GETTING BY HOUR BY HOUR

After what happened last night, as described in an earlier post, I am getting by only hour by hour. As many of you know, my mother tried to kill me and she also got rid of my babies which were not conceived out of marriage so that was not the reason. She is gone now. She died in 2019, and the anniversary of her death is coming up soon. My family rejected me finally and totally when I became wheelchair bound and blind. Although my sister started ringing recently. We have now blocked her. She only wants to cause trouble and was well trained by my mother. She now does my mother’s work. After yesterday, i imagine going out to the places that I loved. I love nature but can no longer get into it. It is so hard for me to get to the car and on may days I am simply not well enough but I think of those places often. Today I have been thinking and realising that there are so many directions from our town in which I cannot go for bad memories. I do not want to ge anywhere near where my brother lives or onto the country roads outside our town that would lead me there. There are other directions that I cannot go in either. I am feeling the pain of everything so acutely right now. I am trying to live in nicer places. I am trying to post in here and have done a couple of challenges, and will try to do some more. I am so thankful for this place because it gets me through coming in here and writing. Writing is my life and I had started to write a book about my monster mother but I do not think I can do it today. The memories now are just too painful. My sister is someone you would not like to meet and my mother was exactly the same when she was alive. When I had cancer and was almost dying I held my arms out to my mother, needing her so badly, but she turned towards my brohter and pursed her lips and said “Ugh.” I could hardly believe it. She wanted to take me to Switzerland for euthansia. Of course that did not happen though she told me it was my duty to my family to go there. I shiver when I think of it because she followed that up with saying that if I did not go she would bring some tablets and shove them down my throat. That was my mother. Awful. I will get through but only with a lot of effort. It is hard right now.

Link to earlier post

I FEEL AS IF I HAVE BEEN HIT BY A BRICK