heart was breaking
And fear ran riot
Confusion filled my soul
I wanted to do it well you know
To succeed at being blind
Failure was not even on the menu
I could not be seen to stumble
And fall
And now
This taut ball of humanity
Is breaking
I am not brave
This taut ball of humanity
Wants to scream and scream
And cry out
“I’M BLIND.”
And I know
That even as I scream and cry
The very stones will cry out with me
For all the Universe is groaning
As if in the pangs of childbirth
But oh, what a birthing this is
If indeed it is a birth
And not a death
And as I give birth
To this thing called blindness
That has lain fallow for so long
Will it kill me?
Is it too big for me?
You wave at me and smile
As you watch this birthing
And call me proud
As I do not wave back
And I know that in your eyes
I must go to Confession
For failing to deliver
Because I was too busy
Delivering blindness
And so you beat me with the stick of blame
As the baby was being born
I had held it within me for so long
But now, it is here,
Born upon this earth,
And I cry
“Lord, I am blind.”

DO NOT FEAR THE DARK NIGHT

A VIANELLE

Do not fear the dark night
Nor run fast from its embrace
Seeking only to be in the light

In the darkness we gain clear sight
Here is where we find pure grace
Do not fear the dark night

Often in the darkness we fight
Looking for the smallest trace
Seeking only to be in the light

In the depths we find the height
Of joy and wonder in sacred space
Do not fear the dark night

The dark is luminous, oh so bright
Never could we find a better place
Seeking only to be in the light

My friend, do not be filled with fright,
Here is where you come to see God’s face
Do not fear the dark night
Seeking only to be in the light

EVER MINE

Sitting as the sun died and night came
I smelled and tasted the air that spoke of times past
And once again I could see,
Feel the movement of the big swing
In the night air
Reaching to the stars in the black sky
Laughing in exhilaration
As only a child can
Wondering
If I could catch a star
And hold it forever
Here, in this place where now I sat
The past lived again
And
Like then
I asked questions
“”Where is God?”
Seeing the vastness of the sky
I wondered
Was He beyond the stars?
Could I catch and hold Him too?
Could I even reach Him?
Small as I was then
I feel even smaller now
Blind, lame, sick,
And now I wonder just as then
“Can I catch and hold God?”
And even as I ask,
I feel once again a child’s wonderment
And know that the Kingdom of Heaven
Belongs to such as me,
And that it is not high up in the skues
Beyond my reach,
But indeed it is within me
Not dependent on time or space
But ever present
Ever a gift
Ever mine

ONLY THE DARK

You know
The path by now
So why are you surprised
When you feel the darkness, chew it,
Swallow
It down
Until it becomes you, hungry
You search in vain for light
For this will fill
Your life

The lies
You were told fall
To the ground where you lie
Hungering for the truth to feed
Your soul
You writhe
Knowing that only the darkness
Glows while the light consumes
Until you die
Shrivelled

Only
In the darkness
Can you find your true self
Like a seed sprouting in the soil
Don’t fear
The dark
Or believe the lies you are told
Only the darkness shows
Up the bright stars
Rest now

GEESE IN THE SUNSET

Out of the sunset
Glorious in their flight
Silhouetted, adept,
Concentrating on one quest, going home to rest.

Many times I’d seen them,
Heard them chattering,
A message came clear then,
God in their flying,
The message was “I love you, just keep on going”.

I too am going home,
We all are one day,
Love guides us as we roam,
Rest and work and play,
But inside we need a clear intent, on our way.

We keep the goal in sight,
Though the sky be red,
In our soul’s dark night,
With the blood we have bled,
Throughout the journey we can know,with Love we’re fed.

ROBE OF TIME

Time is
The robe we wear
The protection we need
To stare into eternity
Numbs our
Senses
But the robe is dispensable
Time worn and useless when
Eternity
Calls us

LIGHT COMES

Light comes
Unexpected
Holding hands with darkness
For both are truly the same, friend,
To take
The hand
Of one, you find that both lead you
Into eternity
True light of all,
Light comes

COME CHILD

Paths stretched
In front of me,
Now I had reached a plain,
Wide open space, a new path called,
“Come now,
The scenes
Here are different, and now, once more,
I will lead you, follow
The voice that calls,
Come child.”

ABYSS

Within
The abyss of
Your unconscious the veil
Tears, lets you see eternity,
Nails tear,
Wounds bleed,
But eternity calls you forth,
Out of the deep abyss
Rise up and walk
Again