Those of you who have chosen to read, or who will choose to read the latest installment of “My Cancer Story” will realise that i suffered greatly. Some of the suffering need not have happened had certain people acted properly.
As I was unable to sleep during the night, through feeling ill again, I decided to write that latest installment. Along with a few poems.
Lately, I have not been feeling well at all, and I have good days and bad days. Even the good days are not all that good, but they are better than the bad ones. I can be all over the place in my emotions. I am a deep thinker, and I think all kinds of things, and one thing that I do wonder is whether, if I had been treated properly by the medical profession, I would be in the terrible state that I am in now. I do not know the answer to that. I do not feel angry, though my husband does. I tend to feel more hopeless and fearful than angry. I just want to find a way of getting through this life, with the illness that I am left with.
Today is another bad day. Much pain, and just feeling generalky ill. I feel the darkness suffocating me. But when I am like this, I try to write happier poems. Or at least, I try not to give way to the darkness and fear within. Writing poetry is my only way of getting through. But my moods and my thoughts and feelings may change.
At the heart of me is a very deep faith. Yet I often question even that. However, there is something deep within me that always keeps me going. Something that always wins through. Despite the crying out and the questioning.
There were some lovely moments during my treatment for cancer, and I will share them with you as time passes. I do not want my story to be a negative onem for in fact, it isn’t.
I hope that you can forgive my rantings on a bad day! I am sure that many relate to these bad feelings, and just to connect, in them is a very good thing. It leads to not feeling so alone.
Today, I am confined to my bed, feeling very afraid for the future, and wondering just what is happening to me. I am not brave, though I have been told that I am. I CAN become very very afraid. Very dark.
I pray that my darkness passes, and that soon I can be out there listening to my birds again, and feeling the wind on my face.
Thankyou for reading this 😊 (was that a smiley face? It was meant to be lol)