WHEN EVERYTHING IS GONE

I was thinking only yesterday of how now, I can do nothing on my own. From being a very independent and active person with lots of friends and a full life, I have gone to being totally dependent on someone else. It is hard to put this into words and possibly it is unimaginable if you have not experienced it. I do not think I could have imagined it fully before it happened to me. It has grown on me. When I first went into remission from the cancer I was not too bad. I could walk with two canes. Sometimes iI could walk with only one cane. I could do most things for myself. Then after a while things started going wrong. The cancer had gone but the drugs had done their worst. Some of the drugs that I was given can start having bad side effects even years after being given. It is then progressive. It is very frightening for you have no idea where it will end. I hate being independent. I hate veing seen in a wheelchair. I hate it all. But there is nothing I can do about it. I feel as if I do not live in the world any more but only in the space in my mind. My world has no point of contact with the worlds of other people. It is the loneliest place I have ever been. Often I feel like a freak.

Throughout all this I have been determined but determination can only go so far. Some people have said that they find ne inspiring. Others run away from me. If anything about me or my life is found to be inspiring, it makes me feel that life is still worthwhile. There are temptations. There are bound to be. Sometimes I feel dead inside. Yet my mind is fertile and active most of the time. I am still the same person inside as I always was. I am still 18 years old in my head. I am not old. It is so hard to be stripped like this. I long to reach out and touch somebody. I long for somebody to reach out and touch me. I feel worlds apart from everyone else. I long to be in the same world as other people. I lonng for someone to talk to me. I can go a whole fortnight without speaking to anyone. My husband has lost his speech and can only string a few words together. He does get to speak in a limited way to other people though. He can see and he can drive and he can cook. He is able to look after himself. If I died he could still be ok but if he died I could not manage and I would be very frightened. It is such a lonely place to be. This night is so long