I’M NOT FINISHED YET

It has been such a shock to me to end up like I have, so young. It has taken some accepting if that is the right word and I do not really think it is for that might denote a submission to it. Submitting is one thing I will never do. I have always been a rebel and always will be. Even as a child I refused to fit into anybody’s boxes. I remember the Queen coming to our town when I was a child. All the school kids were lining the streets waiting for her car to pass. I did not feel excited at all. Who was this made up woman to me anyway? It was really weird. As her car approached I heard all the kids lower down the street cheering wildly and as she approached the spot where I was standing with other kids, I just could not join in. I could not wave my flag and I could not cheer. It was just not me. I felt nothing. I looked down at my shoe instead lol and then looked at the car as it disappeared along the road. I did catch a quick view of the Queen and I have never seen so much make up in all my life. She looked like a plastic doll. She was not real. With her posh clothes and the make up and the big posh black car she was just so unreal. I hated every minute of it. I could not follow the crowd. This continued for the rest of my life. I could never follow the crowd or do what was expected of me. I was a rebel I suppose. In a quiet way though.

I have now had this “thing” visited on me and I cannot conform again. I get mad lol. I refuse to fit anyone’s boxes.

Often I get so mad at my illness and wonder how it came to this. Hell, I never got to climb Helvellyn, though I did climb Scafell Pike. I was going to climb Everest you see.

Sometimes I get very depressed and wonder if my life is still worth living. Each day is such an exhausting struggle but my brain is so fertile and active just as it always was if not more so. I still have a thirst for knowledge and a mind for delving and researching and playing with questions. My mind never stops working. I need somewhere to channel it. That is why I write and that is all I can do now. I miss seeing things for seeing things used to spark my brain off. Now I have to rely on my memory and I have found that I cannot conjure up pictures of things. I have forgotten what they look like.

However I am not finished yet. Yes,my body is deteriorating and too fast for me but I really am not finished yet.