MY REACTION TO THE QUEENS FUNERAL

I have said various things about the death of the Queen and the way in which people have reacted to it. I truly do not understand much of it. However, I feel the need tonight to say how the Queen’s funeral affected me.

I did not expect to have the reaction that I did have. I must adnit that earlier in the week I did experience a very strong reaction to the Queen’s coffin being processed through the streets and her children walking behind it. It put me in mind so much of how much I would have liked my own mother to have had a funeral and a coffin that I could have touched in order to say Goodbye to her, despite her having been very abusive. That caused me quite a bit of grief uneexpectedly that I tried to push down as it seemed silly.

Today however things hit me very forcibly and it was mainly when we had the Service on from Windsor. It was when the Queen was lowered. It broke me up completely because I could not see my mother being lowered into the ground or see her ashes scattered. I have to admit that it affected me very deeply and it was a trigger for me. The fact that my mother never had a funeral and the opportunity to find closure is just awful and I know this can never be rectified. Also my feeling that I want to legally divorce my brother and sister is very strong. That may not seem understandable, but for my own emotional health I want to make the separation formal, which of course can never be done.

I have to deal with these things as best I can, but the commentator who said that all this stuff with the Queen will put people in touch with their own grief is certainly true. I did not feel grief or tears for the Queeen, but it just brought my own very deep grief back. I feel very raw tonight.